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When orphaned twin tigers and twin orangutans were raised together, zoo keepers knew they’d have to separate them before they grew up or face the possibility of one pair eating the other. Apparently, they didn’t separate them fast enough!

Native women in Malawi, Africa wisely hid their children when they heard Madonna was coming to their country for a “little visit”.

Last week, “The Invisible Man Group” made it’s debut at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas. Critics all agreed it was the best musical act they’ve never seen!

Hilary Clinton, is leading in the polls again after it was rumored that she’ll choose “American Idol” contestant, Sanjaya Malakar as her running mate. Sanjaya, however, has denied the rumor! He admits, when he was asked if he’d like to run with Hilary, he thought they were talking about going jogging with Hilary Duff.

Rapper Snoop Dogg, has decided to clean up his act, and sold his interest in the lingerie line, “Britches and Hose” He also eliminated, ‘Nigga”, and all other offensive words from his 3 hour stage show…which now runs at a tight 18 minutes!

Middle class African-American basher, Don Imus, anti-Semitic ranter Mel Gibson, Black-baiting comedian Michael Richards and Homophobic actor Isaiah Washington, had to be treated by a team of paramedics after they were pummeled by the Rutgers Women Basketball team during a charity dodge ball game!

“Girls Gone Wild”, CEO Joe Francis, in jail for photographing naked drunken underage girls escaped from the Lorena Bobbit correctional facility for abused and exploited women. A few hours later, he was found by the local police, claiming he ran away because he was a victim of “Cool and unusual punishment!”

Bristol-Myers’ star, “Speedy” Alka-Seltzer, is out of retirement to team up with Paris Hilton, bringing new meaning to the slogan, “Relief Is Just A Swallow Away!”

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The Who…embark on their latest “Farewell” Tour!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqfFrCUrEbY

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

For more of Paris https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/18/it-looks-like-paris-blows-it-again/

Thanks to Paul Payton for his contribution of the Who tour video.

Thanks to the late Harvey Miller, who helps me with this column every week!

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A few years ago I was in the USC medical center for some tests. I was put in a ward next to a young man who was handcuffed to his bed. He looked over at me and said, “Yo’ Pops, can I have some of your water?”

I said, “First, don’t call me Pops, I may not as young as you, but I can still beat your ass!”. He smiled weakly, whille bandaged over much of his upper body, and asked politely, “Can I please have some of your water, sir?” Just as I was about to give it to him, a large male nurse took the glass out of my hand, glared at him and said, “You know you’re not allowed to have any water…because of your gunshot wounds!”

I asked him what happened? He said he was a gangbanger and he was in a shootout with a rival gang. I asked him if he thought this kind of life style was cool or romantic?

“I did…until I got shot!”

“How do you feel about it now?”

“It hurts…It really hurts! I didn’t expect getting shot would feel like this!”

I told him I was a songwriter and I shared a few lines with him that I had written a few days earlier.

You Can’t Push A Bullet Back Into A Gun

You can say that you’re sorry, but the damage is done

you may as well try to blow out the sun

You Can’t Push A Bullet Back Into A Gun

He asked me to repeat it, then asked me to write it down. As I gave it to him I said, “I hope you remember those words if you’re ever in a situation like that again.” He just nodded. At lights out, I could hear him quietly moaning, his medication wasn’t working well enough. I called for the night nurse and let him use my Walkman. I told him that whenever the pain became too much to bear just turn the music up.

The next morning, he was taken to a private room to recover. He told me that turning up the music on my Walkman really helped him dampen the pain. I told him that he was welcome to borrow it while he was recovering.

I honestly never expected to see him or or my walkman ever again, but a week later he dropped by my bed to see me before he was about to be discharged. Handcuffed to his wheelchair, being pushed by an L.A. police officer, he handed me my Walkman and recited by memory…

You Can’t Push A Bullet Back Into A Gun

You say that you’re sorry but the damage is done

You may as well try to blow out the sun

You Can’t Push a Bullet Back Into A Gun

He shook my hand and smiled. Although I never saw or heard from him again, I knew he would never forget his experience and neither will I. A few weeks later I finished the song.

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

 

 

You Can’t Push A Bullet Back Into A Gun

By Artie Wayne

You Can’t Push A Bullet Back Into A Gun

You say that you’re sorry, but the damage is done

You may as well try to blow out the sun

You Can’t Push A Bullet Back Into A Gun

Little Jenny skippin’ rope in front of school

Starts to cry when a gang drives by, shootin’ at some fool

But they miss their mark, escape through the park

While Jenny’s on the ground, watchin’ the world get dark

You Can’t Push A Bullet Back Into A Gun

You say that you’re sorry but the damage is done

You may as well try to blow out the sun

You Can’t Push A Bullet Back into A Gun

A truck cuts crazy Bobby off out on highway four

Reaches into his pocket, gotta’ even the score

Meanwhile, at the mall, back against the wall

Some guy with a grudge says, ” I’m gonna’ show ‘em all

Make ‘em fall, watch “em crawl.

You Can’t Push A Bullet Back Into A Gun

You say that you’re sorry but the damage is done

You may as well try to blow out the sun

You Can’t Push A Bullet Back into A Gun

 

Is it the stranger we should fear the most?

Or family and friends, the ones who are close?

It’s brother kills brother makin’ the news

A murdering wife, tired of being abused

It’s a frustrated lover who just can’t go on

It’s a careless grandfather cleaning his gun

it’s a molested daughter who couldn’t escape

It’s a six year old son who finds dad’s ‘38

[Instrumental]

It’s a tale of envy or a tale of lust

It’s the monster hiding in everyone of us

Now everyday, we all have to pray

That some little country won’t blow the whole world away

You Can’t Push A Bullet Back Into A Gun

You say that you’re sorry but the damage is done

You may as well try to blow out the sun

You Can’t Push A Bullet Back Into A Gun

 

Copyright-2003 Wayne Art music

artie_wayne@yahoo.com

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Whoppy and Streaker in a pensive mood.

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AND JUST IN CASE YOU MIGHT HAVE MISSED THE BEST OF ARTIE WAYNE ON THE WEB, FROM JULY 4, 2006 TO JANUARY, 15, 2007…. https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2007/01/14/guide-to-artie-wayne-on-the-web/

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Congratulations to Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson for turning “American Idol”, contestant Sanjaya’s life around with their fantastic instructional DVDs!

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Not everyone, however, is happy with the results!

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If you’re wondering why Simon Cowell, has been so nice recently? “American Idol” producers, tricked him into thinking he was having his teeth cleaned, when actually he was being spayed and neutered!

Now that Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, has brought peace to the Middle East, she’s off to Zimbabwe, vowing to end hunger in Africa by Friday!

The Pope is outraged that Paris Hilton is being considered for the starring role in the “Mother Teresa Story”…the Pope exclaimed, “It’s Lindsay Lohan or nobody!”

Speaking of Paris, now that her new “Home Movie” has been officially released, Fox-TV movie critic Bart Simpson said, “It’s one of the few films I’ve ever seen that sucks and blows at the same time!”

Heather Mills, soon-to-be- ex-wife of Beatle, Paul McCartney, has become one of the top contenders on “Dancing With The Stars”, in spite of only having one leg! Now when called “Yoko Uno” by one of her detractors, she takes off her leg and beats their ass with it!

This morning on, “The View”, Tokyo Rosie O’Donnell proposed a way to deal with the immigration problem and world hunger at the same time! Round ’em up and eat ’em!

Racially insensitive “Shock Jock”Don Imus, has been ordered to join the newly formed “Fair Play”dodge ball team, which includes Anti-Semitic remark making, Mel Gibson and N-Word using comic, Michael Richards. Their first game will be played Saturday on the court of public opinion against the recently maligned Rutgers Women’s basketball team!

“Girls Gone Wild”, head honcho Joe Francis, convicted of photographing drunken, underage girls naked for his popular series, has finally turned himself in after eluding the police for the past week. He will serve time as the only male prisoner in the newly opened “Lorena Bobbit correctional facility for exploited women” Good luck, Joe!

