May 30, 2007
When Rosie O’Donnell, followed Elizabeth Hasselbeck home after their fight on “The View”, it’s fortunate that her husband, Tim Hasselbeck NY Giants Quarterback, answered the door. He was able to hold off Rosie until his wife could change the batteries in her stun gun. Ms. O’Donnell, will be arraigned in court on Monday…on 23 counts of being a bitch.
“Survivor” producer Mark Burnette and Chef Emeril Lagasse, have changed the name of their new show, “Adventures with Road Kill” to “Cooking On A Budget”.
The 28 planets recently discovered have been named after the 7 Dwarfs, Angelina and Madonna’s adopted children, as well as, 15 of Anne Heche’s multiple personalities!
It looks like the hottest show in the UK, “Are You Smarter Than A Monkey?”, won’t be coming to the US, until they find some celebrities who can beat the monkey!
Hugh Hefner, is recovering after taking an accidental overdose of horse Viagra at the Kentucky Derby.
“Dancing With The Stars”, has been having trouble finding celebrities for their show since it was announced that attempted murderess, Amy Fisher and her former lover, “Bad Ass” Joey Butafucco, were signed for next season’s competition.
Lindsay Lohan’s had second thoughts about asking Paris Hilton to be a character witness in her upcoming trial for DUI and possessing cocaine.
“Naked Paris Hilton throws herself on the mercy of the court while a confused Tinkerbell tries to revive her”, is the controversial sculpture that has been removed from the Museum of Modern Art, for exploiting an innocent “bitch” ( referring of course to the dog!)
Lynn Spears, put a shiny gold star on her daughter Britney’s little bald head, as a reward for not doing anything to make the tabloids this week.
Here’s a rare clip of Jay Leno dancing and singing with his sister as a kid. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ICk1Msldu1w
Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne
For more of Lindsay, Paris and Britney http://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/04/exclusive-photos-lindsay-lohan-and-paris-hilton-on-top-of-britney-spears/
Thanks to Alan O’Day and Richard Yannotti for their contributions, and to the late Harvey Miller for helping with this column every week.
March 20, 2007
DNA tests prove that KISS front man, Gene Simmons is the father of quadruplets!
Speaking of paternity battles, when Anna Nicole Smith’s boy friend, Larry Birkhead told Anna’s lawyer Howard K. Stern to put his DNA where his mouth is, Birkhead was promptly arrested and charged with making an indecent proposal!
In a recent survey, it was revealed that 4 out of 5 Americans are either taking prescription or illegal drugs. It is also noted, that the opening line of a conversation at a bar is no longer “Hey baby, what’s your sign?, but “Hey baby, what are you on?”
When Vice President Dick Cheney, was asked by a reporter if the US obtained the remarkable confessions from Kahlid Sheikh Mohammed by using torture? Cheney turned red and snarled, “If we had him for another day he also would’ve confessed to the Kennedy assassination!”
When Angelina Jolie, clutching her newly adopted 3 year old Vietnamese little boy, was asked by a reporter, “Isn’t he a little old to be breast feeding?”, the little boy turned around and winked!
Diana Ross is still embarrassed about the poor, out of tune performance she gave on “American Idol” last week. A conversation was posted on the internet by a fan who was there with a cell phone, and picked up Simon Cowell, whispering to Paula Abdul that “Diana’s performance was dreadful…sang the wrong song in the wrong key…was pitchey…and lacked originality” A miffed Paula replies, “Don’t you ever have anything positive to say?” at which point Simon says, “OK…her shoes were nice!”
On “Dancing With The Stars”, Heather Mills did a lively foxtrot and was given a score of 6 from each of the judges. When the the audience saw 666, the mark of the beast, half of them crossed themselves and ran out of the studio!
Jury selection has started in the Phil Spector trial and the prosecution has already rejected members of the Crystals and the Ronnettes.
After spending 2 years in prison, Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael, begged for his daughter’s forgiveness…and to be hooked up with her friend, Paris Hilton!
When his application for a visa was denied 3 times for advocating the violent overthrow of the US Government, the President of Iran Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, simply sneaked over the Mexican border and made his scheduled appearance at the UN!
Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne
Special thanks to Richard Yannotti and Chet Allan for their submissions.
January 2, 2007
The African baby races in Zambia this week, ended on a sour note. Angelina Jolie, beat the shit out of Madonna when she accused baby Brangelina of steroid use!
Pop Princess, Britney Spears, has agreed to star in the film of the long running “Vagina Monologues”, not only will her vagina finally speak for itself…it will actually sing!
African-American, Samuel L. Jackson, is the biggest movie star in history. He has often been second- or third-billed, or even farther down the credits, but if you just tally the money his films have earned, it adds up to over $3,000,000,000 — more than any other actor in history! Now, he’s set to produce, direct and star in a quirky comedy remake of “Gone With The Wind”. He will play Rhett Butler to Halle Berry’s Scarlett O’Hara. Hillary Duff, will recreate Butterfly McQueen’s, “Prissy”, while Hattie McDaniels’ Academy Award winning part of “Mammy”, will be played by Rosie O’Donnell, who’s said to be slimming down for the part.
Media tributes to the late James Brown continue, but I could’ve done without Robert Goulet singing, “Sex Machine” on the Today show!
The first project that Tom Cruise is expected to greenlight for his new production company is the sequel to “Late Great Planet Earth”, the $100,000,000 plus film that nobody saw! John Travolta, won’t be starring in this Sci-Fi thriller, by the late Scientology founder, L.Ron Hubbard, which is the story of the reincarnation of a great spiritual leader into the body of a little girl. That honor will go to Suri Cruise, precocious daughter of Tom and Katie Cruise, who was created to play the role!
As expected, Mel Gibson and Michael Richards have not only been forgiven by the public for their politically incorrect rants, but have actually been rewarded for their contrition. Mel’s film, “Apocalypto”, debuted at number one at the box office, while “Seinfeld”, the seventh season DVD, co-starring Richards sold 75% more in it’s first week than season 6! Rosie O’Donnel, wasn’t so lucky, however as all of the potential investors for her, “Ching Chow Chong, Chinese fast food restaurant”, suddenly pulled out!
It was revealed today that Osama Bin Laden was captured 3 months ago in Pakistan, and has been residing ever since in the basement of the White House. They’ve been waiting for the most politically advantageous time to announce his capture. President Bush, however, has had second thoughts about bringing Bin Laden to the “State Of The Union Address” on a Leash.
MTV, now being called by some “Empty-V”, from now on will only be playing 3 videos a day. The rest of the programing will consist of infinite variations of the “Real World”
Keefer Sutherland, has signed on for another season as Jack Bauer in Fox TV’s top show. Due to stipulations in his new contract, which call for a shorter work week, the name of the series will be changed from “24” to “19”.
Copyright 2006 by Artie Wayne
December 26, 2006
Lara Banks, of Atlanta Georgia was eliminated early in the Miss America contest, not because she wasn’t pretty or smart enough, but because she was considered to have one up on everyone else in the the competition!
Darrell Hammond, of Saturday Night Live, is no longer allowed to do impersonations on the show. It seems his statute of imitations has run out!
Ousted Miss Nevada USA, Katie Rees, lost her case in the court of public opinion when Heidi Fleiss, Anna Nicole Smith, and Tonya Harding testified on her behalf!
In a recent survey, 95% of women since the 1950’s admitted to having had pre-marital sex…the other 5% lied!
“Governator” Arnold Schwartzenegger, always eager for a “Photo Op”, gladly broke his leg again as soon as the Paparazzi arrived at the scene of his skiing accident.
Next month CBS debuts the new reality show, “Armed and Famous”, in which celebrities join a real police department in Indiana and are issued badges and guns. Eric Estrada, Trish Stratus, Jack Osborne (Ozzie’s son) and LaToya Jackson’s first assignment is to hunt down Danny Bonaduce.
Bono seems to be taking his recent Knighthood seriously, and plans appear in a full suit of armor at U2’s upcoming New Years Eve concert in Dublin!
What did Justin Timberlake give Cameron Diaz for Christmas? Click in the box http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dmVU08zVpA
Copyright by Artie Wayne
For more “If It’s On The Internet…It’s Gotta’ Be True!” http://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/11/05/if-you-saw-it-on-the-internetthen-you-know-its-gotta-be-true/
Even More “If You Saw It On the Internet…yada, yada, yada” http://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/13/if-its-on-the-internetits-gotta-be-true-is-this-really-britney-spears-pussy/
To see “More” of Britney Spears…click onto http://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/01/theres-a-crack-in-a-star-on-hollywood-boulevard-quick-call-your-publicist/
To see the”Most” of Britney Spears…click onto http://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/04/exclusive-photos-lindsay-lohan-and-paris-hilton-on-top-of-britney-spears/
October 14, 2006
I quietly looked into my bedroom and saw her lying there asleep on my bed…looking like an angel. She told me her name was Angelina…Angelina Jolie!
It was 1981 and this six year old little girl, her brother James and her father, actor John Voight had been waiting in the chilly California drizzle to visit a neighbor of mine. I invited John, who is the brother of my friend, Chip Taylor writer of “Wild Thing”, and his kids, to come into my warm apartment until my neighbor arrived.
Not much of a story perhaps, but maybe enough to make you stck around to read my Exclusive Sebastian Prooth interview which is coming up next!