angelina3.jpg

Angelina Jolie, gently strokes the possible co-star of her next movie, rumored to be “The Naked Truth About Adam And Eve” Wonder what Brad thinks about this steamy picture?

After 83 year old Bob Barker’s tearful farewell on the “Price Is Right”, he drove off with new gal pal Lindsay Lohan, partied all night then took her back to rehab in the morning.

When a reporter asked President Bush if he knew he was wearing one brown shoe and one black shoe, Bush looked down and said, “Of course, I even have another pair like it at home.”

Paris Hilton is making good on her promise to Barbara Walters to stop “acting dumb”. As soon as she is released from jail she begins a ten city tour, lecturing on “How the US can achieve an immediate and lasting peace in the Middle East”

The Secret Service has always given code names to presidential candidates they’re assigned to protect. Hilary Clinton’s code name is “Evergreen”, Barack Obama’s is “Renegade” and Fred Thompson’s code name is “Booger”, but nobody knows why.

Uncle Walt must be spinning in his grave, after Disney films and Pixar announced they are doing an a computer generated animated remake of “Deep Throat”!

Bush daughters, Barbara and Jenna, have joined the contestants vying for the heart of clock wearing rapper, “Flava’ Flav” in the third season of his popular MTV reality show.

Larry Seidlen, the “Crying Judge” in the Anna Nicole Smith Paternity suit has resigned from the bench and is set to star in a new reality show on FOX, “Make The Judge Cry”. Whoever makes the judge cry first, the plaintiff or the defendant…wins their case!

Mike Nifong, the disbarred prosecutor in the Duke rape case, has asked to appeal his case on the new FOX reality show, “Make The Judge Cry”.

To see Hilary and Bill Clinton spoof the finale of the “Sopranos” in her latest campaign ad. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=shKJk3Rph0E

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

For more on Angelina Jolie and my brief, but memorable encounter with her!
https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/10/14/my-brief-encounter-with-angelina-jolie/

Advertisements

planet-tit.jpg

Scientists have discovered A new planet that may be duplicate of Earth, able to sustain and nurture life as we know it! Until an official name is chosen, they’re calling it “Niptune”

After getting the boot on “Dancing With The Stars”, Heather Mills put the boot on and wore it home to a consolation prize of 60 million dollars from her divorce settlement with soon-to-be-ex Paul McCartney!

Former Beverly Hills madame Heidi Fleiss, has dropped out after failing to make the grade at the Socrates School of Philosophy, which only goes to prove “You can lead a whore to culture, but you can’t make her think!”

The real reason Rosie O’Donnell, is leaving “The View”, is that she discovered Barbara Walters has been secretly lacing her stash of Krispy Kreme donuts with Mescaline to keep her behavior erratic and the ratings high!

On a promotional tour in Jaipur, India, Richard Gere’s lips were taken into custody after he kissed Bollywood actress, Shilpa Shetty which is considered obscene if done in public!

Although Spiderman 3 isn’t in the theaters yet, the title is number one in bootleg sales! People who have bought it, however, have been disappointed to find that it’s only a clip of a Mexican midget eating 3 Tarantulas.

Phil Spector sat quietly, as the last juror in his murder trial was sworn in. Then he jumped up unexpectedly and led the court in a rousing version of, “Be My Baby”!

sanjaya_bald1.jpg__halle-berry-01.jpg

Millions of fans wept, as Sanjaya , from”America Idol ” shaved his head to play the brother of a bald Halle Berry, in the new film “Nappily Ever After”

Alanis Morrisette is back with one of the best video parodies on the internet. It’s a cover version of the Black Eyed Peas ‘Lady Lumps”! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZw-8RSyvh8

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

Thanks to Stephen Craig Aristei, Dorothy Parker and Phil X. Milstein for their submissions and to the late Harvey Miller, who helps me every week with this column.

A special thanks to Tracy Morgan, from NBC TV’s “30 Rock”. When Tina Fey questioned him about some dubious information he found online, he proudly replied, ” If It’s On The Internet It, It Has To Be True!”

princecharles.jpg

During their US trip, Prince Charles in a tizzy after losing his wife Camilla in Harlem, fortunately the global positioning chip implanted in her two front teeth, made her rather easy to find!

Tivo, the home recording system, has a new feature called S.O.S. short for Save Our Sanity! As deftly as it it removes commercials from recorded programs, for the next 22 months, Tivo will automatically remove any mention, picture, or campaign ad of any Presidential candidate running for office, until 24 hours before the actual voting begins.

