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Isaiah Washington, from “Grey’s Anatomy”, was ordered into counseling for 3 months after he called a castmate a “Faggot”, on the Golden Globes. When Washington’s lawyer tried to convince the court his client was actually calling him, “A pig liver meatball” and displayed a picture he found of the English delicacy on the internet, the outraged judge sentenced Washington to an addtional 3 months, and held the lawyer in contempt!

The Geek On Demand Escort Service of Palm Springs is offering free installation of the new Windows Vista after every “Happy Ending”!

Suspicion of plagarism once again hangs over Presidential candidate, Joe Biden’s head after his stirring, ” I Have A Dream” speech, in Boston last week!

Speaking of Joe Biden, when African-American Barac Obama forgave him for the “insensitive racial remarks” he made, a humbled Biden called Obama, “A credit to the Presidential race!”

When 113 nations blame man for Global Warming, the head of the UN, Kofi Anon, vows to “Find that man and stop him!”

Former Vice-President, Al Gore and talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, both nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, had a fistfight on the steps of the Washington Press club over who is the best qualified to receive the prestigious award.

At the 60th Anniversary of Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip, the Royal couple was given a piece of cake from Queen Victoria’s wedding over 100 years ago. Asked what she thought of the gift, Her Majesty replied, “A little dry…but delicious!”

Rev. Al Sharpton, is faced with a choice of continuing in politics or fronting a tribute band to his late mentor, James Brown. Although he hasn’t formally announced his decision, Sharpton was photographed by the Papparazzi trying on several sequined capes, which probably wouldn’t play well in New Hampshire.

Hillary Clinton gained a few points in the polls today after beating the shit out of her husband for flirting with the “French Fry Girl” at McDonalds!

Not to be outdone by the 7 month old panda Mei Land, recently unveiled at the National Zoo in Washington, Kim Jong Il, leader of North Korea, has introduced little Kimba! Not only is he the first panda to be born in captivity in North Korea, but he is also the first biological son of the beloved leader!

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Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

For “Truth, Entertainment and Bullshit”…It’s Artie Wayne On The Web!

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During their US trip, Prince Charles in a tizzy after losing his wife Camilla in Harlem, fortunately the global positioning chip implanted in her two front teeth, made her rather easy to find!

Tivo, the home recording system, has a new feature called S.O.S. short for Save Our Sanity! As deftly as it it removes commercials from recorded programs, for the next 22 months, Tivo will automatically remove any mention, picture, or campaign ad of any Presidential candidate running for office, until 24 hours before the actual voting begins.

Rapper, Snoop Dog, unveiled his new line of lingerie called, “Britches and Hose”

The Army demonstrated it’s new top secret laser gun designed to stop terrorists without harming them. One blast gives them a sudden case of explosive diarrhea making them fairly easy to find and to capture!

Forrest Whitiker, Golden Globe and SAG winner for Best Actor, as well as Eddie Murphy and Jeniffer Hudson who won for Best Supporting Actor and Actress, have signed on for the comic remake of “Gone With The Wind”. Samuel Jackson to play Rhett Butler, Halle Berry will be Scarlett O’Hara, with Rosie O’Donnell as the wise and lovable,”Mammy”. The $100,000,000 film will have the largest cast of African-Americans assembled since the “Million Man March”!

Les Moonves, President of CBS television, was warned not to give La Toya Jackson a gun and cast her in the reality series, “Armed And Famous”. When the show was cancelled this week, after only four episodes, an irate “armed” Jackson showed up with her often slighted brother Tito and took Moonves hostage until he agrees to put the show back on the air!

Paris Hilton’s box was opened today after not paying storage, and auctioned off. Among the “Booty” they found new naked pictures of Paris, several “explicit “diaries and a slightly used Backstreet Boy!

Rosie O’Donnell had to have Barbara Walters foot surgically removed from her ass, after O’Donnell’s failed attempt to take over “The View” earlier this week.

Although the Sundance Film festival was a rousing success, three of the best films entered in the competition didn’t receive a single vote! It seems that each of the films was rated Quadruple X, which means that under the new MPAA motion picture rating system, absolutely no one of any age is allowed to see it!

“You Deserve A Break Today!” Kevin Federline…You get shit when you don’t work and shit when you do. Here’s an Exclusive Artie Wayne On The Web sneak peek of K-Fed’s Conroversial Superbowl Commercial that will be airing for the first tme on Sunday! http://nationwide.com/nw/featured-ads/index.htm?hpAdClick=teaser

Thanks to Barry Oslander for this remarkable piece!  She will say anything you type. I sure don’t know how they do this! When you move the mouse around, her eyes follow the pointer. When you type something in the left space and then click on “Say it,” she says it!  You can also change persons doing the talking Technology!  Quite amazing!!!!!!! http://www.oddcast.com/home/demos/tts/frameset.php?frame1=talk

Copyright 2007 by Artie  Wayne

Special Thanks to the late Harvey Miller who helps me with this column every week!

 

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Although it may be a head turner, the new Chevy “Half Astro”, didn’t get one advance order at the LA Auto Show last week!

In a study by the Institute of Television Standards and Practices, it was revealed that there was an average of 13 acts of violence every hour on Primetime network shows. This survey, of course, didn’t include the Fox network, which usually averages 13 acts of violence before the first commercial on every show…including the cartoons!

Although the 2 day, 4 hour premier of “24” was a ratings smash with 33 million viewers, the show has been abruptly cancelled! It seems that President Bush has issued an executive order to put Jack Bauer in charge of operations in Iraq…effective immediately!

After all the death threats made against acid-tounged “American Idol” judge Simon Cowell, the producers have provided a bodyguard to protect him from Paula Abdul!

The Paparazzi, have all chipped in to hire a Washington lobbyist to promote a law that will prohibit the use of amateurs using cell phone cameras to record Britney Spears, Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan exiting limosines without underwear!

A restraining order has been filed against “The Views”, Rosie O’Donnell by her boss Barbara Walters. Walters claims, that during commercial breaks, O’Donnell threatened to beat her ass…unless she defended her against Donald Trump’s tirades with a smile! It’s reported by an unamed member of her staff that Barbara threw her hands up, said, “Fuck this!” and called her lawyer.

Soccer Superstar, David Beckham, has finally signed a $250,000,000 contract to bring him to the US, after promoters agreed to let his wife Victoria stage a “Spice Girls Reunion” mini-concert before every home game.

After interviewing Golden Globe Winner Jeniffer Hudson, on the Red Carpet Joan Rivers lips exploded from one too many collagen injections and sent half the cast of “Grey’s Anatomy” to the emergency room!

After an intervention by Mo and Barney, Homer Simpson escaped from rehab and has vowed to remain off the wagon for the rest of his life.

The American Film Institute has announced their list of the 100 most inspiring movies. For the second year in a row, “Deep Throat” comes in at number one!

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne