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DNA tests prove that KISS front man, Gene Simmons is the father of quadruplets!

Speaking of paternity battles, when Anna Nicole Smith’s boy friend, Larry Birkhead told Anna’s lawyer Howard K. Stern to put his DNA where his mouth is, Birkhead was promptly arrested and charged with making an indecent proposal!

In a recent survey, it was revealed that 4 out of 5 Americans are either taking prescription or illegal drugs. It is also noted, that the opening line of a conversation at a bar is no longer “Hey baby, what’s your sign?, but “Hey baby, what are you on?”

When Vice President Dick Cheney, was asked by a reporter if the US obtained the remarkable confessions from Kahlid Sheikh Mohammed by using torture? Cheney turned red and snarled, “If we had him for another day he also would’ve confessed to the Kennedy assassination!”

When Angelina Jolie, clutching her newly adopted 3 year old Vietnamese little boy, was asked by a reporter, “Isn’t he a little old to be breast feeding?”, the little boy turned around and winked!

Diana Ross is still embarrassed about the poor, out of tune performance she gave on “American Idol” last week. A conversation was posted on the internet by a fan who was there with a cell phone, and picked up Simon Cowell, whispering to Paula Abdul that “Diana’s performance was dreadful…sang the wrong song in the wrong key…was pitchey…and lacked originality” A miffed Paula replies, “Don’t you ever have anything positive to say?” at which point Simon says, “OK…her shoes were nice!”

On “Dancing With The Stars”, Heather Mills did a lively foxtrot and was given a score of 6 from each of the judges. When the the audience saw 666, the mark of the beast, half of them crossed themselves and ran out of the studio!

Jury selection has started in the Phil Spector trial and the prosecution has already rejected members of the Crystals and the Ronnettes.

After spending 2 years in prison, Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael, begged for his daughter’s forgiveness…and to be hooked up with her friend, Paris Hilton!

When his application for a visa was denied 3 times for advocating the violent overthrow of the US Government, the President of Iran Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, simply sneaked over the Mexican border and made his scheduled appearance at the UN!

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

Special thanks to Richard Yannotti and Chet Allan for their submissions.

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Although it may be a head turner, the new Chevy “Half Astro”, didn’t get one advance order at the LA Auto Show last week!

In a study by the Institute of Television Standards and Practices, it was revealed that there was an average of 13 acts of violence every hour on Primetime network shows. This survey, of course, didn’t include the Fox network, which usually averages 13 acts of violence before the first commercial on every show…including the cartoons!

Although the 2 day, 4 hour premier of “24” was a ratings smash with 33 million viewers, the show has been abruptly cancelled! It seems that President Bush has issued an executive order to put Jack Bauer in charge of operations in Iraq…effective immediately!

After all the death threats made against acid-tounged “American Idol” judge Simon Cowell, the producers have provided a bodyguard to protect him from Paula Abdul!

The Paparazzi, have all chipped in to hire a Washington lobbyist to promote a law that will prohibit the use of amateurs using cell phone cameras to record Britney Spears, Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan exiting limosines without underwear!

A restraining order has been filed against “The Views”, Rosie O’Donnell by her boss Barbara Walters. Walters claims, that during commercial breaks, O’Donnell threatened to beat her ass…unless she defended her against Donald Trump’s tirades with a smile! It’s reported by an unamed member of her staff that Barbara threw her hands up, said, “Fuck this!” and called her lawyer.

Soccer Superstar, David Beckham, has finally signed a $250,000,000 contract to bring him to the US, after promoters agreed to let his wife Victoria stage a “Spice Girls Reunion” mini-concert before every home game.

After interviewing Golden Globe Winner Jeniffer Hudson, on the Red Carpet Joan Rivers lips exploded from one too many collagen injections and sent half the cast of “Grey’s Anatomy” to the emergency room!

After an intervention by Mo and Barney, Homer Simpson escaped from rehab and has vowed to remain off the wagon for the rest of his life.

The American Film Institute has announced their list of the 100 most inspiring movies. For the second year in a row, “Deep Throat” comes in at number one!

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

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Binky is horrified after discovering he’s only one pair of chromosomes away from being human!

The world is reeling after a cell phone video released on the internet shows a silver haired Elvis Presley, celebrating his birthday in Brazil with his balding pals, Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison. Can a “Return of the Kings” tour be far behind?

Role model Paris hilton, in an exclusive interview with Entertainment Tonight, admits she’s not promiscuous and only has sex when she’s in a relationship. Later, she confides in People magazine that she had 112 “relationships” in 2006!

At his long awaited press conference today, President Bush, was outraged that the entire press corp laughed when he proposed enlisting the aid of Jedi Warriors and Storm Troopers to help end the war in Iraq. When informed by veteran reporter Helen Thomas that they all were ficticious characters from “Star Wars”, Bush smirked and said, ” Next thing you’ll try to tell me is that Spiderman isn’t real! ”

Shock Jock, Howard Stern just received an 83 million dollar bonus from his bosses at Sirius radio. It’s reported that he gets $100 every time he curses or tells an off color joke.

Several technicians at NASA were fired today after it was revealed that they were using the extreme close-up lens on the Hubble telescope, which circles 380 miles above the earth, to photograph Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan exiting cars in Hollywood!

A team of Iraqi sharpshooters, rifles loaded with silver bullets as well as local villagers armed with wooden stakes, are said to be watching Saddam Hussein’s unmarked grave 24 hours a day…just in case the execution didn’t “take”.

