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The morning after Al Gore’s, wild “Earth Day” party at his Nashville Mansion, dozens of panties found on the lawn, were explained away as being a new exhibit.

After vigorously and relentlessly promoting the use of, “One square of toilet tissue per sitting”, Sheryl Crow shouldn’t have been surprised when she put her hand on Karl Rove’s shoulder during the Washington Correspondents dinner and he screamed, “Don’t touch me!”

What comes with Prez hopeful, John Edward’s $400 haircut…a “Happy Ending?”

As a result of the recent fallout over the comment made by Don Imus, the officials of the Miss Black America Pageant have just released this decision: Beginning this year there will be only 49 contestants in the Miss Black America Contest because no one shall be required to wear a banner that says ” IDAHO.” (Think about it)

The recently eliminated “American Idol” contestant, Sanjaya, e-mailed Madonna, ” I’m flattered by your offer, but I already have parents.”

Paris Hilton, took a spill, after going down on an up escalator.

“Bono is performing at a U2 concert in Ireland, when he asks the audience for some quiet.Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands…Holding the audience in total silence, then he says into the mike, “Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.” At which point a little voice from the front of the audience cries out, “Then stop clapping your Fookin’ Hands!”

Everyone was asking why Martha Stewart’s boyfriend, Dr. Charles Simony, who paid 20 million dollars to go into space, landed his craft in remote Kazakhstan. Was it to seek political asylum from the abusive Ms. Stewart…who has been known to beat him like an egg?

Naomi Campbell has done it again! First, she had to perform community service for throwing a phone at her assistant. Now, after hitting a tugboat captain with an anchor, when he cut her off on Long Island Sound, an angry judge sentenced her to 3 months of anchor management!

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Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were outraged when the Berlin Zoo wouldn’t sell them Knut the baby polar bear for daughter Suri’s first birthday present. Tom immediately commissioned, “The greatest doll in the world to be made in Suri’s likeness!”. Tom’s been known to go to extremes, but I don’t think he expected this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBXr15K2uSc&mode=related&search

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

Thanks to Patti Dahlstrom, Sharon Link, Shel Talmy, and Phil X. Milstein, for their submissions and to the late Harvey Miller for helping me with this column every week.

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First they marched in, “March Of The Penguins”…then they danced in, “Happy Feet”…now penguins are revolting against Al Gore, who has been blaming their flatulence for Global Warming!

Simon Cowell, said he’d quit “American Idol” if 17 year old Sanjaya Malaka wins the competition! Now millions of Sanjayas’ fans are sending Cowell homemade signs that say, “Will Judge For Food.”

When the new miss USA, Rachel Renee Smith cleared her throat at an LA press luncheon, a visibly excited pageant owner Donald Trump, ran up behind her and performed the Heimlich maneuver. He was promptly taken into custody and held on charges of attempted rape!

When Ashston Kutcher’s series “Punk’d” was canceled after eight seasons on MTV, 126 celebrity guests, who were the butt of his practical jokes, returned for the last taping to beat the shit out of him!

At the Nickelodeon awards, instead of being “slimed”, Barney the Dinosaur had a vat of sulphuric acid poured over him by mistake! So far, nobody has complained.

Paris Hilton, prepared to go to jail for 90 days for violating probation, by packing 12 suitcases of clothes, 36 pair of shoes and 2 cases of mouthwash! She was told by authorities that was ridiculous…she wouldn’t need the clothes or the shoes.

A moratorium on jokes about extreme left winger,”Tokyo” Rosie O’Donnell has been declared, until all the hostages she took this morning on the “The View”, have been safely released.

Last week on “Dancing with the Stars”, Heather Mills wowed the crowd and judges alike, in spite of having an artificial leg. This week she dazzled them again, when she strapped on a third leg and did a lively “Texas Three Step!”

Pet owners have been advised not to go to, “Clip, Dip and Clone Pet Groomers” until some minor problems have been worked out.

