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Bruce Willis, took no prisoners as “Live Free or Die Hard” shot straight to #1, officially becoming the biggest movie of the summer! And summer only started last week.

Although Apple’s I-Phone isn’t released until friday, A bootleg version has already made it into malls across the country. Apple warns consumers that if there isn’t a picture of an eye talking into a cell phone on the back of the device…it’s a bootleg!

After winning an undisclosed amount in a libel suit against the English tabloids, Heather Mills smiled said, “You only need one leg to kick somebody’s ass!”

It was revealed after a mix-up at the DNA lab, that Larry Birkhead is actually the father of Scary Spice’s baby, while Eddie Murphy is the father of Anna Nicole Smiths’ Dannielynn, and Knut the baby polar bear.

 

 

 

 

 

pat-three1Websters dictionary has added the term “political correctness” to it’s hallowed pages…
“Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which believes that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end”.

Rosie O’Donnell announced this morning that she’ll be replacing Meridith Viera on the “Today”show, as well becoming the new host of “The Price Is Right”.Then she said this afternoon, that she’ll be taking over the “Tonight Show”. Finally, it was announced tonight that Rosie has been taken to Bellevue Hospital where she is being held for observation.

97 pound Nicole Ritchie told TMZ.com that she isn’t pregnant and the “baby bump” that appeared in pictures last week was only an olive she had for lunch!

EXCLUSIVE PHOTO! After being released from jail today, Paris Hilton (below left without make-up and underwear) tried to sneak into her limo unoticed. Our top photographer, Al Ketchem, was the only one of the papparazzi there to get this shocking picture that she didn’t want any one to see!

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Presidential candidate Barack Obama, has dropped out of the race after being caught with Amber Lee (above Right), who sings, “I’ve Got A Crush On Obama” http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4563509419827524955&q=i%27ve+got+a+crush+on+obama&total=7&start=0&num=10&so=0&type=search&plindex=0

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

Thanks to Patti Dahlstrom, Al Ketchem, Phil X. Milstein, Richard Yannotti for their contributions, and to the late Harvey Miller who helps me with this column.
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Angelina Jolie, gently strokes the possible co-star of her next movie, rumored to be “The Naked Truth About Adam And Eve” Wonder what Brad thinks about this steamy picture?

After 83 year old Bob Barker’s tearful farewell on the “Price Is Right”, he drove off with new gal pal Lindsay Lohan, partied all night then took her back to rehab in the morning.

When a reporter asked President Bush if he knew he was wearing one brown shoe and one black shoe, Bush looked down and said, “Of course, I even have another pair like it at home.”

Paris Hilton is making good on her promise to Barbara Walters to stop “acting dumb”. As soon as she is released from jail she begins a ten city tour, lecturing on “How the US can achieve an immediate and lasting peace in the Middle East”

The Secret Service has always given code names to presidential candidates they’re assigned to protect. Hilary Clinton’s code name is “Evergreen”, Barack Obama’s is “Renegade” and Fred Thompson’s code name is “Booger”, but nobody knows why.

Uncle Walt must be spinning in his grave, after Disney films and Pixar announced they are doing an a computer generated animated remake of “Deep Throat”!

Bush daughters, Barbara and Jenna, have joined the contestants vying for the heart of clock wearing rapper, “Flava’ Flav” in the third season of his popular MTV reality show.

Larry Seidlen, the “Crying Judge” in the Anna Nicole Smith Paternity suit has resigned from the bench and is set to star in a new reality show on FOX, “Make The Judge Cry”. Whoever makes the judge cry first, the plaintiff or the defendant…wins their case!

Mike Nifong, the disbarred prosecutor in the Duke rape case, has asked to appeal his case on the new FOX reality show, “Make The Judge Cry”.

To see Hilary and Bill Clinton spoof the finale of the “Sopranos” in her latest campaign ad. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=shKJk3Rph0E

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

For more on Angelina Jolie and my brief, but memorable encounter with her!
http://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/10/14/my-brief-encounter-with-angelina-jolie/

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If you ask the average person in the street what Anna Nicole Smith was famous for, I doubt if anybody could answer. Yet we seem to have a morbid curiosity about her life and death, hanging on to every piece of information we hear about her. If you can name Anna’s boyfriend, her lawyer, her son, her baby and her choice of prescription drugs…you know you’ve been watching too much television!

