If It’s On The Internet, It’s Gotta Be True! Lindsay Sniffs, Paris Strips, Rosie Flips!
May 30, 2007
When Rosie O’Donnell, followed Elizabeth Hasselbeck home after their fight on “The View”, it’s fortunate that her husband, Tim Hasselbeck NY Giants Quarterback, answered the door. He was able to hold off Rosie until his wife could change the batteries in her stun gun. Ms. O’Donnell, will be arraigned in court on Monday…on 23 counts of being a bitch.
“Survivor” producer Mark Burnette and Chef Emeril Lagasse, have changed the name of their new show, “Adventures with Road Kill” to “Cooking On A Budget”.
The 28 planets recently discovered have been named after the 7 Dwarfs, Angelina and Madonna’s adopted children, as well as, 15 of Anne Heche’s multiple personalities!
It looks like the hottest show in the UK, “Are You Smarter Than A Monkey?”, won’t be coming to the US, until they find some celebrities who can beat the monkey!
Hugh Hefner, is recovering after taking an accidental overdose of horse Viagra at the Kentucky Derby.
“Dancing With The Stars”, has been having trouble finding celebrities for their show since it was announced that attempted murderess, Amy Fisher and her former lover, “Bad Ass” Joey Butafucco, were signed for next season’s competition.
Lindsay Lohan’s had second thoughts about asking Paris Hilton to be a character witness in her upcoming trial for DUI and possessing cocaine.
“Naked Paris Hilton throws herself on the mercy of the court while a confused Tinkerbell tries to revive her”, is the controversial sculpture that has been removed from the Museum of Modern Art, for exploiting an innocent “bitch” ( referring of course to the dog!)
Lynn Spears, put a shiny gold star on her daughter Britney’s little bald head, as a reward for not doing anything to make the tabloids this week.
Here’s a rare clip of Jay Leno dancing and singing with his sister as a kid. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ICk1Msldu1w
Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne
For more of Lindsay, Paris and Britney https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/04/exclusive-photos-lindsay-lohan-and-paris-hilton-on-top-of-britney-spears/
Thanks to Alan O’Day and Richard Yannotti for their contributions, and to the late Harvey Miller for helping with this column every week.
If It’s On The Internet, It’s Gotta’ Be True! Paula and Randy Secretly Helping Sanjaya!
April 11, 2007
Congratulations to Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson for turning “American Idol”, contestant Sanjaya’s life around with their fantastic instructional DVDs!
Not everyone, however, is happy with the results!
If you’re wondering why Simon Cowell, has been so nice recently? “American Idol” producers, tricked him into thinking he was having his teeth cleaned, when actually he was being spayed and neutered!
Now that Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, has brought peace to the Middle East, she’s off to Zimbabwe, vowing to end hunger in Africa by Friday!
The Pope is outraged that Paris Hilton is being considered for the starring role in the “Mother Teresa Story”…the Pope exclaimed, “It’s Lindsay Lohan or nobody!”
Speaking of Paris, now that her new “Home Movie” has been officially released, Fox-TV movie critic Bart Simpson said, “It’s one of the few films I’ve ever seen that sucks and blows at the same time!”
Heather Mills, soon-to-be- ex-wife of Beatle, Paul McCartney, has become one of the top contenders on “Dancing With The Stars”, in spite of only having one leg! Now when called “Yoko Uno” by one of her detractors, she takes off her leg and beats their ass with it!
This morning on, “The View”, Tokyo Rosie O’Donnell proposed a way to deal with the immigration problem and world hunger at the same time! Round ’em up and eat ’em!
Racially insensitive “Shock Jock”Don Imus, has been ordered to join the newly formed “Fair Play”dodge ball team, which includes Anti-Semitic remark making, Mel Gibson and N-Word using comic, Michael Richards. Their first game will be played Saturday on the court of public opinion against the recently maligned Rutgers Women’s basketball team!
“Girls Gone Wild”, head honcho Joe Francis, convicted of photographing drunken, underage girls naked for his popular series, has finally turned himself in after eluding the police for the past week. He will serve time as the only male prisoner in the newly opened “Lorena Bobbit correctional facility for exploited women” Good luck, Joe!
Special thanks to Chet Allen, Richard Kimball and Stephen Craig Aristei for all sending me this video of Mark Volman and Howie Kaylen, of the Turtles explaining how they kept getting screwed in the music business…over and over again!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JHN5HaUg28
Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne
To hear Sanjaya sing, “You Really Got Me”! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKF6TGQjasE
Now hear him sing “Bathwater” with his now famous “Pony-Hawk”! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Z9tUs8kTgE
See Sanjaya crowned as Miss America! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GCRKExf_Ksk
If It’s On The Internet, It’s Gotta’ Be True! Exclusive! The Easter Bunny Strikes Back!
April 4, 2007
First they marched in, “March Of The Penguins”…then they danced in, “Happy Feet”…now penguins are revolting against Al Gore, who has been blaming their flatulence for Global Warming!
Simon Cowell, said he’d quit “American Idol” if 17 year old Sanjaya Malaka wins the competition! Now millions of Sanjayas’ fans are sending Cowell homemade signs that say, “Will Judge For Food.”
When the new miss USA, Rachel Renee Smith cleared her throat at an LA press luncheon, a visibly excited pageant owner Donald Trump, ran up behind her and performed the Heimlich maneuver. He was promptly taken into custody and held on charges of attempted rape!
When Ashston Kutcher’s series “Punk’d” was canceled after eight seasons on MTV, 126 celebrity guests, who were the butt of his practical jokes, returned for the last taping to beat the shit out of him!
At the Nickelodeon awards, instead of being “slimed”, Barney the Dinosaur had a vat of sulphuric acid poured over him by mistake! So far, nobody has complained.
Paris Hilton, prepared to go to jail for 90 days for violating probation, by packing 12 suitcases of clothes, 36 pair of shoes and 2 cases of mouthwash! She was told by authorities that was ridiculous…she wouldn’t need the clothes or the shoes.
A moratorium on jokes about extreme left winger,”Tokyo” Rosie O’Donnell has been declared, until all the hostages she took this morning on the “The View”, have been safely released.
Last week on “Dancing with the Stars”, Heather Mills wowed the crowd and judges alike, in spite of having an artificial leg. This week she dazzled them again, when she strapped on a third leg and did a lively “Texas Three Step!”
Pet owners have been advised not to go to, “Clip, Dip and Clone Pet Groomers” until some minor problems have been worked out.
For years the Easter Bunny watched cute cuddly bunnies and fluffy little chicks, he gave children as presents for Easter, abandoned as they became adults. Now the cotton-tailed philanthropist is going around convincing the public, one person at a time, that isn’t the right thing to do! http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8960964691152966394&q=easter+bunny+goes+crazy&hl=en
Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne
Special thanks to Patti Dahlstrom and Sebastian Prooth
To reach Sebastian Prooth http://sebrt.com
Time-Warner Cable Horribly Out Of Sync!
March 28, 2007
Warner-Cable has been sending many shows from ABC-TV to their cable subscribers slightly out of sync for the past several weeks! The sound is slightly ahead of the picture which can drive you crazy after a while. The discrepancy doesn’t matter much when Rosie O’Donnell is ranting on “The View”, but it made a hell of a lot of difference last night when everyone on “Dancing With The Stars”, seemed to be off on their every move!
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I like to have my sound and my picture at the same time. Ever since Time-Warner bought Adelphia, I’ve been having problems…and not just technical difficulties…which I refuse to stand by for! They dropped several of my favorite music channels, CMT and MTV2 from basic cable and made them available only in a premium package. Since the company hasn’t made a deal with the CW, I’m forced to miss “Smallville”, “Everybody Hates Chris” and “Veronica Mars”.
When I called Time-Warner customer service rep and got an unsympathetic response, I said, “Maybe it’s time to get a satellite dish.” He said arrogantly, “Maybe it is.”
Well, MAYBE IT IS!!! Am I the only one having problems like this?
When animal activists said, ” Knut the abandoned baby polar bear, would be better dead than be raised by humans”…animal lovers came to his rescue! At the Berlin Zoo, fans line up by the thousands to see him give the now famous “Knut Salute” to all of those foolish animal activists!
Last night when people tuned in to “Dancing with the Stars” to see if “the leg would fall off”, they weren’t disappointed! They were surprised , however, that it was host’s Tom Bergeron’s leg that fell off, not Heather Mills’ as expected.
Yesterday, Al Gore’s “Endangered Species” Luncheon, raised one million dollars to fight global warming! It was also noted that the Whooping Crane soup and American Buffalo steak was especially delicious!
The government of Zimbabwe has warned foreign journalists, “If they continue to report on the alleged brutality in their country, they will have the shit beaten out of them and fed to the hyenas!”
Hugh Hefner’s, “Girls Next Door”, Holly, Bridget and Kendra were arrested at LAX for bringing pornography into the United States! They were released immediately when it was discovered it was only their passport photos.
Additional funding for the Iraq War has become such a battle, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi now shows up for work in camouflage designer suits by Valentino.
There was so much pork added to the bill Congress presented to President Bush, last week, just reading it could give you Trichinosis!
Octogenarian and senior correspondent for “60 Minutes”, Mike Wallace, finally retired after his face cracked and crumbled into dust on last weeks show!
CBS, disappointed with diminishing returns on its Katie Couric investment, is considering cutting its losses, canning her ass and replacing her on the Evening News with veteran newsman, Ryan Seacrest!
If you’re wondering how “American Idol” contestant Sanjaya got his start click onto this exclusive video of him dancing as a child! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ew1q-qSMZ5A
Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne
Special thanks to Phil X. Milstein
If It’s On The Internet, It’s Gotta’ Be True! Exclusive!- Paternity Finally Is Confirmed!
March 20, 2007
DNA tests prove that KISS front man, Gene Simmons is the father of quadruplets!
Speaking of paternity battles, when Anna Nicole Smith’s boy friend, Larry Birkhead told Anna’s lawyer Howard K. Stern to put his DNA where his mouth is, Birkhead was promptly arrested and charged with making an indecent proposal!
In a recent survey, it was revealed that 4 out of 5 Americans are either taking prescription or illegal drugs. It is also noted, that the opening line of a conversation at a bar is no longer “Hey baby, what’s your sign?, but “Hey baby, what are you on?”
When Vice President Dick Cheney, was asked by a reporter if the US obtained the remarkable confessions from Kahlid Sheikh Mohammed by using torture? Cheney turned red and snarled, “If we had him for another day he also would’ve confessed to the Kennedy assassination!”
When Angelina Jolie, clutching her newly adopted 3 year old Vietnamese little boy, was asked by a reporter, “Isn’t he a little old to be breast feeding?”, the little boy turned around and winked!
Diana Ross is still embarrassed about the poor, out of tune performance she gave on “American Idol” last week. A conversation was posted on the internet by a fan who was there with a cell phone, and picked up Simon Cowell, whispering to Paula Abdul that “Diana’s performance was dreadful…sang the wrong song in the wrong key…was pitchey…and lacked originality” A miffed Paula replies, “Don’t you ever have anything positive to say?” at which point Simon says, “OK…her shoes were nice!”
On “Dancing With The Stars”, Heather Mills did a lively foxtrot and was given a score of 6 from each of the judges. When the the audience saw 666, the mark of the beast, half of them crossed themselves and ran out of the studio!
Jury selection has started in the Phil Spector trial and the prosecution has already rejected members of the Crystals and the Ronnettes.
After spending 2 years in prison, Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael, begged for his daughter’s forgiveness…and to be hooked up with her friend, Paris Hilton!