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For years the Easter Bunny watched cute cuddly bunnies and fluffy little chicks, he gave children as presents for Easter, abandoned as they became adults. Now the cotton-tailed philanthropist is going around convincing the public, one person at a time, that isn’t the right thing to do! http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8960964691152966394&q=easter+bunny+goes+crazy&hl=en

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

Special thanks to Patti Dahlstrom and Sebastian Prooth

To reach Sebastian Prooth http://sebrt.com

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Al-Kildamuddah, has become the head of Iraqi security forces. Some say, “HappyDays Are Here Again!”, while others think, “It’s Sadaam Shame!”

“Culture Warrior”Bill O’Reilly, one of the first passengers scanned by the new airport X-Ray machine, was taken into custody after they found a stick up his ass!

There was a mass Tivo malfunction during the Academy Award ceremonies. As soon as the four hour show was over, instead of stopping, Tivo replayed the event from the beginning…over and over again! Millions of people who fell asleep during the boring event…kept waking up and asking, “How many times is Martin Scorsese going to win for best director?”

After winning an Oscar for best documentary on Global Warming and saving energy, Al Gore peddled his bicycle around the corner to a parking lot where his turbo charged, stretch limo waited to take him home to his mansion!

JFK conspiiracy theorists are having a field day since new color footage has emerged of Dealy Plaza on Nov. 22, 1963. There are several frames that show the grassy knoll with a young O.J. Simpson, shoving a nine iron with a telescopic site, into a golf bag!

“Dancing With The Stars”, seems to be scraping the bottom of the Big Dipper for this years line up of b-list celebrity contestants. Heather Mills (soon to be Mrs. Ex-Paul McCartney) was the first to be disqualified after producers discovered she was a professional! It seems that Ms. Mills has been dancing around the truth for years!

A Preist, a Rabbi and a radical Muslim cleric walk into a bar, and are shot by a gay minister, for appearing in a joke too stupid to even finish!

Paris Hilton’s perfume, “Vogue On The Outside, Vague On The Inside”, has been outselling Lindsay Lohan’s “Firecrotch” by a ratio of 69 to 1.

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Animal Planet’s newest show, “Animal Idol”, another “American Idol” spinoff, has become the networks biggest hit! Simon Cowell’s cat, Wesley, a judge on the show has been considered to be an even harsher critic than Cowell is.

When an American Idol contestant sucks, it’s no big deal, until pictures show up! http://poponthepop.blogspot.com/2007/02/antonella-barba-naked-pictures.html

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

Special thanks to Sharon Link for the picture of Wesley Cowell

Thanks to Don Williams for the expression, “It’s Sadaam shame”

I’m one of those people who get angry when the newspapers print a rumor masquerading as as a fact on page one and a few days later print a retraction on page 45. In my last blog I mentioned that Brian Jones of the Rolling Stones created the famous guitar riff from “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction”. Musician, Artist, producer, and musicologist Al Kooper, who I’ve known since the sixties contacted me about my claim. He said that,”The guitar riff is famously associiated with Keith Richards, who has told the story in many interviews” Al also said that he e-mailed Andrew Loog Oldham, the Stones former producer/ manager, who confirmed that it was, “A Richards Riff not a Jones Jangle!”

This set me to thinking where did I get my information? We all know that, “It must be true if you saw it on the internet’…but this was long before Al Gore invented it! After a little meditation and some memory retreival I narrowed it down to two possible sources. The first, was a serialized version of a former Rolling Stone, disgruntled drug dealer’s “tell all book”, that ran in the National Enquirer (that I read at the checkout counter.) The second was the confession of one of Brian Jones’ ex-girlfriends, revealed during an intimate moment ( I won’t even try to go there)

Anyway, I try not to let the facts get in the way, so I e-mailed Al back that I was standing by my claim that Brian created that famous riff. Al e-mailed back, ” I just like to see the truth printed in the day of so much untruth.”, which really hit me hard, Al continued,”The guy who produced the record and was in the studio, who was in the store when Keith bought the fuzz-tone at the suggestion of Jack Nitzsche, says it was totally Keith, and he’s a huge Brian fan !!!! He discovered the band, produced them and managed them. Is there a better authority?”
How can I argue with that…Another Urban Myth Bytes The Dust!
Thanks Al…Andrew.