A few weeks ago, some newscasters were complaining on the air, about Anna’s story getting too much airtime, but their producers as well as the public demanded more! Now, as her story is winding down we desperately search for a replacement, possibly someone even more fucked up, who’ll make us feel better about ourselves!

We can no longer count on Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan to satisfy our celebrity lust, now that they’ve been rehabilitated or tittilated by Paris Hilton who’s about to be incarcerated! What will be making headlines next week…an explicit Hillary Clinton/ Condoleeza Rice video? The Olsen Twins go on a killing spree? Sanjaya, caught in a menage’ a trois with Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul?

In a recent survey, teenagers were asked if they would rather be smart, rich or famous…and famous won hands down! If they couldn’t become famous themselves, they said the next best thing would happy working for a celebrity.

I remember when I was a kid, a brush with a star could bring instant neighborhood fame. I remember a friend of mine, from Sunday school, Ronald Bullock, was present at the filming of one of the scenes from “The Seven Year Itch”, starring Tom Ewell and Marilyn Monroe. With his Brownie Hawkeye camera, he took his own pictures of Marilyn with her white dress flying above her head, while standing over a subway grating! Shit!…My friend, who showed those pictures to everyone in the Bronx, was the center of attention for weeks…even months.

That reaction wasn’t lost on this impressionable 13 year old, who was starting his freshman year at the High School Of Music and Art in Harlem. I remember, as I was riding my bus to the subway, beneath the “Third Avenue El”, I glanced out of the window and saw one of the hottest actresses of the day, Jayne Mansfield, standing in front of a sporting good store. I jumped off the bus…ran over to her and said, “You’re Jayne Mansfield!”

She blinked her eyes and said, “Why yes, I am!”

It wasn’t long before she was surrounded by her fans, the curious and the horny! As the photographers she had with her snapped away, she autographed my bus pass. Nobody believed me when I told them at school what had happened…until the story about her publicity stunt showed up in the Daily News the next day!

The most asked question from the guys in school wasn’t “What was she like?”, or “Was She really pretty?”…but “Did you feel her up?”

When they explained the expression to me, I told them that I didn’t, but I certainly would consider it the next time!

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

Special thanks to the late Charles Buchowski for helping me write this article.

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Britney, Brooke, Halle, and Cameron from their new film, “Bald Is Beautiful”

Britney Spears, bald on top and bald at the bottom, was mistaken for a member of the Hare Krishna at LAX airport last night. When passengers started dropping change into the coffee cup she was carrying, airport security took her into custody for panhandling. When she was released, the police apologized and allowed her to keep the $26 she had collected, providing she’d buy a hat and some panties!

EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS! MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY ON TOP OF ZAC EFRON AND VANESSA HUDGENS! http://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2009/01/04/matthew-mcconaughey-on-top-of-zac-efron-and-vanessa-hudgens/

Inspired by the successful reunion of the Police, last week at the Grammys, The Archies have gotten back together, except for Jughead who is still at large after being featured on “America’s Most Wanted”.

FIRST PHOTOS! PIGS IN LIPSTICK MARCH ON WASHINGTON! http://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2008/09/10/exclusive-photos-pigs-in-lipstick-march-on-washington/

 Nancy Pelosi, the Speaker of the House, has taken several meetings with Eric Rice, one of the creators of Second Life, the most popular alternate reality site on the Internet. Rice wants a law to protect the rights of humans who visit Second Life and want to marry one of the virtual characters they design. He also wants to give them the power to delete any of the virtual children they may accidentally create!

In-And-Out, the fast food giant, has had a 22% increase in revenue in their Hollywood locations, since adding “A Stint In Rehab” to their menu.

EXTRA! EXTRA! KRISTEN BELL BLOWS! EXCLUSIVE PICTURES
http://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/11/12/it-was-women-and-children-firstthe-day-the-bubblegum-bubble-burst/

The CEOs of all broadcast and cable networks met secretly yesterday to figure out how they’re going to fill up airtime once the Anna Nicole Smith story plays out.

