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Scientists have discovered A new planet that may be duplicate of Earth, able to sustain and nurture life as we know it! Until an official name is chosen, they’re calling it “Niptune”

After getting the boot on “Dancing With The Stars”, Heather Mills put the boot on and wore it home to a consolation prize of 60 million dollars from her divorce settlement with soon-to-be-ex Paul McCartney!

Former Beverly Hills madame Heidi Fleiss, has dropped out after failing to make the grade at the Socrates School of Philosophy, which only goes to prove “You can lead a whore to culture, but you can’t make her think!”

The real reason Rosie O’Donnell, is leaving “The View”, is that she discovered Barbara Walters has been secretly lacing her stash of Krispy Kreme donuts with Mescaline to keep her behavior erratic and the ratings high!

On a promotional tour in Jaipur, India, Richard Gere’s lips were taken into custody after he kissed Bollywood actress, Shilpa Shetty which is considered obscene if done in public!

Although Spiderman 3 isn’t in the theaters yet, the title is number one in bootleg sales! People who have bought it, however, have been disappointed to find that it’s only a clip of a Mexican midget eating 3 Tarantulas.

Phil Spector sat quietly, as the last juror in his murder trial was sworn in. Then he jumped up unexpectedly and led the court in a rousing version of, “Be My Baby”!

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Millions of fans wept, as Sanjaya , from”America Idol ” shaved his head to play the brother of a bald Halle Berry, in the new film “Nappily Ever After”

Alanis Morrisette is back with one of the best video parodies on the internet. It’s a cover version of the Black Eyed Peas ‘Lady Lumps”! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZw-8RSyvh8

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

Thanks to Stephen Craig Aristei, Dorothy Parker and Phil X. Milstein for their submissions and to the late Harvey Miller, who helps me every week with this column.

A special thanks to Tracy Morgan, from NBC TV’s “30 Rock”. When Tina Fey questioned him about some dubious information he found online, he proudly replied, ” If It’s On The Internet It, It Has To Be True!”

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Congratulations to Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson for turning “American Idol”, contestant Sanjaya’s life around with their fantastic instructional DVDs!

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Not everyone, however, is happy with the results!

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If you’re wondering why Simon Cowell, has been so nice recently? “American Idol” producers, tricked him into thinking he was having his teeth cleaned, when actually he was being spayed and neutered!

Now that Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, has brought peace to the Middle East, she’s off to Zimbabwe, vowing to end hunger in Africa by Friday!

The Pope is outraged that Paris Hilton is being considered for the starring role in the “Mother Teresa Story”…the Pope exclaimed, “It’s Lindsay Lohan or nobody!”

Speaking of Paris, now that her new “Home Movie” has been officially released, Fox-TV movie critic Bart Simpson said, “It’s one of the few films I’ve ever seen that sucks and blows at the same time!”

Heather Mills, soon-to-be- ex-wife of Beatle, Paul McCartney, has become one of the top contenders on “Dancing With The Stars”, in spite of only having one leg! Now when called “Yoko Uno” by one of her detractors, she takes off her leg and beats their ass with it!

This morning on, “The View”, Tokyo Rosie O’Donnell proposed a way to deal with the immigration problem and world hunger at the same time! Round ‘em up and eat ‘em!

Racially insensitive “Shock Jock”Don Imus, has been ordered to join the newly formed “Fair Play”dodge ball team, which includes Anti-Semitic remark making, Mel Gibson and N-Word using comic, Michael Richards. Their first game will be played Saturday on the court of public opinion against the recently maligned Rutgers Women’s basketball team!

“Girls Gone Wild”, head honcho Joe Francis, convicted of photographing drunken, underage girls naked for his popular series, has finally turned himself in after eluding the police for the past week. He will serve time as the only male prisoner in the newly opened “Lorena Bobbit correctional facility for exploited women” Good luck, Joe!

Special thanks to Chet Allen, Richard Kimball and Stephen Craig Aristei for all sending me this video of Mark Volman and Howie Kaylen, of the Turtles explaining how they kept getting screwed in the music business…over and over again!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JHN5HaUg28

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

To hear Sanjaya sing, “You Really Got Me”! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKF6TGQjasE

Now hear him sing “Bathwater” with his now famous “Pony-Hawk”! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Z9tUs8kTgE

See Sanjaya crowned as Miss America!  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GCRKExf_Ksk 

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First they marched in, “March Of The Penguins”…then they danced in, “Happy Feet”…now penguins are revolting against Al Gore, who has been blaming their flatulence for Global Warming!

Simon Cowell, said he’d quit “American Idol” if 17 year old Sanjaya Malaka wins the competition! Now millions of Sanjayas’ fans are sending Cowell homemade signs that say, “Will Judge For Food.”

