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During their US trip, Prince Charles in a tizzy after losing his wife Camilla in Harlem, fortunately the global positioning chip implanted in her two front teeth, made her rather easy to find!

Tivo, the home recording system, has a new feature called S.O.S. short for Save Our Sanity! As deftly as it it removes commercials from recorded programs, for the next 22 months, Tivo will automatically remove any mention, picture, or campaign ad of any Presidential candidate running for office, until 24 hours before the actual voting begins.

Rapper, Snoop Dog, unveiled his new line of lingerie called, “Britches and Hose”

The Army demonstrated it’s new top secret laser gun designed to stop terrorists without harming them. One blast gives them a sudden case of explosive diarrhea making them fairly easy to find and to capture!

Forrest Whitiker, Golden Globe and SAG winner for Best Actor, as well as Eddie Murphy and Jeniffer Hudson who won for Best Supporting Actor and Actress, have signed on for the comic remake of “Gone With The Wind”. Samuel Jackson to play Rhett Butler, Halle Berry will be Scarlett O’Hara, with Rosie O’Donnell as the wise and lovable,”Mammy”. The $100,000,000 film will have the largest cast of African-Americans assembled since the “Million Man March”!

Les Moonves, President of CBS television, was warned not to give La Toya Jackson a gun and cast her in the reality series, “Armed And Famous”. When the show was cancelled this week, after only four episodes, an irate “armed” Jackson showed up with her often slighted brother Tito and took Moonves hostage until he agrees to put the show back on the air!

Paris Hilton’s box was opened today after not paying storage, and auctioned off. Among the “Booty” they found new naked pictures of Paris, several “explicit “diaries and a slightly used Backstreet Boy!

Rosie O’Donnell had to have Barbara Walters foot surgically removed from her ass, after O’Donnell’s failed attempt to take over “The View” earlier this week.

Although the Sundance Film festival was a rousing success, three of the best films entered in the competition didn’t receive a single vote! It seems that each of the films was rated Quadruple X, which means that under the new MPAA motion picture rating system, absolutely no one of any age is allowed to see it!

“You Deserve A Break Today!” Kevin Federline…You get shit when you don’t work and shit when you do. Here’s an Exclusive Artie Wayne On The Web sneak peek of K-Fed’s Conroversial Superbowl Commercial that will be airing for the first tme on Sunday! http://nationwide.com/nw/featured-ads/index.htm?hpAdClick=teaser

Thanks to Barry Oslander for this remarkable piece!  She will say anything you type. I sure don’t know how they do this! When you move the mouse around, her eyes follow the pointer. When you type something in the left space and then click on “Say it,” she says it!  You can also change persons doing the talking Technology!  Quite amazing!!!!!!! http://www.oddcast.com/home/demos/tts/frameset.php?frame1=talk

Copyright 2007 by Artie  Wayne

Special Thanks to the late Harvey Miller who helps me with this column every week!

 
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The African baby races in Zambia this week, ended on a sour note. Angelina Jolie, beat the shit out of Madonna when she accused baby Brangelina of steroid use!

Pop Princess, Britney Spears, has agreed to star in the film of the long running “Vagina Monologues”, not only will her vagina finally speak for itself…it will actually sing!

African-American, Samuel L. Jackson, is the biggest movie star in history. He has often been second- or third-billed, or even farther down the credits, but if you just tally the money his films have earned, it adds up to over $3,000,000,000 — more than any other actor in history! Now, he’s set to produce, direct and star in a quirky comedy remake of “Gone With The Wind”. He will play Rhett Butler to Halle Berry’s Scarlett O’Hara. Hillary Duff, will recreate Butterfly McQueen’s, “Prissy”, while Hattie McDaniels’ Academy Award winning part of “Mammy”, will be played by Rosie O’Donnell, who’s said to be slimming down for the part.

Media tributes to the late James Brown continue, but I could’ve done without Robert Goulet singing, “Sex Machine” on the Today show!

The first project that Tom Cruise is expected to greenlight for his new production company is the sequel to “Late Great Planet Earth”, the $100,000,000 plus film that nobody saw! John Travolta, won’t be starring in this Sci-Fi thriller, by the late Scientology founder, L.Ron Hubbard, which is the story of the reincarnation of a great spiritual leader into the body of a little girl. That honor will go to Suri Cruise, precocious daughter of Tom and Katie Cruise, who was created to play the role!

As expected, Mel Gibson and Michael Richards have not only been forgiven by the public for their politically incorrect rants, but have actually been rewarded for their contrition. Mel’s film, “Apocalypto”, debuted at number one at the box office, while “Seinfeld”, the seventh season DVD, co-starring Richards sold 75% more in it’s first week than season 6! Rosie O’Donnel, wasn’t so lucky, however as all of the potential investors for her, “Ching Chow Chong, Chinese fast food restaurant”, suddenly pulled out!

It was revealed today that Osama Bin Laden was captured 3 months ago in Pakistan, and has been residing ever since in the basement of the White House. They’ve been waiting for the most politically advantageous time to announce his capture. President Bush, however, has had second thoughts about bringing Bin Laden to the “State Of The Union Address” on a Leash.

MTV, now being called by some “Empty-V”, from now on will only be playing 3 videos a day. The rest of the programing will consist of infinite variations of the “Real World”

Keefer Sutherland, has signed on for another season as Jack Bauer in Fox TV’s top show. Due to stipulations in his new contract, which call for a shorter work week, the name of the series will be changed from “24” to “19”.

Copyright 2006 by Artie Wayne

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Halle Berry – Die Another Day

During the Cold War The Soviet Union routinely used Psychics and Remote Viewers in their Intellegence program. The United States soon followed suit and created Stargate, which was under the wing of the C.I.A. Ever since I was A teenager I knew I had “Psychic” abilities, as a young man I heard about Stargate, but my dream to become a Rock and Roll star overshadowed everything else. By the time I was ready to join, the program had been discontinued!

Although I’ve reached retirement age, I am clearheaded and as relevant as I ever have been and if anything my “Psychic” abilities are operating on overdrive. I saw the C.I.A. recuitment ads on “Dancing With The Stars”, “The Simpsons”, “Mad TV”, and the Fox local news this past week! As far as my qualifactions go I wrote the following piece for my forthcoming book.

In 1969, on the day of the Moonwalk, I was walking east on New York’s 57th street when I passed one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen walking west. We smiled at each other as we continued in opposite directions. Then a voice inside screamed, “Turn around …go back and talk to her…before she gets away!”

I stopped in my tracks…and as I turned around I saw that she had stopped and turned around also. Although I was customarily blinded by beauty, sex and emotions, this time I sensed a deeper connection. I found out at dinner that Victoria was an actress and a lay student of the mystic. All through that romantic and magical night, when I told her about some of my “Indefinable experiences”, she was able to put a name on them.

As we sat and talked in front of her fireplace, she introduced me to the writings of Edgar Cayce, Ouspensky, and Guerjiev and showed me that I wasn’t alone. Then, when I left in the morning, she gave me a copy of “Damien” by Herman Hesse, and gently kissed me goodbye.

Although I was exhausted I couldn’t put the book down and finished it that day…and thought about Victoria that night. As lay in bed, I felt like I was vibrating…I closed my eyes and visually retraced my steps to her apartment a few blocks away. I felt myself entering her apartment, in between the molecules of her double locked door and floating into her bedroom. As I watched her tossing and turning …my telephone suddenly rang and jarred me back into my own bed.

“Artie…You were just here weren’t you?” Victoria softly muttered, “Let me get some sleep…I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

How could she…? Did I really…? Is it possible that…? Although I had done this sort of thing before in my head…this was the first confirmation I had actually projected myself somewhere and someone was aware of it.

The time we were together over the next few months, I spent a lot of time reading, asking questions, channeling and Astral Projecting. Victoria kept encouraging me to aggressively pursue my own songwriting and singing career instead of representing music of other people, which included many of the “Bubblegum” hits of the day.

Unfortunately, a critically acclaimed album that I made as Shadow Mann for the infamous Morris Levy had just bombed out [mainly because it contained a controversial single “Come and Live with Me”…A radical concept for 1969]. I didn’t know what I wanted to do next…I just knew I didn’t want to do it in New York.

Earlier in the year I made my first trip to California…and felt a deep connection with the people and the music.

After a “Love-In” scheduled for Easter Sunday 1970 in Central Park was cancelled because of snow, I sold my interest in my publishing and administration companies, packed up all my stuff and moved to Hollywood.

I would see Victoria, from time to time when I’d go back for a visit, but lost touch physically over the years. Sometimes I feel her strong presence around me influencing me… I wonder if she has passed over to the other side?

Copyright – 2005 by Artie Wayne

If you haven’t seen the CIA recruitment ad go to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fg4_MuV4MpY

For more information about the CIA go to http://www.cia.gov