Rapper, Snoop Dog, unveiled his new line of lingerie called, “Britches and Hose”

The Army demonstrated it’s new top secret laser gun designed to stop terrorists without harming them. One blast gives them a sudden case of explosive diarrhea making them fairly easy to find and to capture!

Forrest Whitiker, Golden Globe and SAG winner for Best Actor, as well as Eddie Murphy and Jeniffer Hudson who won for Best Supporting Actor and Actress, have signed on for the comic remake of “Gone With The Wind”. Samuel Jackson to play Rhett Butler, Halle Berry will be Scarlett O’Hara, with Rosie O’Donnell as the wise and lovable,”Mammy”. The $100,000,000 film will have the largest cast of African-Americans assembled since the “Million Man March”!

Les Moonves, President of CBS television, was warned not to give La Toya Jackson a gun and cast her in the reality series, “Armed And Famous”. When the show was cancelled this week, after only four episodes, an irate “armed” Jackson showed up with her often slighted brother Tito and took Moonves hostage until he agrees to put the show back on the air!

Paris Hilton’s box was opened today after not paying storage, and auctioned off. Among the “Booty” they found new naked pictures of Paris, several “explicit “diaries and a slightly used Backstreet Boy!

Rosie O’Donnell had to have Barbara Walters foot surgically removed from her ass, after O’Donnell’s failed attempt to take over “The View” earlier this week.

Although the Sundance Film festival was a rousing success, three of the best films entered in the competition didn’t receive a single vote! It seems that each of the films was rated Quadruple X, which means that under the new MPAA motion picture rating system, absolutely no one of any age is allowed to see it!

“You Deserve A Break Today!” Kevin Federline…You get shit when you don’t work and shit when you do. Here’s an Exclusive Artie Wayne On The Web sneak peek of K-Fed’s Conroversial Superbowl Commercial that will be airing for the first tme on Sunday! http://nationwide.com/nw/featured-ads/index.htm?hpAdClick=teaser

Thanks to Barry Oslander for this remarkable piece!  She will say anything you type. I sure don’t know how they do this! When you move the mouse around, her eyes follow the pointer. When you type something in the left space and then click on “Say it,” she says it!  You can also change persons doing the talking Technology!  Quite amazing!!!!!!! http://www.oddcast.com/home/demos/tts/frameset.php?frame1=talk

Copyright 2007 by Artie  Wayne

Special Thanks to the late Harvey Miller who helps me with this column every week!

 

halfcar2tj01.gif

Although it may be a head turner, the new Chevy “Half Astro”, didn’t get one advance order at the LA Auto Show last week!

In a study by the Institute of Television Standards and Practices, it was revealed that there was an average of 13 acts of violence every hour on Primetime network shows. This survey, of course, didn’t include the Fox network, which usually averages 13 acts of violence before the first commercial on every show…including the cartoons!

Although the 2 day, 4 hour premier of “24” was a ratings smash with 33 million viewers, the show has been abruptly cancelled! It seems that President Bush has issued an executive order to put Jack Bauer in charge of operations in Iraq…effective immediately!

After all the death threats made against acid-tounged “American Idol” judge Simon Cowell, the producers have provided a bodyguard to protect him from Paula Abdul!

The Paparazzi, have all chipped in to hire a Washington lobbyist to promote a law that will prohibit the use of amateurs using cell phone cameras to record Britney Spears, Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan exiting limosines without underwear!

A restraining order has been filed against “The Views”, Rosie O’Donnell by her boss Barbara Walters. Walters claims, that during commercial breaks, O’Donnell threatened to beat her ass…unless she defended her against Donald Trump’s tirades with a smile! It’s reported by an unamed member of her staff that Barbara threw her hands up, said, “Fuck this!” and called her lawyer.

Soccer Superstar, David Beckham, has finally signed a $250,000,000 contract to bring him to the US, after promoters agreed to let his wife Victoria stage a “Spice Girls Reunion” mini-concert before every home game.

After interviewing Golden Globe Winner Jeniffer Hudson, on the Red Carpet Joan Rivers lips exploded from one too many collagen injections and sent half the cast of “Grey’s Anatomy” to the emergency room!

After an intervention by Mo and Barney, Homer Simpson escaped from rehab and has vowed to remain off the wagon for the rest of his life.

The American Film Institute has announced their list of the 100 most inspiring movies. For the second year in a row, “Deep Throat” comes in at number one!

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

b-pussy.jpg

Like everybody else, I was curious about “those” infamous pictures of the most searched name on the web, Britney Spears. So I innocently “Googled” Britney Spears pussy. I was shocked to find this picture on the first page! Is this really Britney’s pussy or somebodys idea of a joke?

