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While Spiderman was standing at the box office counting the receipts for his latest blockbuster movie, Shrek 3 sneaked up behind him and knocked him out with a two by four, and ran away with the weekend!

At the annual Girl Scouts dinner, Alec Baldwin and David Hasselhoff, had a fistfight over who was more deserving of being “Father Of The Year”

When The Houston Museum Of Natural Science, said they would buy cockroaches for 25 cents apiece to fill a new exhibit, they never expected to shell out 2.2 million dollars. Nor did they expect the board of health to shut them down so quickly!

An international incident was narrowly averted, when Ex-President Bill Clinton was taken into custody before he could grope the Queen, at the Kentucky Derby.

When Chelsea Clinton, asked a returning US Soldier about fear.He said that there were only three things he was afraid of: “Osama, Obama, and Yo’ Mama.”

The Frito Bandito, was arrested yesterday by the authorities when he tried to sneak across the border into the US with 1000 lbs. of salted contraband.

While packing to go to jail, Paris Hilton and her mother were watching the Republican “Mass Debaters” on TV. When it was candidate Mitt Romney’s turn to speak, Paris exclaimed, “He doesn’t sound like a moron!” Her mother smiled and replied, ” I said he was a Mormon…not a moron, dear”

The 65 million dollar lawsuit against a dry cleaners by a Washington D.C. judge for losing a pair of pants, has been thrown out of court! The Supreme court ruled that the suit was ridiculous and no pair of pants is worth more than 60 million dollars!

If you want to see Brooke Shields go viral!
http://sjl.funnyordie.com/v1/view_video.php?viewkey=d552500a833ac828cd63

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

Thanks to Phil X. Milstein and Patti Dahlstrom for their submissions and to the late Harvey Miller who helps me with this column every week.

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When orphaned twin tigers and twin orangutans were raised together, zoo keepers knew they’d have to separate them before they grew up or face the possibility of one pair eating the other. Apparently, they didn’t separate them fast enough!

Native women in Malawi, Africa wisely hid their children when they heard Madonna was coming to their country for a “little visit”.

Last week, “The Invisible Man Group” made it’s debut at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas. Critics all agreed it was the best musical act they’ve never seen!

Hilary Clinton, is leading in the polls again after it was rumored that she’ll choose “American Idol” contestant, Sanjaya Malakar as her running mate. Sanjaya, however, has denied the rumor! He admits, when he was asked if he’d like to run with Hilary, he thought they were talking about going jogging with Hilary Duff.

Rapper Snoop Dogg, has decided to clean up his act, and sold his interest in the lingerie line, “Britches and Hose” He also eliminated, ‘Nigga”, and all other offensive words from his 3 hour stage show…which now runs at a tight 18 minutes!

Middle class African-American basher, Don Imus, anti-Semitic ranter Mel Gibson, Black-baiting comedian Michael Richards and Homophobic actor Isaiah Washington, had to be treated by a team of paramedics after they were pummeled by the Rutgers Women Basketball team during a charity dodge ball game!

“Girls Gone Wild”, CEO Joe Francis, in jail for photographing naked drunken underage girls escaped from the Lorena Bobbit correctional facility for abused and exploited women. A few hours later, he was found by the local police, claiming he ran away because he was a victim of “Cool and unusual punishment!”

Bristol-Myers’ star, “Speedy” Alka-Seltzer, is out of retirement to team up with Paris Hilton, bringing new meaning to the slogan, “Relief Is Just A Swallow Away!”

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The Who…embark on their latest “Farewell” Tour!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqfFrCUrEbY

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

For more of Paris https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/18/it-looks-like-paris-blows-it-again/

Thanks to Paul Payton for his contribution of the Who tour video.

Thanks to the late Harvey Miller, who helps me with this column every week!

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Although I have no political preferences and consider myself an original thinker…I did breathe a sigh of relief when I heard about Donald Rumsfeld this morning! I’m not sorry I voted for Bush, however, can you imagine where we’d all be if the other asshole had gotten in?

Why couldn’t John Kerry be content with Kazakhstan, the little country, his wife bought him as a consolation prize for losing the election? Why did he shatter our illusions of him with a comeback so lame even David Hasselhoff, on “America’s Got Talent”, would have trouble giving him a thumbs up! You know I’m kinda’ glad there’s been a shake up in Washington. There should be a change of administration every now and then…like a diaper!

As far as Nancy, Condi and Hilary go…I say throw ’em in a large cardboard box and may the best man win! Talk about nasty campaigns…Shit, you don’t have to wait ’til 2008. just click on now to “You Ain’t Woman Enough To Run This Land” http://i.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_content/13180/HillaryCondi_HoDown.swf

Copyright 2006 by Artie Wayne

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After a domestic dispute with Streaker, Whoppy runs away from home. A neighbor brings him back after finding him stuck in his doggie door!

Did you hear that after Madonna bought a little boy in Africa, she stopped off in Mexico to buy a nanny?

Congratulations to Triumph, the insult comic dog, who just became spokesman for Grey Poopon mustard!

Last night, rapper 50 Cents was arrested outside of a Manhattan dance club for allegedly beating his own ass!

Condoleeza Rice and Hilary Clinton are racing up the pop music charts with their first duet, “You Ain’t Woman Enough To Run This Land!” To hear it just click onto http://i.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_content/13180/HillaryCondi_HoDown.swf

Mel Gibson, still repenting for his drunken anti-semetic remarks, is sending out invitations to his own bris! I guess nothing shows sincerity like a circumcision!

Jessica Simpson, reportedly was an hour late for her doctors appointment because she was studying for her blood test!

Construction worker Dick Hertz, tried to return a monkey’s paw he allegedly found in a bowl of chili at a fast food restaurant. He was promptly arrested for fraud when it was discovered that he used up all three wishes that come with the monkey’s paw.

Simon Cowell, has been named as the new host of “The Price is Right” to replace Bob Barker, who is starting to crumble into dust.

Kelly Clarkson is alive and well although she appears in the video, “Rock and Roll Heaven” which is a tribute to dead rock stars. just click onto https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/08/20/rock-and-roll-heaven/

Copyright 2006- by Artie Wayne