When the new miss USA, Rachel Renee Smith cleared her throat at an LA press luncheon, a visibly excited pageant owner Donald Trump, ran up behind her and performed the Heimlich maneuver. He was promptly taken into custody and held on charges of attempted rape!

When Ashston Kutcher’s series “Punk’d” was canceled after eight seasons on MTV, 126 celebrity guests, who were the butt of his practical jokes, returned for the last taping to beat the shit out of him!

At the Nickelodeon awards, instead of being “slimed”, Barney the Dinosaur had a vat of sulphuric acid poured over him by mistake! So far, nobody has complained.

Paris Hilton, prepared to go to jail for 90 days for violating probation, by packing 12 suitcases of clothes, 36 pair of shoes and 2 cases of mouthwash! She was told by authorities that was ridiculous…she wouldn’t need the clothes or the shoes.

A moratorium on jokes about extreme left winger,”Tokyo” Rosie O’Donnell has been declared, until all the hostages she took this morning on the “The View”, have been safely released.

Last week on “Dancing with the Stars”, Heather Mills wowed the crowd and judges alike, in spite of having an artificial leg. This week she dazzled them again, when she strapped on a third leg and did a lively “Texas Three Step!”

Pet owners have been advised not to go to, “Clip, Dip and Clone Pet Groomers” until some minor problems have been worked out.

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For years the Easter Bunny watched cute cuddly bunnies and fluffy little chicks, he gave children as presents for Easter, abandoned as they became adults. Now the cotton-tailed philanthropist is going around convincing the public, one person at a time, that isn’t the right thing to do! http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8960964691152966394&q=easter+bunny+goes+crazy&hl=en

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

Special thanks to Patti Dahlstrom and Sebastian Prooth

To reach Sebastian Prooth http://sebrt.com

Warner-Cable has been sending many shows from ABC-TV to their cable subscribers  slightly out of sync for the past several weeks! The sound is slightly ahead of the picture which can drive you crazy after a while. The discrepancy doesn’t matter much when Rosie O’Donnell is ranting on “The View”, but it made a hell of a lot of difference last night when everyone on “Dancing With The Stars”, seemed to be off on their every move!

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I like to have my sound and my picture at the same time. Ever since Time-Warner bought Adelphia, I’ve been having problems…and not just technical difficulties…which I refuse to stand by for! They dropped several of my favorite music channels, CMT and MTV2 from basic cable and made them available only in a premium package. Since the company hasn’t made a deal with the CW, I’m forced to miss “Smallville”, “Everybody Hates Chris” and “Veronica Mars”.

When I called Time-Warner customer service rep and got an unsympathetic response, I said, “Maybe it’s time to get a satellite dish.” He said arrogantly, “Maybe it is.”

Well, MAYBE IT IS!!! Am I the only one having problems like this?

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During their US trip, Prince Charles in a tizzy after losing his wife Camilla in Harlem, fortunately the global positioning chip implanted in her two front teeth, made her rather easy to find!

Tivo, the home recording system, has a new feature called S.O.S. short for Save Our Sanity! As deftly as it it removes commercials from recorded programs, for the next 22 months, Tivo will automatically remove any mention, picture, or campaign ad of any Presidential candidate running for office, until 24 hours before the actual voting begins.

Rapper, Snoop Dog, unveiled his new line of lingerie called, “Britches and Hose”

The Army demonstrated it’s new top secret laser gun designed to stop terrorists without harming them. One blast gives them a sudden case of explosive diarrhea making them fairly easy to find and to capture!

Forrest Whitiker, Golden Globe and SAG winner for Best Actor, as well as Eddie Murphy and Jeniffer Hudson who won for Best Supporting Actor and Actress, have signed on for the comic remake of “Gone With The Wind”. Samuel Jackson to play Rhett Butler, Halle Berry will be Scarlett O’Hara, with Rosie O’Donnell as the wise and lovable,”Mammy”. The $100,000,000 film will have the largest cast of African-Americans assembled since the “Million Man March”!

Les Moonves, President of CBS television, was warned not to give La Toya Jackson a gun and cast her in the reality series, “Armed And Famous”. When the show was cancelled this week, after only four episodes, an irate “armed” Jackson showed up with her often slighted brother Tito and took Moonves hostage until he agrees to put the show back on the air!

Paris Hilton’s box was opened today after not paying storage, and auctioned off. Among the “Booty” they found new naked pictures of Paris, several “explicit “diaries and a slightly used Backstreet Boy!

Rosie O’Donnell had to have Barbara Walters foot surgically removed from her ass, after O’Donnell’s failed attempt to take over “The View” earlier this week.

Although the Sundance Film festival was a rousing success, three of the best films entered in the competition didn’t receive a single vote! It seems that each of the films was rated Quadruple X, which means that under the new MPAA motion picture rating system, absolutely no one of any age is allowed to see it!

