Captain Jack Sparrow, left Shrek 3 and Spiderman 3, stranded on the “Island Of Forgotten Icons”, and sailed to number one at the box office with “Pirates Of The Caribbean 3 -At World’s End”!

Now that Paris Hilton’s sentence has been reduced to 23 days, she swallowed hard and said she’s ready to take her punishment. She plans to serve quietly and make good use of her time. She wants to complete her education, and take several courses that will make her eligible to go to high school.

Kenny Chesney, has his 76th number one record in a row! It’s a song about a man who leaves his girl because she’s suppressing his religious beliefs. It’s Called,” You Can’t Sit On My Faith Anymore”

President Bush insisted that James Brown, the “Godfather Of Soul”, attend the state dinner for the Queen of England, even though he passed away 5 months ago. Although he didn’t touch his food and was unusually quiet, Brown received a standing ovation from his fellow guests following dinner, while an aid put a cape around his shoulders and respectfully carried him away!

Alec Baldwin and David Hasselhoff, have signed to star in the new NBC comedy series, “Assholes Never Take A Day Off”. Is it any wonder that NBC is the 4th ranking network?

83 year old, Bob Barker retired host of “The Price Is Right” is speaking out on his romance with 20 year old starlet, Lindsay Lohan. “ I know that there’s a big age difference between us and having sex could result in death, but if she dies…she dies!”

Although Apolo Ohno and Julianne Hough, won the precious mirror ball trophy on “Dancing With The Stars”, it was Homer and Marge Simpson who brought the crowd to it’s feet with their lively quickstep and acrobatic hijinks! Mr. Simpson is expected to be released from the hospital next week.

Donald Trump was set to fire NBC…but NBC fired him first!


Ex-President Jimmy Carter, tried to “make nice” with President Bush, for all the nasty things he said about him last week, and sent him 10 boxes of Jimmy Carter hand grown tomatoes stamped with, “ If it doesn’t have a shit eating grin on it’s face…it’s not a Jimmy Carter!

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

Special thanks to the late Harvey Miller, who helps me with this column every week!

For more on Johnny Depp and the night he showed me his tattoo!

Best of luck to Nigel Goodall on his new book, “The Secret Life Of Johnny Depp” available at all fine bookstores.


While Spiderman was standing at the box office counting the receipts for his latest blockbuster movie, Shrek 3 sneaked up behind him and knocked him out with a two by four, and ran away with the weekend!

At the annual Girl Scouts dinner, Alec Baldwin and David Hasselhoff, had a fistfight over who was more deserving of being “Father Of The Year”

When The Houston Museum Of Natural Science, said they would buy cockroaches for 25 cents apiece to fill a new exhibit, they never expected to shell out 2.2 million dollars. Nor did they expect the board of health to shut them down so quickly!

An international incident was narrowly averted, when Ex-President Bill Clinton was taken into custody before he could grope the Queen, at the Kentucky Derby.

When Chelsea Clinton, asked a returning US Soldier about fear.He said that there were only three things he was afraid of: “Osama, Obama, and Yo’ Mama.”

The Frito Bandito, was arrested yesterday by the authorities when he tried to sneak across the border into the US with 1000 lbs. of salted contraband.

While packing to go to jail, Paris Hilton and her mother were watching the Republican “Mass Debaters” on TV. When it was candidate Mitt Romney’s turn to speak, Paris exclaimed, “He doesn’t sound like a moron!” Her mother smiled and replied, ” I said he was a Mormon…not a moron, dear”

The 65 million dollar lawsuit against a dry cleaners by a Washington D.C. judge for losing a pair of pants, has been thrown out of court! The Supreme court ruled that the suit was ridiculous and no pair of pants is worth more than 60 million dollars!

If you want to see Brooke Shields go viral!

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

Thanks to Phil X. Milstein and Patti Dahlstrom for their submissions and to the late Harvey Miller who helps me with this column every week.