The noxious fumes that hung over New York earlier this week was deemed to be only the fallout from the raging feud between Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell.

Congress has unanimously approved the use of convicted Taliban as human missles. The terrorists, ironically, will have bombs strapped to them and dropped without parachutes over Somalia, to help wipe out their Al Qaeda comrades!

The video of the week submitted by Patti Dahlstrom should give you a smile! http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1734043

Copyright 2006 by Artie Wayne

 

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It looks like Saddam Hussein won’t be able to compete as a contestant on next season’s, “Dancing with the Stars”, due to a prior commitment.

Have Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan taken a “time out”? None of the notorious trio have been drunk, arrested or flashed anyone in over a week!

Kevin Federline, has finally made it! He has been the punchline of 27 % of all the jokes told on the Jay Leno, David Letterman and Jimmy Kimmel shows, since his break-up with Britney Spears was announced.

The Indian tribe, who bought the Hard Rock Cafe chain of restaurants for a billion dollars, has put in an undisclosed bid to purchase New York’s Central Park. The Chief smiled and said, “Eventually we’ll get all of Manhattan back…even if we have to pay a little more than we got for it!”

Why was ex-congressman Mark Foley, in a “homemade” Santa Claus suit, being chased by a bunch of irate elves in Macy’s yesterday?

All the hype in the world couldn’t keep William Shatner’s, “Show Me The Money”, on the air. ABC execs claim, ” Not only were the ratings low…but it was just too shitty to continue.”

Did Donald Trump change his mind about firing, “Miss USA” Tara Conners, because philanthropist and homeless advocate, Hugh Hefner offered the recently evicted, Ms. Connors a safe place to stay and a continuing role on “The Girls Next Door”? What a guy, Hef even told her, she wouldn’t have to sign a morals clause!

Yesterday, stocks on Wall Street reached an all-time high…and so did Willie Nelson!

Was Justin Timberlake serious when he gave his girl friend his “Dick In A Box”, An uncensored , unedited Saturday Night Live Video! For Schizzle…My Nizzle! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dmVU08zVpA

Special thanks to Alan O’Day for finding “Dick In A Box” and not turning it in to the Lost and Found!

Copyright 2006 by Artie Wayne

For more “If It’s On The Internet…It’s Gotta’ Be True!” https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/11/05/if-you-saw-it-on-the-internetthen-you-know-its-gotta-be-true/

Even More “If You Saw It On the Internet…yada, yada, yada” https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/13/if-its-on-the-internetits-gotta-be-true-is-this-really-britney-spears-pussy/

To reach Alan O’Day http://alanoday.com

Justin Timberlake http://www.myspace.com/justintimberlake

Kevin Federline http://whothehellcares.com

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Like everybody else, I was curious about “those” infamous pictures of the most searched name on the web, Britney Spears. So I innocently “Googled” Britney Spears pussy. I was shocked to find this picture on the first page! Is this really Britney’s pussy or somebodys idea of a joke?

Designer Oscar De La Rente, allegedly sold the same red designer evening dress to four women, who wore it to the same Gala at the White House, including First Lady, Laura Bush! De La Rente, was found later that evening, wandering around aimlessly in the White House Rose garden. He was disheveled and mumbled something about four Ninjas, in high heels, who silently beat the shit out of him, while a little black dog in a hockey mask nipped repeatedly at his ankles!

Now you too can smell just like Paris Hilton, by wearing her new fragrance, “Vogue on the Outside…Vague on the Inside.”

Suri, the 7 month old “Scientolgy Wonder Baby”, of Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes not only has learned how to talk, walk and do simple algebra…she’s also learned how to fly!

Kevin Federline and Bobby Brown have taken starring roles in new Fox comedy series, “Assholes Never Take A Day Off”, about two proctolgists who moonlight as lawyers.

19 year old starlet Lindsay Lohan. has been seen around the Big Apple with 80 year old crooner, Tony Bennett. When reminded that having sex with an age difference like theirs could result in death, Tony smiled and said, “If she dies…she dies!”

I guess the human sacrifice worked, Mel Gibson’s film, “Apocalpypto” is number one at the box-office this week!

At least 3 of the people, who are being considered for the new head of the CIA, applied for the job after seeing the agency’s contoversial TV recruitment ads on,”Dancing with the Stars”.

Nicole Ritchie, the 85 pound, co-star of “The Simple Life”, remains at large after she greased herself up with butter and escaped through the bars of the L.A. County Jail, where she was taken after a DUI arrest.

After unexpectedly “outing” singer Clay Aiken and enraging Chinese people everywhere by performing an impromptu, stereotypical impersonation of them, “The View” co-host, and resident loose cannon, Rosie O’Donnell, has been given 3 bodyguards to watch her 24 hours a day. “The View”producers, are afraid she might attempt a hostile takeover of the show while Barbara Walters is away on vacation!

Copyright 2006 by Artie Wayne

To see the uncensored, unedited video of Justin Timberlake’s Dick In A Box https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/20/if-its-on-the-internetits-gotta-be-true-plus-justin-timberlakes-dick-in-a-box/

To see “More” of Britney Spears…click onto https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/01/theres-a-crack-in-a-star-on-hollywood-boulevard-quick-call-your-publicist/

To see the”Most” of Britney Spears…click onto https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/04/exclusive-photos-lindsay-lohan-and-paris-hilton-on-top-of-britney-spears/