Artie Wayne On The Web…Strikes Back!
December 27, 2007
Defying a court order, we refuse to apologize to any one in the media who have run stories from, “If It’s On The Internet, It’s Gotta’ Be True!” as real news . Most of you understand that we fabricate the foolish and celebrate the insane…if you think otherwise that’s your problem!
We were proud to be spoofed last season on the Emmy nominated comedy “30 Rock”. When Tina Fey questions Tracy Morgan about some dubious information he found online, he responds with wrongteous indignation, “If It’s On The Internet, It’s Gotta’ Be True!”
Now decide for yourself…with the top twenty stories of the year and remember, ” If It’s On The Internet, It’s Gotta’ Be True!”
It was revealed after a mix-up at the DNA lab, that Larry Birkhead is actually the father of Scary Spice’s baby, while Eddie Murphy is the father of Anna Nicole Smiths’ Dannielynn, and Knut the baby polar bear.
When a reporter asked President Bush if he knew he was wearing one brown shoe and one black shoe, Bush looked down and said, “Of course, I even have another pair like it at home.”
83 year old, Bob Barker retired host of “The Price Is Right” is speaking out on his romance with 21 year old starlet, Lindsay Lohan. “ I know that there’s a big age difference between us and having sex could result in death, but if she dies…she dies!”
Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours as Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
When Chelsea Clinton, asked a returning US Soldier about fear.He said that there were only three things he was afraid of: “Osama, Obama, and Yo’ Mama.”
While packing to go to jail, Paris Hilton and her mother were watching the Republican “Mass Debaters” on TV. When it was candidate Mitt Romney’s turn to speak, Paris exclaimed, “He doesn’t sound like a moron!” Her mother smiled and replied, ” I said he was a Mormon…not a moron, dear”
Millions of fans wept, as Sanjaya , from”America Idol ” shaved his head to play the brother of a bald Halle Berry, in the new film “Nappily Ever After”
After vigorously and relentlessly promoting the use of, “One square of toilet tissue per sitting”, Sheryl Crow shouldn’t have been surprised when she put her hand on Karl Rove’s shoulder during the Washington Correspondents dinner and he screamed, “Don’t touch me!”
At his long awaited press conference today, President Bush, was outraged that the entire press corp laughed when he proposed enlisting the aid of Jedi Warriors and Storm Troopers to help end the war in Iraq. When informed by veteran reporter Helen Thomas that they all were ficticious characters from “Star Wars”, Bush smirked and said, ” Next thing you’ll try to tell me is that Spiderman isn’t real! “
First Lady , Laura Bush is still trying to explain the ounce of Columbian grass, customs officials found in her bra, when she returned to the U.S. today!
Although citizens of Washington, D.C. are now legally allowed to carry concealed weapons, night clubs are still frisking their patrons. If they don’t have a gun, the management issues them one…just to keep the odds even!
The Food and Drug Administration has issued a warning for consumers to watch out for fake male contraceptive pills that are flooding the market. The real pills don’t have a colorful candy shell with an “M” stamped on the outside!
Al Gore celebrates the anniversary of the Internet…which he invented 16 years ago!
After losing to Binky, on the UK ’s wildly popular TV show, “Are You Smarter Than A Monkey?”, Prince Charles is still walking around with his hand stuck in a coconut shell! So far, no one has the nerve to tell him that if he lets go of the peanut inside, he’d be able to pull his hand out easily.
Britney Spears, bald on top and bald at the bottom, was mistaken for a member of the Hare Krishna at LAX airport last night. When passengers started dropping change into the coffee cup she was carrying, airport security took her into custody for panhandling. When she was released, the police apologized and allowed her to keep the $26 she had collected, providing she’d buy a hat and some panties!
Last night when people tuned in to “Dancing with the Stars” to see if “the leg would fall off”, they weren’t disappointed! They were surprised , however, that it was host’s Tom Bergeron’s leg that fell off, not Heather Mills’ as expected.
If you wonder why Simon Cowell, has been so nice? “American Idol” producers, tricked him into thinking he was having his teeth cleaned, when actually he was being spayed and neutered!
A fire this morning at Paris Hilton’s Apartment, was quickly contained, but not before it destroyed her entire library! Unfortunately, both of her books were lost, her autobiography and one more…which she hadn’t finished coloring.
Finally, In a surprise news conference, Donald Trump announced that he was ending his feud with Rosie O’Donnell. He said , “I want to say I’m sorry Rosie…I’m sorry, you’re such a bitch!”, then turned and walked away.
Tivo, the home recording system, has a new feature called S.O.S. short for Save Our Sanity! As deftly as it it removes commercials from recorded programs, Tivo will automatically remove any mention, picture, or campaign ad of any Presidential candidate running for office, until 24 hours before the actual voting begins.
Happy New Year from all of us at Artie Wayne On The Web!
Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne