In his “60 Minutes interview, ex-CIA head, George Tenent, claimed he tried to warn Bush, if he went to war, “Sunni Or later, the Shiite will hit the fan!”
After a bitter divorce and child custody battle, Alec Baldwin saved Kim Bassinger’s life last week! He ran in to her at the farmer’s market and didn’t try to kill her!
Presidential hopeful Hilary Clinton, explained to the Democratic National Committee that she couldn’t give back the $800,000 campaign contribution she took from rapper Timbaland…because she already spent it! She bought some platinum “Bling”, to wear around her neck and a diamond grill for her teeth to impress her, “Peeps in the ‘hood”
When Paris Hilton explained in court, why she parked in a handicapped spot, the judge said, “Being cockeyed doesn’t count!”
After attempting to escape for the second time, Katie Holmes has resigned herself to playing opposite her husband, Tom Cruise, in a remake of “The Collector”.
At the Miss Afghanistan beauty pageant this week, contestants will be allowed to wear bikinis for the very first time…underneath their birkas!
Willa Ford, singer and “Dancing With The Stars” temptress, will play Anna Nicole Smith. Ms. Ford insists she won’t do any nudity…unless it says so in the script!
Here’s the most popular viral video on the web!. Will Farrell in The Landlord” http://sjl.funnyordie.com/v1/view_video.php?viewkey=3efbc24c7d2583be6925
Whoppy and Streaker have asked me to turn you onto their favorite show on Acceptable TV, “Operation Kitty Calender” which is becoming a cult favorite! http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=2022281185
Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne
Thanks to Patti Dahlstrom and Joe Nelson for their contributions as well as to the late Harvey Miller, who helps me every week with this column.
Our friend and regular contributor, Loni Spector, will be bringing his musicians event to the east coast for the very first time! Check it out. http://www.ampshow.com/
April 11, 2007
Congratulations to Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson for turning “American Idol”, contestant Sanjaya’s life around with their fantastic instructional DVDs!
Not everyone, however, is happy with the results!
If you’re wondering why Simon Cowell, has been so nice recently? “American Idol” producers, tricked him into thinking he was having his teeth cleaned, when actually he was being spayed and neutered!
Now that Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, has brought peace to the Middle East, she’s off to Zimbabwe, vowing to end hunger in Africa by Friday!
The Pope is outraged that Paris Hilton is being considered for the starring role in the “Mother Teresa Story”…the Pope exclaimed, “It’s Lindsay Lohan or nobody!”
Speaking of Paris, now that her new “Home Movie” has been officially released, Fox-TV movie critic Bart Simpson said, “It’s one of the few films I’ve ever seen that sucks and blows at the same time!”
Heather Mills, soon-to-be- ex-wife of Beatle, Paul McCartney, has become one of the top contenders on “Dancing With The Stars”, in spite of only having one leg! Now when called “Yoko Uno” by one of her detractors, she takes off her leg and beats their ass with it!
This morning on, “The View”, Tokyo Rosie O’Donnell proposed a way to deal with the immigration problem and world hunger at the same time! Round ‘em up and eat ‘em!
Racially insensitive “Shock Jock”Don Imus, has been ordered to join the newly formed “Fair Play”dodge ball team, which includes Anti-Semitic remark making, Mel Gibson and N-Word using comic, Michael Richards. Their first game will be played Saturday on the court of public opinion against the recently maligned Rutgers Women’s basketball team!
“Girls Gone Wild”, head honcho Joe Francis, convicted of photographing drunken, underage girls naked for his popular series, has finally turned himself in after eluding the police for the past week. He will serve time as the only male prisoner in the newly opened “Lorena Bobbit correctional facility for exploited women” Good luck, Joe!
Special thanks to Chet Allen, Richard Kimball and Stephen Craig Aristei for all sending me this video of Mark Volman and Howie Kaylen, of the Turtles explaining how they kept getting screwed in the music business…over and over again!
Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne
To hear Sanjaya sing, “You Really Got Me”! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKF6TGQjasE
Now hear him sing “Bathwater” with his now famous “Pony-Hawk”! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Z9tUs8kTgE
See Sanjaya crowned as Miss America! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GCRKExf_Ksk
March 20, 2007
DNA tests prove that KISS front man, Gene Simmons is the father of quadruplets!
Speaking of paternity battles, when Anna Nicole Smith’s boy friend, Larry Birkhead told Anna’s lawyer Howard K. Stern to put his DNA where his mouth is, Birkhead was promptly arrested and charged with making an indecent proposal!
In a recent survey, it was revealed that 4 out of 5 Americans are either taking prescription or illegal drugs. It is also noted, that the opening line of a conversation at a bar is no longer “Hey baby, what’s your sign?, but “Hey baby, what are you on?”
When Vice President Dick Cheney, was asked by a reporter if the US obtained the remarkable confessions from Kahlid Sheikh Mohammed by using torture? Cheney turned red and snarled, “If we had him for another day he also would’ve confessed to the Kennedy assassination!”