“You Deserve A Break Today!” Kevin Federline…You get shit when you don’t work and shit when you do. Here’s an Exclusive Artie Wayne On The Web sneak peek of K-Fed’s Conroversial Superbowl Commercial that will be airing for the first tme on Sunday! http://nationwide.com/nw/featured-ads/index.htm?hpAdClick=teaser

Thanks to Barry Oslander for this remarkable piece!  She will say anything you type. I sure don’t know how they do this! When you move the mouse around, her eyes follow the pointer. When you type something in the left space and then click on “Say it,” she says it!  You can also change persons doing the talking Technology!  Quite amazing!!!!!!! http://www.oddcast.com/home/demos/tts/frameset.php?frame1=talk

Copyright 2007 by Artie  Wayne

Special Thanks to the late Harvey Miller who helps me with this column every week!

 

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Although it may be a head turner, the new Chevy “Half Astro”, didn’t get one advance order at the LA Auto Show last week!

In a study by the Institute of Television Standards and Practices, it was revealed that there was an average of 13 acts of violence every hour on Primetime network shows. This survey, of course, didn’t include the Fox network, which usually averages 13 acts of violence before the first commercial on every show…including the cartoons!

Although the 2 day, 4 hour premier of “24″ was a ratings smash with 33 million viewers, the show has been abruptly cancelled! It seems that President Bush has issued an executive order to put Jack Bauer in charge of operations in Iraq…effective immediately!

After all the death threats made against acid-tounged “American Idol” judge Simon Cowell, the producers have provided a bodyguard to protect him from Paula Abdul!

The Paparazzi, have all chipped in to hire a Washington lobbyist to promote a law that will prohibit the use of amateurs using cell phone cameras to record Britney Spears, Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan exiting limosines without underwear!

A restraining order has been filed against “The Views”, Rosie O’Donnell by her boss Barbara Walters. Walters claims, that during commercial breaks, O’Donnell threatened to beat her ass…unless she defended her against Donald Trump’s tirades with a smile! It’s reported by an unamed member of her staff that Barbara threw her hands up, said, “Fuck this!” and called her lawyer.

Soccer Superstar, David Beckham, has finally signed a $250,000,000 contract to bring him to the US, after promoters agreed to let his wife Victoria stage a “Spice Girls Reunion” mini-concert before every home game.

After interviewing Golden Globe Winner Jeniffer Hudson, on the Red Carpet Joan Rivers lips exploded from one too many collagen injections and sent half the cast of “Grey’s Anatomy” to the emergency room!

After an intervention by Mo and Barney, Homer Simpson escaped from rehab and has vowed to remain off the wagon for the rest of his life.

The American Film Institute has announced their list of the 100 most inspiring movies. For the second year in a row, “Deep Throat” comes in at number one!

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

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Like everybody else, I was curious about “those” infamous pictures of the most searched name on the web, Britney Spears. So I innocently “Googled” Britney Spears pussy. I was shocked to find this picture on the first page! Is this really Britney’s pussy or somebodys idea of a joke?

Designer Oscar De La Rente, allegedly sold the same red designer evening dress to four women, who wore it to the same Gala at the White House, including First Lady, Laura Bush! De La Rente, was found later that evening, wandering around aimlessly in the White House Rose garden. He was disheveled and mumbled something about four Ninjas, in high heels, who silently beat the shit out of him, while a little black dog in a hockey mask nipped repeatedly at his ankles!

Now you too can smell just like Paris Hilton, by wearing her new fragrance, “Vogue on the Outside…Vague on the Inside.”

Suri, the 7 month old “Scientolgy Wonder Baby”, of Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes not only has learned how to talk, walk and do simple algebra…she’s also learned how to fly!

Kevin Federline and Bobby Brown have taken starring roles in new Fox comedy series, “Assholes Never Take A Day Off”, about two proctolgists who moonlight as lawyers.

19 year old starlet Lindsay Lohan. has been seen around the Big Apple with 80 year old crooner, Tony Bennett. When reminded that having sex with an age difference like theirs could result in death, Tony smiled and said, “If she dies…she dies!”

I guess the human sacrifice worked, Mel Gibson’s film, “Apocalpypto” is number one at the box-office this week!

At least 3 of the people, who are being considered for the new head of the CIA, applied for the job after seeing the agency’s contoversial TV recruitment ads on,”Dancing with the Stars”.

Nicole Ritchie, the 85 pound, co-star of “The Simple Life”, remains at large after she greased herself up with butter and escaped through the bars of the L.A. County Jail, where she was taken after a DUI arrest.