After airline passengers were left stranded on a snowbound runway for up to eleven hours, without food and water, Jet Blue vowed it would never happen again! Now, every passenger, upon boarding, is issued a roll of Lifesavers and a package of M&Ms.

This year, with African-American nominees dominating the Oscars, Martin Scorsese Nominated for directing,”The Departed”, is determined not to get snubbed by the Academy again! The Italian dirctor on “Entertainment Tonight” sporting dreadlocks and a deep salon tan said,”‘Bout time we brothers and sisters finally be getting our props!”

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The Motion Picture Academy of Arts and Sciences, Has always kept it’s final tally of votes for each Oscar winner a well guarded secret. For the first time, the Academy has revealed how the winner is determined in the event there is a tie. It also explains why God is usually the first one thanked by the winners!

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

EXCLUSIVE! THIS MAY BE THE LAST TIME YOU CAN SEE LINDSAY LOHAN AND PARIS HILTON ON TOP OF BRITNEY SPEARS! http://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/04/exclusive-photos-lindsay-lohan-and-paris-hilton-on-top-of-britney-spears/

CRACK IN A STAR ON HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD…BRITNEY EXCLUSIVE!
http://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/01/theres-a-crack-in-a-star-on-hollywood-boulevard-quick-call-your-publicist/ 

Because you’ve been good, now you get “NOOKIE”S TOP CHRISTMAS AND “HAUKKAH VIDEOS for FREE!” includes Adam Sandler’s “HANUKKAH SONG”, the Full Original Version of “A Charlie Brown Christmas” , JUST ADDED JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, CARRIE UNDERWOOD, TOBY KEITH, BON JOVI SINGING “THE HANUKKAH SONG!” and MUCH, MUCH MORE! http://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/22/nookies-top-holiday-video-picks/

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Lara Banks, of Atlanta Georgia was eliminated early in the Miss America contest, not because she wasn’t pretty or smart enough, but because she was considered to have one up on everyone else in the the competition!

Darrell Hammond, of Saturday Night Live, is no longer allowed to do impersonations on the show. It seems his statute of imitations has run out!

PHOTOS! FISTFIGHTS BREAK OUT IN CONGRESS!  http://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2008/09/27/exclusive-photos-fistfights-erupt-at-washington-economics-meeting-biden-steps-down-hillary-steps-in/Will the old feud between Madonna and Angelina Jolie rear it’s ugly head when the African Baby races begin next week in Zambia?

Ousted Miss Nevada USA, Katie Rees, lost her case in the court of public opinion when Heidi Fleiss, Anna Nicole Smith, and Tonya Harding testified on her behalf!

In a recent survey, 95% of women since the 1950’s admitted to having had pre-marital sex…the other 5% lied!

“Governator” Arnold Schwartzenegger, always eager for a “Photo Op”, gladly broke his leg again as soon as the Paparazzi arrived at the scene of his skiing accident.

Next month CBS debuts the new reality show, “Armed and Famous”, in which celebrities join a real police department in Indiana and are issued badges and guns. Eric Estrada, Trish Stratus, Jack Osborne (Ozzie’s son) and LaToya Jackson’s first assignment is to hunt down Danny Bonaduce.

Bono seems to be taking his recent Knighthood seriously, and plans appear in a full suit of armor at U2’s upcoming New Years Eve concert in Dublin!

What did Justin Timberlake give Cameron Diaz for Christmas? Click in the box http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dmVU08zVpA

Copyright by Artie Wayne

For more “If It’s On The Internet…It’s Gotta’ Be True!” http://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/11/05/if-you-saw-it-on-the-internetthen-you-know-its-gotta-be-true/

Even More “If You Saw It On the Internet…yada, yada, yada” http://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/13/if-its-on-the-internetits-gotta-be-true-is-this-really-britney-spears-pussy/

To see “More” of Britney Spears…click onto http://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/01/theres-a-crack-in-a-star-on-hollywood-boulevard-quick-call-your-publicist/

To see the”Most” of Britney Spears…click onto http://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/04/exclusive-photos-lindsay-lohan-and-paris-hilton-on-top-of-britney-spears/

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