When Angelina Jolie, clutching her newly adopted 3 year old Vietnamese little boy, was asked by a reporter, “Isn’t he a little old to be breast feeding?”, the little boy turned around and winked!
Diana Ross is still embarrassed about the poor, out of tune performance she gave on “American Idol” last week. A conversation was posted on the internet by a fan who was there with a cell phone, and picked up Simon Cowell, whispering to Paula Abdul that “Diana’s performance was dreadful…sang the wrong song in the wrong key…was pitchey…and lacked originality” A miffed Paula replies, “Don’t you ever have anything positive to say?” at which point Simon says, “OK…her shoes were nice!”
On “Dancing With The Stars”, Heather Mills did a lively foxtrot and was given a score of 6 from each of the judges. When the the audience saw 666, the mark of the beast, half of them crossed themselves and ran out of the studio!
Jury selection has started in the Phil Spector trial and the prosecution has already rejected members of the Crystals and the Ronnettes.
After spending 2 years in prison, Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael, begged for his daughter’s forgiveness…and to be hooked up with her friend, Paris Hilton!
When his application for a visa was denied 3 times for advocating the violent overthrow of the US Government, the President of Iran Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, simply sneaked over the Mexican border and made his scheduled appearance at the UN!
Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne
Special thanks to Richard Yannotti and Chet Allan for their submissions.
January 24, 2007
Officials of the Fox Network have threatened to end “The Simpsons”, the longest running series on television, unless 27 year old Bart agrees to a vasectomy and 25 year old Lisa cancels her Playboy shoot!
Paris Hilton , not the brightest star in the Galaxy, bought a franchise to open a Fridays restaurant. She quickly closed it, however, when she discovered that she couldn’t make a profit being open only one day a week!
Alan Jackson’s latest #1 single is about a man who leaves his wife because she’s surpressing his religious beliefs, it’s called “You Can’t Sit On My Faith Anymore.”
Not to be outdone by the late Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin’s 8 year old daughter, Bindi, who has her own series, Suri Cruise, Tom and Katie’s baby daughter has agreed to play the title role in “Wonder Woman- The beginning”.
When Mischa Barton’s character, “Marissa”, was killed off on “The O.C.”, ratings plummeted! When they brought Barton back this week as “Larissa”, supposedly a clone, the critics all laughed! Taking the unexpected reaction to heart, Fox has started to promote the show as the new comedy hit of the season!
The set of “Happy Feet Two” isn’t too happy these days , after 1000 dancing penguins stopped dancing and went on a march against Equinix studios, when they weren’t permitted to form a union!
Sir Edmond Hillary, 87 year explorer who discovered the South Pole, made a return trip, where he had a tearful reunion with a Polar Bear he raised as a cub on his first visit. When asked how his friend was after all these years, Hillary said, “Delicious!”
A little pussy can only go so far…but sometimes it can go a long way! You might have heard about a cat in the mid-west who hitchhiked 60 miles, but did you hear that Britney Spears, who fell from grace when she lost the Superbowl ad due to her “overexposure”, has landed on her feet and has become the new spokesperson for Purina cat chow?
A secret e-mail from Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, has emerged on the Internet with a “Wish List” for her cabinet after she wins the Presidential election in 2008! When asked, if she really thought she could be a better president than either Hillary Clinton or Condoleeza Rice, Pelosi replied,” Those bitches don’t have a chance…not with the same old song they’ve been singin’!” http://i.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_content/13180/HillaryCondi_HoDown.swf
Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne
Special thanks to Richard Yannotti for the Pfizer scoop
January 17, 2007
Although it may be a head turner, the new Chevy “Half Astro”, didn’t get one advance order at the LA Auto Show last week!
In a study by the Institute of Television Standards and Practices, it was revealed that there was an average of 13 acts of violence every hour on Primetime network shows. This survey, of course, didn’t include the Fox network, which usually averages 13 acts of violence before the first commercial on every show…including the cartoons!
Although the 2 day, 4 hour premier of “24” was a ratings smash with 33 million viewers, the show has been abruptly cancelled! It seems that President Bush has issued an executive order to put Jack Bauer in charge of operations in Iraq…effective immediately!
After all the death threats made against acid-tounged “American Idol” judge Simon Cowell, the producers have provided a bodyguard to protect him from Paula Abdul!
The Paparazzi, have all chipped in to hire a Washington lobbyist to promote a law that will prohibit the use of amateurs using cell phone cameras to record Britney Spears, Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan exiting limosines without underwear!
A restraining order has been filed against “The Views”, Rosie O’Donnell by her boss Barbara Walters. Walters claims, that during commercial breaks, O’Donnell threatened to beat her ass…unless she defended her against Donald Trump’s tirades with a smile! It’s reported by an unamed member of her staff that Barbara threw her hands up, said, “Fuck this!” and called her lawyer.