When his application for a visa was denied 3 times for advocating the violent overthrow of the US Government, the President of Iran Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, simply sneaked over the Mexican border and made his scheduled appearance at the UN!
Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne
Special thanks to Richard Yannotti and Chet Allan for their submissions.
If It’s On The Internet, It’s Gotta’ Be True! Sadaam’s Nephew To Head Iraqi Security!
February 28, 2007
Al-Kildamuddah, has become the head of Iraqi security forces. Some say, “HappyDays Are Here Again!”, while others think, “It’s Sadaam Shame!”
“Culture Warrior”Bill O’Reilly, one of the first passengers scanned by the new airport X-Ray machine, was taken into custody after they found a stick up his ass!
There was a mass Tivo malfunction during the Academy Award ceremonies. As soon as the four hour show was over, instead of stopping, Tivo replayed the event from the beginning…over and over again! Millions of people who fell asleep during the boring event…kept waking up and asking, “How many times is Martin Scorsese going to win for best director?”
After winning an Oscar for best documentary on Global Warming and saving energy, Al Gore peddled his bicycle around the corner to a parking lot where his turbo charged, stretch limo waited to take him home to his mansion!
JFK conspiiracy theorists are having a field day since new color footage has emerged of Dealy Plaza on Nov. 22, 1963. There are several frames that show the grassy knoll with a young O.J. Simpson, shoving a nine iron with a telescopic site, into a golf bag!
“Dancing With The Stars”, seems to be scraping the bottom of the Big Dipper for this years line up of b-list celebrity contestants. Heather Mills (soon to be Mrs. Ex-Paul McCartney) was the first to be disqualified after producers discovered she was a professional! It seems that Ms. Mills has been dancing around the truth for years!
A Preist, a Rabbi and a radical Muslim cleric walk into a bar, and are shot by a gay minister, for appearing in a joke too stupid to even finish!
Paris Hilton’s perfume, “Vogue On The Outside, Vague On The Inside”, has been outselling Lindsay Lohan’s “Firecrotch” by a ratio of 69 to 1.
Animal Planet’s newest show, “Animal Idol”, another “American Idol” spinoff, has become the networks biggest hit! Simon Cowell’s cat, Wesley, a judge on the show has been considered to be an even harsher critic than Cowell is.
When an American Idol contestant sucks, it’s no big deal, until pictures show up! http://poponthepop.blogspot.com/2007/02/antonella-barba-naked-pictures.html
Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne
Special thanks to Sharon Link for the picture of Wesley Cowell
Thanks to Don Williams for the expression, “It’s Sadaam shame”
The Food and Drug Administration has issued a warning for consumers to watch out for fake male contraceptive pills that are flooding the market. The real pills don’t have a colorful candy shell with an “M” stamped on the outside!
Paris Hilton was smart to bow out of hosting the Billboard Award show. It wasn’t the first time an award show sucked…but it was the first time anyone ever accused Paris Hilton of being smart.
As predicted weeks ago by Artie Wayne on the Web, U.S. Ambassador to the UN, John Bolton has resigned. His replacement is rumored to be former talk show host and “Dancing with the Stars” contestant, Jerry Springer!
An embarassed Sylvester Stallone, was released from jail this morning after falling asleep, and being accidently locked inside the Smithsonian institute, where other artifacts from the “Rocky” movies are now on exhibit.
Charlie Sheen saved his ex-wife, Denise Richards life today. She ran in to him at the market and he didn’t try to kill her!
The Reverends, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson have teamed up with racist turned civil rights activist, Michael Richards, in a national effort to ban the “N” word. Philanthropists, Bill and Melinda Gates, surprised everyone by buying the copyright to the offensive word and promising to sue anyone who uses it without their written permission!
Comedian (?) Andy Dick, has issued two apologies. The first is for using the “N” word in his act, the second for failing to turn it into a career move like Michael Richards.
