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When Rosie O’Donnell, followed Elizabeth Hasselbeck home after their fight on “The View”, it’s fortunate that her husband, Tim Hasselbeck NY Giants Quarterback, answered the door. He was able to hold off Rosie until his wife could change the batteries in her stun gun. Ms. O’Donnell, will be arraigned in court on Monday…on 23 counts of being a bitch.

“Survivor” producer Mark Burnette and Chef Emeril Lagasse, have changed the name of their new show, “Adventures with Road Kill” to “Cooking On A Budget”.

The 28 planets recently discovered have been named after the 7 Dwarfs, Angelina and Madonna’s adopted children, as well as, 15 of Anne Heche’s multiple personalities!

It looks like the hottest show in the UK, “Are You Smarter Than A Monkey?”, won’t be coming to the US, until they find some celebrities who can beat the monkey!

Hugh Hefner, is recovering after taking an accidental  overdose of horse Viagra at the Kentucky Derby.

“Dancing With The Stars”, has been having trouble finding celebrities for their show since it was announced that attempted murderess, Amy Fisher and her former lover, “Bad Ass” Joey Butafucco, were signed for next season’s competition.

Lindsay Lohan’s had second thoughts about asking Paris Hilton to be a character witness in her upcoming trial for DUI and possessing cocaine.

“Naked Paris Hilton throws herself on the mercy of the court while a confused Tinkerbell tries to revive her”, is the controversial sculpture that has been removed from the Museum of Modern Art, for exploiting an innocent “bitch” ( referring of course to the dog!)

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Lynn Spears, put a shiny gold star on her daughter Britney’s little bald head, as a reward for not doing anything to make the tabloids this week.

Here’s a rare clip of Jay Leno dancing and singing with his sister as a kid. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ICk1Msldu1w

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

For more of Lindsay, Paris and Britney https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/04/exclusive-photos-lindsay-lohan-and-paris-hilton-on-top-of-britney-spears/

Thanks to Alan O’Day and Richard Yannotti for their contributions, and to the late Harvey Miller for helping with this column every week.

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The African baby races in Zambia this week, ended on a sour note. Angelina Jolie, beat the shit out of Madonna when she accused baby Brangelina of steroid use!

Pop Princess, Britney Spears, has agreed to star in the film of the long running “Vagina Monologues”, not only will her vagina finally speak for itself…it will actually sing!

African-American, Samuel L. Jackson, is the biggest movie star in history. He has often been second- or third-billed, or even farther down the credits, but if you just tally the money his films have earned, it adds up to over $3,000,000,000 — more than any other actor in history! Now, he’s set to produce, direct and star in a quirky comedy remake of “Gone With The Wind”. He will play Rhett Butler to Halle Berry’s Scarlett O’Hara. Hillary Duff, will recreate Butterfly McQueen’s, “Prissy”, while Hattie McDaniels’ Academy Award winning part of “Mammy”, will be played by Rosie O’Donnell, who’s said to be slimming down for the part.

Media tributes to the late James Brown continue, but I could’ve done without Robert Goulet singing, “Sex Machine” on the Today show!

The first project that Tom Cruise is expected to greenlight for his new production company is the sequel to “Late Great Planet Earth”, the $100,000,000 plus film that nobody saw! John Travolta, won’t be starring in this Sci-Fi thriller, by the late Scientology founder, L.Ron Hubbard, which is the story of the reincarnation of a great spiritual leader into the body of a little girl. That honor will go to Suri Cruise, precocious daughter of Tom and Katie Cruise, who was created to play the role!

As expected, Mel Gibson and Michael Richards have not only been forgiven by the public for their politically incorrect rants, but have actually been rewarded for their contrition. Mel’s film, “Apocalypto”, debuted at number one at the box office, while “Seinfeld”, the seventh season DVD, co-starring Richards sold 75% more in it’s first week than season 6! Rosie O’Donnel, wasn’t so lucky, however as all of the potential investors for her, “Ching Chow Chong, Chinese fast food restaurant”, suddenly pulled out!

It was revealed today that Osama Bin Laden was captured 3 months ago in Pakistan, and has been residing ever since in the basement of the White House. They’ve been waiting for the most politically advantageous time to announce his capture. President Bush, however, has had second thoughts about bringing Bin Laden to the “State Of The Union Address” on a Leash.

MTV, now being called by some “Empty-V”, from now on will only be playing 3 videos a day. The rest of the programing will consist of infinite variations of the “Real World”

Keefer Sutherland, has signed on for another season as Jack Bauer in Fox TV’s top show. Due to stipulations in his new contract, which call for a shorter work week, the name of the series will be changed from “24” to “19”.

Copyright 2006 by Artie Wayne

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Lara Banks, of Atlanta Georgia was eliminated early in the Miss America contest, not because she wasn’t pretty or smart enough, but because she was considered to have one up on everyone else in the the competition!

Darrell Hammond, of Saturday Night Live, is no longer allowed to do impersonations on the show. It seems his statute of imitations has run out!

PHOTOS! FISTFIGHTS BREAK OUT IN CONGRESS!  https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2008/09/27/exclusive-photos-fistfights-erupt-at-washington-economics-meeting-biden-steps-down-hillary-steps-in/Will the old feud between Madonna and Angelina Jolie rear it’s ugly head when the African Baby races begin next week in Zambia?

Ousted Miss Nevada USA, Katie Rees, lost her case in the court of public opinion when Heidi Fleiss, Anna Nicole Smith, and Tonya Harding testified on her behalf!

In a recent survey, 95% of women since the 1950’s admitted to having had pre-marital sex…the other 5% lied!

“Governator” Arnold Schwartzenegger, always eager for a “Photo Op”, gladly broke his leg again as soon as the Paparazzi arrived at the scene of his skiing accident.

Next month CBS debuts the new reality show, “Armed and Famous”, in which celebrities join a real police department in Indiana and are issued badges and guns. Eric Estrada, Trish Stratus, Jack Osborne (Ozzie’s son) and LaToya Jackson’s first assignment is to hunt down Danny Bonaduce.

Bono seems to be taking his recent Knighthood seriously, and plans appear in a full suit of armor at U2’s upcoming New Years Eve concert in Dublin!

What did Justin Timberlake give Cameron Diaz for Christmas? Click in the box http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dmVU08zVpA

Copyright by Artie Wayne

For more “If It’s On The Internet…It’s Gotta’ Be True!” https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/11/05/if-you-saw-it-on-the-internetthen-you-know-its-gotta-be-true/

Even More “If You Saw It On the Internet…yada, yada, yada” https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/13/if-its-on-the-internetits-gotta-be-true-is-this-really-britney-spears-pussy/

To see “More” of Britney Spears…click onto https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/01/theres-a-crack-in-a-star-on-hollywood-boulevard-quick-call-your-publicist/

To see the”Most” of Britney Spears…click onto https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/04/exclusive-photos-lindsay-lohan-and-paris-hilton-on-top-of-britney-spears/

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After a domestic dispute with Streaker, Whoppy runs away from home. A neighbor brings him back after finding him stuck in his doggie door!

Did you hear that after Madonna bought a little boy in Africa, she stopped off in Mexico to buy a nanny?

Congratulations to Triumph, the insult comic dog, who just became spokesman for Grey Poopon mustard!

Last night, rapper 50 Cents was arrested outside of a Manhattan dance club for allegedly beating his own ass!

Condoleeza Rice and Hilary Clinton are racing up the pop music charts with their first duet, “You Ain’t Woman Enough To Run This Land!” To hear it just click onto http://i.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_content/13180/HillaryCondi_HoDown.swf

Mel Gibson, still repenting for his drunken anti-semetic remarks, is sending out invitations to his own bris! I guess nothing shows sincerity like a circumcision!

Jessica Simpson, reportedly was an hour late for her doctors appointment because she was studying for her blood test!

Construction worker Dick Hertz, tried to return a monkey’s paw he allegedly found in a bowl of chili at a fast food restaurant. He was promptly arrested for fraud when it was discovered that he used up all three wishes that come with the monkey’s paw.

Simon Cowell, has been named as the new host of “The Price is Right” to replace Bob Barker, who is starting to crumble into dust.

Kelly Clarkson is alive and well although she appears in the video, “Rock and Roll Heaven” which is a tribute to dead rock stars. just click onto https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/08/20/rock-and-roll-heaven/

Copyright 2006- by Artie Wayne

If you like video game violence…You’ll LOVE, “Album Cover Massacre”!  It’s a bloody tribute to Asia, Madonna, Depeche Mode, Pink Floyd, Weezer, Michael Jackson, Nirvana, Rush, Yes, Madness, Led Zeppelin, Beatles, Green Day, 50 Cents, David Lee Roth, Rolling Stones, Phil Collins, Jane’s Addiction, Roxy Music, Iron Maiden, Tom Petty, Beastie Boys, Dio, Billy Joel, Van Halen, Def Leppard, Rick James, Black flag, Quiet Riot, Lionel Ritchie, Shaun Cassidy, Ozzy Osborne, The Scorpions, B-52s, Night Ranger, Herman’s Hermits, Lou Reed and Metalica.

Thanks to Loni Spector for sending this fun clip by ugly pictures
http://motionographer.com/media/battle_adbands-w.mov