After unexpectedly “outing” singer Clay Aiken and enraging Chinese people everywhere by performing an impromptu, stereotypical impersonation of them, “The View” co-host, and resident loose cannon, Rosie O’Donnell, has been given 3 bodyguards to watch her 24 hours a day. “The View”producers, are afraid she might attempt a hostile takeover of the show while Barbara Walters is away on vacation!

Copyright 2006 by Artie Wayne

To see the uncensored, unedited video of Justin Timberlake’s Dick In A Box http://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/20/if-its-on-the-internetits-gotta-be-true-plus-justin-timberlakes-dick-in-a-box/

To see “More” of Britney Spears…click onto http://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/01/theres-a-crack-in-a-star-on-hollywood-boulevard-quick-call-your-publicist/

To see the”Most” of Britney Spears…click onto http://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/04/exclusive-photos-lindsay-lohan-and-paris-hilton-on-top-of-britney-spears/

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Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton on top of Britney Spears!

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When Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan hang out together, And separately, can the devil be far behind? Men who once stared at women’s breasts during a coversation, finally have another place to look! Last week, on “The View”, Rosie O’Donnell, held up a pair of tiny red panties she supposedly bought Britney. This gave her an excuse to hold up her own huge “Granny Panties”, it might have made the audience laugh…but I’m sure it made all the men who were watching shrivel up in horror!

Now that a video of Michael Richards in blackface has surfaced, how are his “Spin Doctors” going to handle that? Are they going to call it a “Tribute” to Stepin’ Fetchit? What is frightning about this are some of the comments made by the thousands of people who have seen it over the last few days! Click onto http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DVt6eoKB9sw&eurl=

The Sunday morning political talk shows had quite a few Democrats recently “emboldened” by the mid-term elections, who sound as delusional as the current administration does! What it comes down to is, everybody wants to get out of Iraq but nobody knows quite how to do it! I’m sure that our ( I mean their, ) Prime Minister will be urged to make a premature statement that Iraq is ready to govern itself, and get America off the hook. I just hope we leave a few troops and enough nukes to thwart those who are eager to make a “Shish-ka-bomb” or a “Korean Bar-B-Que” out of all of us!

As far as the Iranians go, we should be afraid…very afraid! In my youth I went out with a few Iranian girls who actually told me that they were brought up to tell people what they wanted to hear, then go out and do the exact opposite. One of these girls was the beautiful daughter of a deposed general, who was exiled to the United States along with the Shah of Iran. I admit it was exciting to wonder who was following us on our dates, her father’s bodyguards…or the Secret Service! All of this danger, brought us closer together, and she revealed many aspects of her culture I never knew about. She told me that Iranian men showed no quarter to their enemy and were fierce warriors because they weren’t afraid of dying! It was only when she told me that she feared for my safety, did I take our cultural differences seriously! We continued to see each other secretly, which led me to co-write my first hit song, ” ( Meet Me At) Midnight Mary” (Raleigh/ Wayne). I lost touch with her after she ran off with some Cuban Freedom Fighter!

I’ll tell ya’, It’s becoming harder and harder to avoid politics, when we can almost hear God whispering to the Earth, “Your 15 minutes are up!” What’s really scary is the possibility of Hilary Clinton actually becoming President…I would only feel confident if she chose Danny DeVito as her running mate! At least we’d have a few laughs before we all had to “Duck and Cover”!

Copyright 2006 by Artie Wayne

IF YOU LIKE “EM REALLY BIG! CLICK ON TO http://www.over50music.com/

EXTRA! EXTRA! EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS KRISTEN BELL BLOWS!
http://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/11/12/it-was-women-and-children-firstthe-day-the-bubblegum-bubble-burst/ 

EXCLUSIVE! Lindsay Sniffs, Paris Strips, Rosie flips! http://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2007/05/30/if-its-on-the-internet-its-gotta-be-true-lindsay-sniffs-paris-strips-rosie-flips/

FLASH!!! Lindsay Lohan Voted People’s “Skank Of The Week!
http://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2007/05/16/if-its-on-the-internet-its-gotta-be-true-peoples-first-skank-of-the-week/

NEW EXCLUSIVE!- BALD BRITNEY ARRESTED AT LAX! http://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2007/02/19/if-its-on-the-internet-its-gotta-be-true-excusive-bald-britney-arrested-at-airport/

Exclusive photo! “Triple Breasted Beauty!” http://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/26/if-its-on-the-internet-its-gotta-be-true-triple-breasted-beauty-photo-exclusive/

See what Britney saw, the uncensored video of Justin Timberlake’s Dick In A Box! http://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/20/if-its-on-the-internetits-gotta-be-true-plus-justin-timberlakes-dick-in-a-box/

Shocking NEW Photo – Is This Really Britney Spears Pussy? Click onto http://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/13/if-its-on-the-internetits-gotta-be-true-is-this-really-britney-spears-pussy/


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