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Congratulations to Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson for turning “American Idol”, contestant Sanjaya’s life around with their fantastic instructional DVDs!

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Not everyone, however, is happy with the results!

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If you’re wondering why Simon Cowell, has been so nice recently? “American Idol” producers, tricked him into thinking he was having his teeth cleaned, when actually he was being spayed and neutered!

Now that Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, has brought peace to the Middle East, she’s off to Zimbabwe, vowing to end hunger in Africa by Friday!

The Pope is outraged that Paris Hilton is being considered for the starring role in the “Mother Teresa Story”…the Pope exclaimed, “It’s Lindsay Lohan or nobody!”

Speaking of Paris, now that her new “Home Movie” has been officially released, Fox-TV movie critic Bart Simpson said, “It’s one of the few films I’ve ever seen that sucks and blows at the same time!”

Heather Mills, soon-to-be- ex-wife of Beatle, Paul McCartney, has become one of the top contenders on “Dancing With The Stars”, in spite of only having one leg! Now when called “Yoko Uno” by one of her detractors, she takes off her leg and beats their ass with it!

This morning on, “The View”, Tokyo Rosie O’Donnell proposed a way to deal with the immigration problem and world hunger at the same time! Round ’em up and eat ’em!

Racially insensitive “Shock Jock”Don Imus, has been ordered to join the newly formed “Fair Play”dodge ball team, which includes Anti-Semitic remark making, Mel Gibson and N-Word using comic, Michael Richards. Their first game will be played Saturday on the court of public opinion against the recently maligned Rutgers Women’s basketball team!

“Girls Gone Wild”, head honcho Joe Francis, convicted of photographing drunken, underage girls naked for his popular series, has finally turned himself in after eluding the police for the past week. He will serve time as the only male prisoner in the newly opened “Lorena Bobbit correctional facility for exploited women” Good luck, Joe!

Special thanks to Chet Allen, Richard Kimball and Stephen Craig Aristei for all sending me this video of Mark Volman and Howie Kaylen, of the Turtles explaining how they kept getting screwed in the music business…over and over again!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JHN5HaUg28

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

To hear Sanjaya sing, “You Really Got Me”! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKF6TGQjasE

Now hear him sing “Bathwater” with his now famous “Pony-Hawk”! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Z9tUs8kTgE

See Sanjaya crowned as Miss America!  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GCRKExf_Ksk 

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Officials of the Fox Network have threatened to end “The Simpsons”, the longest running series on television, unless 27 year old Bart agrees to a vasectomy and 25 year old Lisa cancels her Playboy shoot!

Paris Hilton , not the brightest star in the Galaxy, bought a franchise to open a Fridays restaurant. She quickly closed it, however, when she discovered that she couldn’t make a profit being open only one day a week!

Alan Jackson’s latest #1 single is about a man who leaves his wife because she’s surpressing his religious beliefs, it’s called “You Can’t Sit On My Faith Anymore.”

Not to be outdone by the late Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin’s 8 year old daughter, Bindi, who has her own series, Suri Cruise, Tom and Katie’s baby daughter has agreed to play the title role in “Wonder Woman- The beginning”.

When Mischa Barton’s character, “Marissa”, was killed off on “The O.C.”, ratings plummeted! When they brought Barton back this week as “Larissa”, supposedly a clone, the critics all laughed! Taking the unexpected reaction to heart, Fox has started to promote the show as the new comedy hit of the season!

The set of “Happy Feet Two” isn’t too happy these days , after 1000 dancing penguins stopped dancing and went on a march against Equinix studios, when they weren’t permitted to form a union!

Sir Edmond Hillary, 87 year explorer who discovered the South Pole, made a return trip, where he had a tearful reunion with a Polar Bear he raised as a cub on his first visit. When asked how his friend was after all these years, Hillary said, “Delicious!”

A little pussy can only go so far…but sometimes it can go a long way! You might have heard about a cat in the mid-west who hitchhiked 60 miles, but did you hear that Britney Spears, who fell from grace when she lost the Superbowl ad due to her “overexposure”, has landed on her feet and has become the new spokesperson for Purina cat chow?

A secret e-mail from Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, has emerged on the Internet with a “Wish List” for her cabinet after she wins the Presidential election in 2008! When asked, if she really thought she could be a better president than either Hillary Clinton or Condoleeza Rice, Pelosi replied,” Those bitches don’t have a chance…not with the same old song they’ve been singin’!” http://i.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_content/13180/HillaryCondi_HoDown.swf

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

Special thanks to Richard Yannotti for the Pfizer scoop