Designer Oscar De La Rente, allegedly sold the same red designer evening dress to four women, who wore it to the same Gala at the White House, including First Lady, Laura Bush! De La Rente, was found later that evening, wandering around aimlessly in the White House Rose garden. He was disheveled and mumbled something about four Ninjas, in high heels, who silently beat the shit out of him, while a little black dog in a hockey mask nipped repeatedly at his ankles!

Now you too can smell just like Paris Hilton, by wearing her new fragrance, “Vogue on the Outside…Vague on the Inside.”

Suri, the 7 month old “Scientolgy Wonder Baby”, of Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes not only has learned how to talk, walk and do simple algebra…she’s also learned how to fly!

Kevin Federline and Bobby Brown have taken starring roles in new Fox comedy series, “Assholes Never Take A Day Off”, about two proctolgists who moonlight as lawyers.

19 year old starlet Lindsay Lohan. has been seen around the Big Apple with 80 year old crooner, Tony Bennett. When reminded that having sex with an age difference like theirs could result in death, Tony smiled and said, “If she dies…she dies!”

I guess the human sacrifice worked, Mel Gibson’s film, “Apocalpypto” is number one at the box-office this week!

At least 3 of the people, who are being considered for the new head of the CIA, applied for the job after seeing the agency’s contoversial TV recruitment ads on,”Dancing with the Stars”.

Nicole Ritchie, the 85 pound, co-star of “The Simple Life”, remains at large after she greased herself up with butter and escaped through the bars of the L.A. County Jail, where she was taken after a DUI arrest.

After unexpectedly “outing” singer Clay Aiken and enraging Chinese people everywhere by performing an impromptu, stereotypical impersonation of them, “The View” co-host, and resident loose cannon, Rosie O’Donnell, has been given 3 bodyguards to watch her 24 hours a day. “The View”producers, are afraid she might attempt a hostile takeover of the show while Barbara Walters is away on vacation!

Copyright 2006 by Artie Wayne

To see the uncensored, unedited video of Justin Timberlake’s Dick In A Box https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/20/if-its-on-the-internetits-gotta-be-true-plus-justin-timberlakes-dick-in-a-box/

To see “More” of Britney Spears…click onto https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/01/theres-a-crack-in-a-star-on-hollywood-boulevard-quick-call-your-publicist/

To see the”Most” of Britney Spears…click onto https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/04/exclusive-photos-lindsay-lohan-and-paris-hilton-on-top-of-britney-spears/

Once upon a time a publicist would warn their female clients not to be photographed exiting a car if they weren’t wearing underwear…now they warn them not to be photographed like that unless they shave! We’re living in an era where publicists rule and manipulate our perceptions…usually without us ever knowing it.

Look what happened when Tom Cruise terminated his long time public relations Ace, Pat Kingsley and hired his sister. The wall that had carefully been created around him quickly started to erode, and we saw Tom for the first time in all of his Scientological glory!

Now I have to hand it to Michael Richards for hiring publicist Howard Rubenstein, who has deep ties in the black community, to get him off the hook for using the “N” word against hecklers. Now the ball has been picked up by Rev. Al Sharpton and Rev. Jesse Jackson, who have forgiven Richards and consider his actions just a symptom of a larger social sickness in America. Last week the three unlikely compadres and African- American Congresswoman Maxine Waters called for the word Nigger never to be used again by rappers, filmakers and comedians!

That’s obviously a great idea, pioneered in the 60s by comedian Lenny Bruce in a routine that trivialized the word. A similar concept was embraced and promoted in the 70s by Richard Pryor after a trip to Africa, where he experienced Black pride for the first time. Wait a second…Michael Richards, suddenly is no longer on the hot seat and has become somewhat of a hero! Has he repented enough, or should his skin be chemically darkened then made to live in a Harlem project for a year as penance for his rant? What about the publicist, Howard Rubenstein, who came up with this brilliant scheme? I think he should go to Washington and made chief of staff and paint pretty pictures for us, until we all figure out what’s going on!

IF YOU WANT TO HEAR THE SONG “CRACK IN A STAR ON HOLLYWOOD B’LVD.” CLICK ONTO http://artiewayne.com/crack.html

2011 by Artie Wayne https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/about-artie-wayne/

EXTRA! EXTRA! NOW YOU CAN BUY MY NEW BOOK ,“I DID IT FOR A SONG” AT AMAZON or Barnes & Noble or from Smashwords

TO READ A CHAPTER OR TWO FOR FREE CLICK  HERE

TO READ SOME OF THE COMMENTS  CLICK  HERE

BACK TO ARTIE WAYNE ON THE WEB! https://artiewayne.wordpress.com