March 7, 2007
Presidential hopeful Hilary Clinton admits she’s been possessed with the idea of becoming the President of the United States ever since she was a child. Concerned political rivals, Barack Obama, John McCain, and Rudy Giuliani have intervened and chipped in for an excorcism!
On the first stop of their European tour, when The Dixie Chicks performed at the Vatican, Natalie Maines was outraged when the Pope refused to kiss her ring!
Angelina Jolie and Madonna are cat fighting again! This time it’s over who will portray Mother Teresa in the forthcoming biopic. Jolie wants to take the issue to the UN, while Madonna prefers to take it to Madison Square Garden!
The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, changes name to politically correct, National Association for the Advancement of Colored Persons.
Michael Jackson has been getting $3,500 in Tokyo, for spending 30 seconds with each fan willing to pay the price. Unfortunately, one little boy bounced a check on the “King Of Pop”, and was forced to go back to the US to work off his debt at Jackson’s “Neverland Casino” in Las Vegas!
Jerry Springer, former “Dancing with the Stars” contestant and controversial talk show replaced Regis Philbin on “America’s Got Talent”, when Philbin was allegedly hit in the knees with a wrench by Tonya Harding, and put out of commission!
The verdict is in at the “Scooter” Libby trial. The former chief of staff to Vice PresidentDick Cheney was found guilty of lying and obstructing the investigation into the 2003 leak of CIA operative Valarie Plame’s identity to reporters. Libby is expected to be sentenced to 30 years in prison, which means he’ll probably do a hundred hours of community service and a stint in rehab…if he isn’t pardoned by President Bush!
NEWS FLASH! A fistfight broke out on the White House lawn between the President and Vice-President Cheney just after the Libby verdict was read! As the two men were being separated, Ann Coulter walks by and phones a story into People magazine about two more politicians coming out of the closet!
After losing to Binky, on the UK ‘s wildly popular TV show, “Are You Smarter Than A Monkey?”, Prince Charles is still walking around with his hand stuck in a coconut shell! So far, no one has the nerve to tell him that if he lets go of the peanut inside, he’d be able to pull his hand out easily.
When former “American Idol” contestant, Kelly Pickler made an unexpected turn and nearly poked out Ryan Seacrest’s eye with her new breast implants…he took the opportunity to ask about her recent aquisitions. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1nMojmkszI
Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne
For more on Angelina Jolie and Madonna’s catfight in Africa http://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2007/01/02/if-its-on-the-internet-its-gotta-be-true-angelina-and-madonna-cat-fight-in-africa/
The Food and Drug Administration has issued a warning for consumers to watch out for fake male contraceptive pills that are flooding the market. The real pills don’t have a colorful candy shell with an “M” stamped on the outside!
Paris Hilton was smart to bow out of hosting the Billboard Award show. It wasn’t the first time an award show sucked…but it was the first time anyone ever accused Paris Hilton of being smart.
As predicted weeks ago by Artie Wayne on the Web, U.S. Ambassador to the UN, John Bolton has resigned. His replacement is rumored to be former talk show host and “Dancing with the Stars” contestant, Jerry Springer!
An embarassed Sylvester Stallone, was released from jail this morning after falling asleep, and being accidently locked inside the Smithsonian institute, where other artifacts from the “Rocky” movies are now on exhibit.
Charlie Sheen saved his ex-wife, Denise Richards life today. She ran in to him at the market and he didn’t try to kill her!
The Reverends, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson have teamed up with racist turned civil rights activist, Michael Richards, in a national effort to ban the “N” word. Philanthropists, Bill and Melinda Gates, surprised everyone by buying the copyright to the offensive word and promising to sue anyone who uses it without their written permission!
Comedian (?) Andy Dick, has issued two apologies. The first is for using the “N” word in his act, the second for failing to turn it into a career move like Michael Richards.
The Iraq study group concludes the fastest way to end the war is to call for a “do-over”, and free Sadaam Hussain from custody. President Bush says he’ll consider it…but only if Sadaam promises to be good!
Last night Britney Spears showed up on the Red Carpet, “slightly” dressed in a tiny halter on the top and a Band-aid on the bottom, showing once and for all why she tops the Yahoo most popular seach terms for 2006!
Copyright 2006 by Artie Wayne
Remember you only have until December 15 th to enter our caption contest and a chance to win a piece of Hand Painted wearable art worth up to $1000! Just click http://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/03/win-a-piece-of-wearable-art-worth-1000/
Cheryl Burke and Emmitt Smith
There are a lot of rumors circulating on the internet…let’s see what’s out there this week!
This season’s winner of the “Dancing with the Stars”competition, Emmitt Smith, has signed to star in a new film, an “All Singing, All Dancing” version of his life. Clay Aiken and Michael Jackson have already signed on to play two of his pals from the Dallas Cowboys!
This season’s runner-up, on the popular dance show, Mario Lopez has been granted amnesty by Govenor Arnold Schwartzenegger for performing unauthorized moves on his partner Karina during the competition!
Jerry Springer, former controversial talk show host, instigator, referee, Mayor of Cincinnati, and dance show contestant, has been tapped to replace John J. Bolton as US Ambassador to the UN!
Today, Al Gore celebrates the anniversary of the Internet…which he invented 16 years ago!
The Paris home of Sascha Baron Cohen, the creator and star of “Borat”, is besieged by villagers from Kazakhstan, who are bearing torches! The impoverished group, from the country where the highly succesful film took place, cry out for some more “Bread” for the demeaning roles they were tricked into playing. Cohen’s insensitive girlfriend, is heard to say, “Let them cake”… just before the shit hits the fan!
Last night, George Michael, “Googled” himself and was promptly taken into custody!
Kevin Federline, recently retired rapper K-Fed, now known as Fed-Ex, is allegedly hawking the intimate video he made on his honeymoon with Britney Spears. Gentleman that he is, he claims he’s only using it as audition tape to get his next gig! Look at your watch Kevin, your 15 minues are up!
Is it really over between 60 Minutes’ Andy Rooney and Hollywood bad girl Lindsey Lohan?
Bush goes to Vietnam…as Hell freezes over!
And finally, why wasn’t Scientology founder, L. Ron Hubbard, invited to the Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ wedding?…Because he passed away in 1986 or so we’ve been led to believe!
Copyright 2006 by Artie Wayne
Kym Johnson and Jerry Springer
Up until last week, Jerry Springer the controversial talk show host, had a leg upon the competition…then he finished in the bottom two. Who knows what’ll happen tonight?
Although I enjoy watching them dance on”Dancing With The Stars”, I tune in just as much to hear the songs they use for the dance numbers that range from the ’50s up to the present! If you haven’t noticed there aren’t many songs on the radio and TV that you can actually sing along with these days and Harold Wheeler (The Musical director) of Dancing with the Stars is a master of matching the right song…to the right dance! Who knew that Britney Spears’, “Toxic” was a tango? Hip Hop is OK, but how many times can we, “Throw our hands in the air…and wave ‘em like we just don’t care?”
It’s been years since I went out dancing at a club or singing in a Karaoke bar but now there have been quite a few places on TV like “Duets”, “Americas Got Talent”, “Supernova”, that keep me singing and dancing in my dreams. I can’t wait to see Simon Cowells new show “THE X-FACTOR”…I hope it’s enough to hold me over ’til “American Idol” returns in January!