The Iraq study group concludes the fastest way to end the war is to call for a “do-over”, and free Sadaam Hussain from custody. President Bush says he’ll consider it…but only if Sadaam promises to be good!
Last night Britney Spears showed up on the Red Carpet, “slightly” dressed in a tiny halter on the top and a Band-aid on the bottom, showing once and for all why she tops the Yahoo most popular seach terms for 2006!
To see Britney- “Crack In A Star On Hollywood Boulevard” Just click
https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/01/theres-a-crack-in-a-star-on-hollywood-boulevard-quick-call-your-publicist/
Copyright 2006 by Artie Wayne
Remember you only have until December 15 th to enter our caption contest and a chance to win a piece of Hand Painted wearable art worth up to $1000! Just click https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/03/win-a-piece-of-wearable-art-worth-1000/
Cheryl Burke and Emmitt Smith
There are a lot of rumors circulating on the internet…let’s see what’s out there this week!
This season’s winner of the “Dancing with the Stars”competition, Emmitt Smith, has signed to star in a new film, an “All Singing, All Dancing” version of his life. Clay Aiken and Michael Jackson have already signed on to play two of his pals from the Dallas Cowboys!
This season’s runner-up, on the popular dance show, Mario Lopez has been granted amnesty by Govenor Arnold Schwartzenegger for performing unauthorized moves on his partner Karina during the competition!
Jerry Springer, former controversial talk show host, instigator, referee, Mayor of Cincinnati, and dance show contestant, has been tapped to replace John J. Bolton as US Ambassador to the UN!
Today, Al Gore celebrates the anniversary of the Internet…which he invented 16 years ago!
The Paris home of Sascha Baron Cohen, the creator and star of “Borat”, is besieged by villagers from Kazakhstan, who are bearing torches! The impoverished group, from the country where the highly succesful film took place, cry out for some more “Bread” for the demeaning roles they were tricked into playing. Cohen’s insensitive girlfriend, is heard to say, “Let them cake”… just before the shit hits the fan!
Last night, George Michael, “Googled” himself and was promptly taken into custody!
Kevin Federline, recently retired rapper K-Fed, now known as Fed-Ex, is allegedly hawking the intimate video he made on his honeymoon with Britney Spears. Gentleman that he is, he claims he’s only using it as audition tape to get his next gig! Look at your watch Kevin, your 15 minues are up!
Is it really over between 60 Minutes’ Andy Rooney and Hollywood bad girl Lindsey Lohan?
Bush goes to Vietnam…as Hell freezes over!
And finally, why wasn’t Scientology founder, L. Ron Hubbard, invited to the Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ wedding?…Because he passed away in 1986 or so we’ve been led to believe!
Copyright 2006 by Artie Wayne
Angelina Jolie is Lara Croft
I found out that I can’t join the CIA, because I’m past retirement age, partially disabled and don’t have a college degree. Shit!! So I decided to do the next best thing. I unselfishly submitted my observations to Geraldo Rivera, the Fox TV investigative reporter, who’s got the power to get the facts behind the story of the Central Intellegence Agency using TV commercials to find new agents on TV shows. For the last ten days I’ve seen the CIA recruitment ads on “Dancing With The Stars” (this week and last week) , “The Simpsons”, and “Mad TV”…and no one in the media has said anything…at least not loud enough for me to hear!
If American Idol can find a Taylor Hicks through their TV recruiting methods, I guess the CIA is allowed find another Jack Ryan through theirs! In fact, the more I think about it the less I think of it as a government conspiracy and more of a pretty clever way to find and attract geeks, Bloggers, Podcasters, video gamers, and those other rebels who think outside the box. This campaign reaches people who otherwise might not seek a career in the CIA, but whose skills might be exactly what the agency is looking for and desperately needs!
Only one question remains, if the CIA was planning this kind of media blitz since January, what was with the Karl Rove scandal and why was the White House leak of a CIA agents name such a big deal?
Artie Wayne On The Web 