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Bruce Willis, took no prisoners as “Live Free or Die Hard” shot straight to #1, officially becoming the biggest movie of the summer! And summer only started last week.

Although Apple’s I-Phone isn’t released until friday, A bootleg version has already made it into malls across the country. Apple warns consumers that if there isn’t a picture of an eye talking into a cell phone on the back of the device…it’s a bootleg!

After winning an undisclosed amount in a libel suit against the English tabloids, Heather Mills smiled said, “You only need one leg to kick somebody’s ass!”

It was revealed after a mix-up at the DNA lab, that Larry Birkhead is actually the father of Scary Spice’s baby, while Eddie Murphy is the father of Anna Nicole Smiths’ Dannielynn, and Knut the baby polar bear.

 

 

 

 

 

pat-three1Websters dictionary has added the term “political correctness” to it’s hallowed pages…
“Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which believes that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end”.

Rosie O’Donnell announced this morning that she’ll be replacing Meridith Viera on the “Today”show, as well becoming the new host of “The Price Is Right”.Then she said this afternoon, that she’ll be taking over the “Tonight Show”. Finally, it was announced tonight that Rosie has been taken to Bellevue Hospital where she is being held for observation.

97 pound Nicole Ritchie told TMZ.com that she isn’t pregnant and the “baby bump” that appeared in pictures last week was only an olive she had for lunch!

EXCLUSIVE PHOTO! After being released from jail today, Paris Hilton (below left without make-up and underwear) tried to sneak into her limo unoticed. Our top photographer, Al Ketchem, was the only one of the papparazzi there to get this shocking picture that she didn’t want any one to see!

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Presidential candidate Barack Obama, has dropped out of the race after being caught with Amber Lee (above Right), who sings, “I’ve Got A Crush On Obama” http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4563509419827524955&q=i%27ve+got+a+crush+on+obama&total=7&start=0&num=10&so=0&type=search&plindex=0

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

Thanks to Patti Dahlstrom, Al Ketchem, Phil X. Milstein, Richard Yannotti for their contributions, and to the late Harvey Miller who helps me with this column.
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Congratulations to Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson for turning “American Idol”, contestant Sanjaya’s life around with their fantastic instructional DVDs!

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Not everyone, however, is happy with the results!

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If you’re wondering why Simon Cowell, has been so nice recently? “American Idol” producers, tricked him into thinking he was having his teeth cleaned, when actually he was being spayed and neutered!

Now that Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, has brought peace to the Middle East, she’s off to Zimbabwe, vowing to end hunger in Africa by Friday!

The Pope is outraged that Paris Hilton is being considered for the starring role in the “Mother Teresa Story”…the Pope exclaimed, “It’s Lindsay Lohan or nobody!”

Speaking of Paris, now that her new “Home Movie” has been officially released, Fox-TV movie critic Bart Simpson said, “It’s one of the few films I’ve ever seen that sucks and blows at the same time!”

Heather Mills, soon-to-be- ex-wife of Beatle, Paul McCartney, has become one of the top contenders on “Dancing With The Stars”, in spite of only having one leg! Now when called “Yoko Uno” by one of her detractors, she takes off her leg and beats their ass with it!

This morning on, “The View”, Tokyo Rosie O’Donnell proposed a way to deal with the immigration problem and world hunger at the same time! Round ‘em up and eat ‘em!

Racially insensitive “Shock Jock”Don Imus, has been ordered to join the newly formed “Fair Play”dodge ball team, which includes Anti-Semitic remark making, Mel Gibson and N-Word using comic, Michael Richards. Their first game will be played Saturday on the court of public opinion against the recently maligned Rutgers Women’s basketball team!

“Girls Gone Wild”, head honcho Joe Francis, convicted of photographing drunken, underage girls naked for his popular series, has finally turned himself in after eluding the police for the past week. He will serve time as the only male prisoner in the newly opened “Lorena Bobbit correctional facility for exploited women” Good luck, Joe!

Special thanks to Chet Allen, Richard Kimball and Stephen Craig Aristei for all sending me this video of Mark Volman and Howie Kaylen, of the Turtles explaining how they kept getting screwed in the music business…over and over again!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JHN5HaUg28

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

To hear Sanjaya sing, “You Really Got Me”! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKF6TGQjasE

Now hear him sing “Bathwater” with his now famous “Pony-Hawk”! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Z9tUs8kTgE

See Sanjaya crowned as Miss America!  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GCRKExf_Ksk 

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When animal activists said, ” Knut the abandoned baby polar bear, would be better dead than be raised by humans”…animal lovers came to his rescue! At the Berlin Zoo, fans line up by the thousands to see him give the now famous “Knut Salute” to all of those foolish animal activists!

Last night when people tuned in to “Dancing with the Stars” to see if “the leg would fall off”, they weren’t disappointed! They were surprised , however, that it was host’s Tom Bergeron’s leg that fell off, not Heather Mills’ as expected.

Yesterday, Al Gore’s “Endangered Species” Luncheon, raised one million dollars to fight global warming! It was also noted that the Whooping Crane soup and American Buffalo steak was especially delicious!

The government of Zimbabwe has warned foreign journalists, “If they continue to report on the alleged brutality in their country, they will have the shit beaten out of them and fed to the hyenas!”

Hugh Hefner’s, “Girls Next Door”, Holly, Bridget and Kendra were arrested at LAX for bringing pornography into the United States! They were released immediately when it was discovered it was only their passport photos.

Additional funding for the Iraq War has become such a battle, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi now shows up for work in camouflage designer suits by Valentino.

There was so much pork added to the bill Congress presented to President Bush, last week, just reading it could give you Trichinosis!

Octogenarian and senior correspondent for “60 Minutes”, Mike Wallace, finally retired after his face cracked and crumbled into dust on last weeks show!

CBS, disappointed with diminishing returns on its Katie Couric investment, is considering cutting its losses, canning her ass and replacing her on the Evening News with veteran newsman, Ryan Seacrest!

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If you’re wondering how “American Idol” contestant Sanjaya got his start click onto this exclusive video of him dancing as a child! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ew1q-qSMZ5A

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

Special thanks to Phil X. Milstein

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DNA tests prove that KISS front man, Gene Simmons is the father of quadruplets!

Speaking of paternity battles, when Anna Nicole Smith’s boy friend, Larry Birkhead told Anna’s lawyer Howard K. Stern to put his DNA where his mouth is, Birkhead was promptly arrested and charged with making an indecent proposal!

In a recent survey, it was revealed that 4 out of 5 Americans are either taking prescription or illegal drugs. It is also noted, that the opening line of a conversation at a bar is no longer “Hey baby, what’s your sign?, but “Hey baby, what are you on?”

When Vice President Dick Cheney, was asked by a reporter if the US obtained the remarkable confessions from Kahlid Sheikh Mohammed by using torture? Cheney turned red and snarled, “If we had him for another day he also would’ve confessed to the Kennedy assassination!”

When Angelina Jolie, clutching her newly adopted 3 year old Vietnamese little boy, was asked by a reporter, “Isn’t he a little old to be breast feeding?”, the little boy turned around and winked!

Diana Ross is still embarrassed about the poor, out of tune performance she gave on “American Idol” last week. A conversation was posted on the internet by a fan who was there with a cell phone, and picked up Simon Cowell, whispering to Paula Abdul that “Diana’s performance was dreadful…sang the wrong song in the wrong key…was pitchey…and lacked originality” A miffed Paula replies, “Don’t you ever have anything positive to say?” at which point Simon says, “OK…her shoes were nice!”

On “Dancing With The Stars”, Heather Mills did a lively foxtrot and was given a score of 6 from each of the judges. When the the audience saw 666, the mark of the beast, half of them crossed themselves and ran out of the studio!

Jury selection has started in the Phil Spector trial and the prosecution has already rejected members of the Crystals and the Ronnettes.

After spending 2 years in prison, Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael, begged for his daughter’s forgiveness…and to be hooked up with her friend, Paris Hilton!

When his application for a visa was denied 3 times for advocating the violent overthrow of the US Government, the President of Iran Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, simply sneaked over the Mexican border and made his scheduled appearance at the UN!

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

Special thanks to Richard Yannotti and Chet Allan for their submissions.

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