While Spiderman was standing at the box office counting the receipts for his latest blockbuster movie, Shrek 3 sneaked up behind him and knocked him out with a two by four, and ran away with the weekend!

At the annual Girl Scouts dinner, Alec Baldwin and David Hasselhoff, had a fistfight over who was more deserving of being “Father Of The Year”

When The Houston Museum Of Natural Science, said they would buy cockroaches for 25 cents apiece to fill a new exhibit, they never expected to shell out 2.2 million dollars. Nor did they expect the board of health to shut them down so quickly!

An international incident was narrowly averted, when Ex-President Bill Clinton was taken into custody before he could grope the Queen, at the Kentucky Derby.

When Chelsea Clinton, asked a returning US Soldier about fear.He said that there were only three things he was afraid of: “Osama, Obama, and Yo’ Mama.”

The Frito Bandito, was arrested yesterday by the authorities when he tried to sneak across the border into the US with 1000 lbs. of salted contraband.

While packing to go to jail, Paris Hilton and her mother were watching the Republican “Mass Debaters” on TV. When it was candidate Mitt Romney’s turn to speak, Paris exclaimed, “He doesn’t sound like a moron!” Her mother smiled and replied, ” I said he was a Mormon…not a moron, dear”

The 65 million dollar lawsuit against a dry cleaners by a Washington D.C. judge for losing a pair of pants, has been thrown out of court! The Supreme court ruled that the suit was ridiculous and no pair of pants is worth more than 60 million dollars!

If you want to see Brooke Shields go viral!

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

Thanks to Phil X. Milstein and Patti Dahlstrom for their submissions and to the late Harvey Miller who helps me with this column every week.


Isaiah Washington, from “Grey’s Anatomy”, was ordered into counseling for 3 months after he called a castmate a “Faggot”, on the Golden Globes. When Washington’s lawyer tried to convince the court his client was actually calling him, “A pig liver meatball” and displayed a picture he found of the English delicacy on the internet, the outraged judge sentenced Washington to an addtional 3 months, and held the lawyer in contempt!

The Geek On Demand Escort Service of Palm Springs is offering free installation of the new Windows Vista after every “Happy Ending”!

Suspicion of plagarism once again hangs over Presidential candidate, Joe Biden’s head after his stirring, ” I Have A Dream” speech, in Boston last week!

Speaking of Joe Biden, when African-American Barac Obama forgave him for the “insensitive racial remarks” he made, a humbled Biden called Obama, “A credit to the Presidential race!”

When 113 nations blame man for Global Warming, the head of the UN, Kofi Anon, vows to “Find that man and stop him!”

Former Vice-President, Al Gore and talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, both nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, had a fistfight on the steps of the Washington Press club over who is the best qualified to receive the prestigious award.

At the 60th Anniversary of Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip, the Royal couple was given a piece of cake from Queen Victoria’s wedding over 100 years ago. Asked what she thought of the gift, Her Majesty replied, “A little dry…but delicious!”

Rev. Al Sharpton, is faced with a choice of continuing in politics or fronting a tribute band to his late mentor, James Brown. Although he hasn’t formally announced his decision, Sharpton was photographed by the Papparazzi trying on several sequined capes, which probably wouldn’t play well in New Hampshire.

Hillary Clinton gained a few points in the polls today after beating the shit out of her husband for flirting with the “French Fry Girl” at McDonalds!

Not to be outdone by the 7 month old panda Mei Land, recently unveiled at the National Zoo in Washington, Kim Jong Il, leader of North Korea, has introduced little Kimba! Not only is he the first panda to be born in captivity in North Korea, but he is also the first biological son of the beloved leader!


Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

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