Soccer Superstar, David Beckham, has finally signed a $250,000,000 contract to bring him to the US, after promoters agreed to let his wife Victoria stage a “Spice Girls Reunion” mini-concert before every home game.
After interviewing Golden Globe Winner Jeniffer Hudson, on the Red Carpet Joan Rivers lips exploded from one too many collagen injections and sent half the cast of “Grey’s Anatomy” to the emergency room!
After an intervention by Mo and Barney, Homer Simpson escaped from rehab and has vowed to remain off the wagon for the rest of his life.
The American Film Institute has announced their list of the 100 most inspiring movies. For the second year in a row, “Deep Throat” comes in at number one!
Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne
Binky is horrified after discovering he’s only one pair of chromosomes away from being human!
The world is reeling after a cell phone video released on the internet shows a silver haired Elvis Presley, celebrating his birthday in Brazil with his balding pals, Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison. Can a “Return of the Kings” tour be far behind?
Role model Paris hilton, in an exclusive interview with Entertainment Tonight, admits she’s not promiscuous and only has sex when she’s in a relationship. Later, she confides in People magazine that she had 112 “relationships” in 2006!
At his long awaited press conference today, President Bush, was outraged that the entire press corp laughed when he proposed enlisting the aid of Jedi Warriors and Storm Troopers to help end the war in Iraq. When informed by veteran reporter Helen Thomas that they all were ficticious characters from “Star Wars”, Bush smirked and said, ” Next thing you’ll try to tell me is that Spiderman isn’t real! “
Shock Jock, Howard Stern just received an 83 million dollar bonus from his bosses at Sirius radio. It’s reported that he gets $100 every time he curses or tells an off color joke.
Several technicians at NASA were fired today after it was revealed that they were using the extreme close-up lens on the Hubble telescope, which circles 380 miles above the earth, to photograph Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan exiting cars in Hollywood!
A team of Iraqi sharpshooters, rifles loaded with silver bullets as well as local villagers armed with wooden stakes, are said to be watching Saddam Hussein’s unmarked grave 24 hours a day…just in case the execution didn’t “take”.
The noxious fumes that hung over New York earlier this week was deemed to be only the fallout from the raging feud between Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell.
Congress has unanimously approved the use of convicted Taliban as human missles. The terrorists, ironically, will have bombs strapped to them and dropped without parachutes over Somalia, to help wipe out their Al Qaeda comrades!
The video of the week submitted by Patti Dahlstrom should give you a smile! http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1734043
Copyright 2006 by Artie Wayne
December 20, 2006
It looks like Saddam Hussein won’t be able to compete as a contestant on next season’s, “Dancing with the Stars”, due to a prior commitment.
Have Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan taken a “time out”? None of the notorious trio have been drunk, arrested or flashed anyone in over a week!
Kevin Federline, has finally made it! He has been the punchline of 27 % of all the jokes told on the Jay Leno, David Letterman and Jimmy Kimmel shows, since his break-up with Britney Spears was announced.
The Indian tribe, who bought the Hard Rock Cafe chain of restaurants for a billion dollars, has put in an undisclosed bid to purchase New York’s Central Park. The Chief smiled and said, “Eventually we’ll get all of Manhattan back…even if we have to pay a little more than we got for it!”
Why was ex-congressman Mark Foley, in a “homemade” Santa Claus suit, being chased by a bunch of irate elves in Macy’s yesterday?
All the hype in the world couldn’t keep William Shatner’s, “Show Me The Money”, on the air. ABC execs claim, ” Not only were the ratings low…but it was just too shitty to continue.”
Did Donald Trump change his mind about firing, “Miss USA” Tara Conners, because philanthropist and homeless advocate, Hugh Hefner offered the recently evicted, Ms. Connors a safe place to stay and a continuing role on “The Girls Next Door”? What a guy, Hef even told her, she wouldn’t have to sign a morals clause!
Yesterday, stocks on Wall Street reached an all-time high…and so did Willie Nelson!
Was Justin Timberlake serious when he gave his girl friend his “Dick In A Box”, An uncensored , unedited Saturday Night Live Video! For Schizzle…My Nizzle! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dmVU08zVpA
Special thanks to Alan O’Day for finding “Dick In A Box” and not turning it in to the Lost and Found!
Copyright 2006 by Artie Wayne
For more “If It’s On The Internet…It’s Gotta’ Be True!” http://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/11/05/if-you-saw-it-on-the-internetthen-you-know-its-gotta-be-true/
Even More “If You Saw It On the Internet…yada, yada, yada” http://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/13/if-its-on-the-internetits-gotta-be-true-is-this-really-britney-spears-pussy/
To reach Alan O’Day http://alanoday.com
Justin Timberlake http://www.myspace.com/justintimberlake
Kevin Federline http://whothehellcares.com