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Cheryl Burke and Emmitt Smith

There are a lot of rumors circulating on the internet…let’s see what’s out there this week!

This season’s winner of the “Dancing with the Stars”competition, Emmitt Smith, has signed to star in a new film, an “All Singing, All Dancing” version of his life. Clay Aiken and Michael Jackson have already signed on to play two of his pals from the Dallas Cowboys!

This season’s runner-up, on the popular dance show, Mario Lopez has been granted amnesty by Govenor Arnold Schwartzenegger for performing unauthorized moves on his partner Karina during the competition!

Jerry Springer, former controversial talk show host, instigator, referee, Mayor of Cincinnati, and dance show contestant, has been tapped to replace John J. Bolton as US Ambassador to the UN!

Today, Al Gore celebrates the anniversary of the Internet…which he invented 16 years ago!

The Paris home of Sascha Baron Cohen, the creator and star of “Borat”, is besieged by villagers from Kazakhstan, who are bearing torches! The impoverished group, from the country where the highly succesful film took place, cry out for some more “Bread” for the demeaning roles they were tricked into playing. Cohen’s insensitive girlfriend, is heard to say, “Let them cake”… just before the shit hits the fan!

Last night, George Michael, “Googled” himself and was promptly taken into custody!

Kevin Federline, recently retired rapper K-Fed, now known as Fed-Ex, is allegedly hawking the intimate video he made on his honeymoon with Britney Spears. Gentleman that he is, he claims he’s only using it as audition tape to get his next gig! Look at your watch Kevin, your 15 minues are up!

Is it really over between 60 Minutes’ Andy Rooney and Hollywood bad girl Lindsey Lohan?

Bush goes to Vietnam…as Hell freezes over!

And finally, why wasn’t Scientology founder, L. Ron Hubbard, invited to the Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ wedding?…Because he passed away in 1986 or so we’ve been led to believe!

Copyright 2006 by Artie Wayne

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This morning I interviewed my long time friend, Kenny Schaffer, long-ago publicist for the Left Banke, Jimi Hendrix, Alice Cooper and Jerry Garcia. This is the guy who also invented the wireless microphone and the wireless guitar in his spare time! The critics are raving about TV2Me, his latest invention, which allows you to bring your local cable or satellite programming with you, at cable-TV quality, anywhere you travel in the world! http://tv2me.com

As we took a breather from the interview, catching up on old times and laughing, I joked about my becoming the Andy Rooney of Rock and he told me a story about the man himself.

“You know that I suggested two stories to Andy Rooney, both of which he actually did. My favorite one was the one about “blow-in cards” that keep falling out of magazines. I suggested that they block the drainpipe of my bathtub, fall all over the floor, etc.. I proposed to him that everybody should collect all these freaking drop-in cards until they have a pile of 30 or 50, then walk over to the post box and dump them all in (blank, of course). And since they’re return postage paid, the assholes who put these things in the magazines will eventually get the idea — in their pockets, possibly the only part of their anatomy used for thinking.

Rooney did the story – but wimped out – stopping just short of suggesting people dump the unsigned cards into the post box — (probably some intervention from “standards and practices” at CBS.)

Kenny…All I can say is let the revolution begin!

You can reach Kenny Schaffer at http://nutcom.com

You can reach Artie Wayne at http://artiewayne.com

You can reach Andy Rooney at http://whothehellknows.com