Special thanks to Chet Allen, Richard Kimball and Stephen Craig Aristei for all sending me this video of Mark Volman and Howie Kaylen, of the Turtles explaining how they kept getting screwed in the music business…over and over again!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JHN5HaUg28

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

To hear Sanjaya sing, “You Really Got Me”! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKF6TGQjasE

Now hear him sing “Bathwater” with his now famous “Pony-Hawk”! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Z9tUs8kTgE

See Sanjaya crowned as Miss America!  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GCRKExf_Ksk 

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Growing up in the turbulent 60’s in the Shadow of the Cold War, wasn’t easy! Growing up in New York of the 60’s, with all the drugs and violence, had an even harder edge. I was tired of writing formula pop songs about made-up experiences in a location that no longer held any fascination for me. My recording career had fizzled out and my marriage was winding down. Although my partner, Kelli Ross and I were running the publishing companies of Quincy Jones, Leslie Gore, Bobby Scott, Janis Ian, Joey Levine and Artie Resnick, my own creativity was suffering from a lack of positive stimulation.

I knew the next musical trend would be coming from the west coast, when I first heard, “Cherish” by the Association” and “California Dreaming”, by the Mamas and Papas…but when I heard “Macarthur Park” by Richard Harris I knew it had arrived!

Before I go on with my story, I’d like you listen to hear the song that kicked me into high gear. It’s Richard Harris singing his classic record, which Jimmy Webb, wrote and produced…”Macarthur Park”. This video is distracting, so personally I prefer to listen to the music and let my imagination create my own pictures. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0D-boeOCG0

Although “Macarthur Park” was seven minutes long, twice the length of any song on the radio at the time, it quickly became number one! The poetry of the lyric and beautiful, psychedelic labyrinth of music gave a shot in the arm to Pop music in general, and to me particular. I took my first trip to Hollywood in the summer of 1968 to get a better understanding of the new emerging music scene …and to get a quickie Mexican divorce.

Jackie DeShannon, took me on a tour of Hollywood and introduced me to the wonders of Malibu Beach. I hung out at the Troubadour and the Whiskey with Bruce Johnston of the Beach Boys and Terry Kirkman of the Association. I went to parties up at Mike Love’s, down at Richard Baskin’s and over at Football Hall Of Famer, Jim Brown’s house. I reunited with my long time songwriting partner, Ben Raleigh ( “Love Is A Hurting Thing”, “Tell Laura I Love Her”) who had recently relocated to California. I also hooked up with my friend Bob Stone, who was once signed to me, as he celebrated his number one record with Cher, “Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves ” I also started writing with Gary Zekely and Mitch Bottler ( “Wait A Million Years”, “Sooner Or Later”), found time to go to a Phil Spector recording session…as well as fall in-and-out of love a couple of times!

It was quite an eventful two weeks, but I still hadn’t met Jimmy Webb, whose music brought me out here in the first place. As my plane took off for New York, “Up, Up and Away” kept running through my mind…I was disappointed, but I knew I’d be coming back.

Jimmy’s songs like, “Didn’t We?”,”The Worst That Can Happen”, “Wichita Lineman”, and “Galveston”, continued to inspire me as I spent my last dreary year in New York. It was two years after moving to the West Coast, however, before I finally met my inspiration!

I was working as General Professional Manager for Warner Brothers Music, when CEO, Ed Silvers, informed me that we now represented Jimmy Webb. I can’t tell you how excited I was to go out to his house in Encino with Warner Brothers Records President, Mo Ostin to hear the final mixes of his latest WB album, and finally meet my hero!

As we waited for Jimmy in his game room, I saw a Las Vegas slot machine in the corner. I put a quarter in and hit the jackpot. Mo smiled…as I hit the jackpot again…again and again! Mo, started glaring at me as I tried to push my winnings back into the machine. Now fully embarrassed, I started kicking hundreds of quarters underneath the living room rug, just as Jimmy walked in laughing…that’s when I realized I was the victim of a practical joke!

I knew I was gonna’ like working with this guy!

( To Be Continued )

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

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“Three Swans on the Serpentine” – Copyright 2007 by Patti Dahlstrom