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When Rosie O’Donnell, followed Elizabeth Hasselbeck home after their fight on “The View”, it’s fortunate that her husband, Tim Hasselbeck NY Giants Quarterback, answered the door. He was able to hold off Rosie until his wife could change the batteries in her stun gun. Ms. O’Donnell, will be arraigned in court on Monday…on 23 counts of being a bitch.

“Survivor” producer Mark Burnette and Chef Emeril Lagasse, have changed the name of their new show, “Adventures with Road Kill” to “Cooking On A Budget”.

The 28 planets recently discovered have been named after the 7 Dwarfs, Angelina and Madonna’s adopted children, as well as, 15 of Anne Heche’s multiple personalities!

It looks like the hottest show in the UK, “Are You Smarter Than A Monkey?”, won’t be coming to the US, until they find some celebrities who can beat the monkey!

Hugh Hefner, is recovering after taking an accidental  overdose of horse Viagra at the Kentucky Derby.

“Dancing With The Stars”, has been having trouble finding celebrities for their show since it was announced that attempted murderess, Amy Fisher and her former lover, “Bad Ass” Joey Butafucco, were signed for next season’s competition.

Lindsay Lohan’s had second thoughts about asking Paris Hilton to be a character witness in her upcoming trial for DUI and possessing cocaine.

“Naked Paris Hilton throws herself on the mercy of the court while a confused Tinkerbell tries to revive her”, is the controversial sculpture that has been removed from the Museum of Modern Art, for exploiting an innocent “bitch” ( referring of course to the dog!)

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Lynn Spears, put a shiny gold star on her daughter Britney’s little bald head, as a reward for not doing anything to make the tabloids this week.

Here’s a rare clip of Jay Leno dancing and singing with his sister as a kid. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ICk1Msldu1w

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

For more of Lindsay, Paris and Britney http://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/04/exclusive-photos-lindsay-lohan-and-paris-hilton-on-top-of-britney-spears/

Thanks to Alan O’Day and Richard Yannotti for their contributions, and to the late Harvey Miller for helping with this column every week.

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Officials of the Fox Network have threatened to end “The Simpsons”, the longest running series on television, unless 27 year old Bart agrees to a vasectomy and 25 year old Lisa cancels her Playboy shoot!

Paris Hilton , not the brightest star in the Galaxy, bought a franchise to open a Fridays restaurant. She quickly closed it, however, when she discovered that she couldn’t make a profit being open only one day a week!

Alan Jackson’s latest #1 single is about a man who leaves his wife because she’s surpressing his religious beliefs, it’s called “You Can’t Sit On My Faith Anymore.”

Not to be outdone by the late Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin’s 8 year old daughter, Bindi, who has her own series, Suri Cruise, Tom and Katie’s baby daughter has agreed to play the title role in “Wonder Woman- The beginning”.

When Mischa Barton’s character, “Marissa”, was killed off on “The O.C.”, ratings plummeted! When they brought Barton back this week as “Larissa”, supposedly a clone, the critics all laughed! Taking the unexpected reaction to heart, Fox has started to promote the show as the new comedy hit of the season!

The set of “Happy Feet Two” isn’t too happy these days , after 1000 dancing penguins stopped dancing and went on a march against Equinix studios, when they weren’t permitted to form a union!

Sir Edmond Hillary, 87 year explorer who discovered the South Pole, made a return trip, where he had a tearful reunion with a Polar Bear he raised as a cub on his first visit. When asked how his friend was after all these years, Hillary said, “Delicious!”

A little pussy can only go so far…but sometimes it can go a long way! You might have heard about a cat in the mid-west who hitchhiked 60 miles, but did you hear that Britney Spears, who fell from grace when she lost the Superbowl ad due to her “overexposure”, has landed on her feet and has become the new spokesperson for Purina cat chow?

A secret e-mail from Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, has emerged on the Internet with a “Wish List” for her cabinet after she wins the Presidential election in 2008! When asked, if she really thought she could be a better president than either Hillary Clinton or Condoleeza Rice, Pelosi replied,” Those bitches don’t have a chance…not with the same old song they’ve been singin’!” http://i.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_content/13180/HillaryCondi_HoDown.swf

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

Special thanks to Richard Yannotti for the Pfizer scoop

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