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Presidential hopeful Hilary Clinton admits she’s been possessed with the idea of becoming the President of the United States ever since she was a child. Concerned political rivals, Barack Obama, John McCain, and Rudy Giuliani have intervened and chipped in for an excorcism!

On the first stop of their European tour, when The Dixie Chicks performed at the Vatican, Natalie Maines was outraged when the Pope refused to kiss her ring!

Angelina Jolie and Madonna are cat fighting again! This time it’s over who will portray Mother Teresa in the forthcoming biopic. Jolie wants to take the issue to the UN, while Madonna prefers to take it to Madison Square Garden!

The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, changes name to politically correct, National Association for the Advancement of Colored Persons.

Michael Jackson has been getting $3,500 in Tokyo, for spending 30 seconds with each fan willing to pay the price. Unfortunately, one little boy bounced a check on the “King Of Pop”, and was forced to go back to the US to work off his debt at Jackson’s “Neverland Casino” in Las Vegas!

Jerry Springer, former “Dancing with the Stars” contestant and controversial talk show replaced Regis Philbin on “America’s Got Talent”, when Philbin was allegedly hit in the knees with a wrench by Tonya Harding, and put out of commission!

The verdict is in at the “Scooter” Libby trial. The former chief of staff to Vice President Dick Cheney was found guilty of lying and obstructing the investigation into the 2003 leak of CIA operative Valarie Plame’s identity to reporters. Libby is expected to be sentenced to 30 years in prison, which means he’ll probably do a hundred hours of community service and a stint in rehab…if he isn’t pardoned by President Bush!

NEWS FLASH! A fistfight broke out on the White House lawn between the President and Vice-President Cheney just after the Libby verdict was read! As the two men were being separated, Ann Coulter walks by and phones a story into People magazine about two more politicians coming out of the closet!

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After losing to Binky, on the UK ‘s wildly popular TV show, “Are You Smarter Than A Monkey?”, Prince Charles is still walking around with his hand stuck in a coconut shell! So far, no one has the nerve to tell him that if he lets go of the peanut inside, he’d be able to pull his hand out easily.

When former “American Idol” contestant, Kelly Pickler made an unexpected turn and nearly poked out Ryan Seacrest’s eye with her new breast implants…he took the opportunity to ask about her recent aquisitions. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1nMojmkszI

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

For more on Angelina Jolie and Madonna’s catfight in Africa https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2007/01/02/if-its-on-the-internet-its-gotta-be-true-angelina-and-madonna-cat-fight-in-africa/

For more on Binky https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2007/01/10/if-its-on-the-internet-its-gotta-be-true-2007-elvis-sighting-in-brazil/

For more on Prince Charles https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2007/01/30/if-its-on-the-internet-its-gotta-be-true-exclusive-k-feds-superbowl-ad/

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Diana Ross As Billie Holiday

The following is Part III of Breaking The Motown Sound Barrier Series. If you haven’t read Part I, “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough”, click on to https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/08/14/breaking-the-motown-sound-barrier-aint-no-mountain-high-enough/

If you haven’t read Part II, “What’s Goin’ On?”, click on to https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/09/23/breaking-the-motown-sound-barrier-part-two-in-the-series-whats-goin-on/

Part III

In 1972, Ed Silvers, President of Warner Brothers music was losing his patience with me because he thought I was spending far too much time at Motown. Although I was getting our songs covered by some of their biggest artists, they were only album cuts. Ed was convinced that I would never get a single released by them. I didn’t say much, but I had spent over a year infiltrating the company, and I knew it was just a matter of time before I scored big with them!

I started to notice a change at the company when CEO Berry Gordy, Jr. became interested in producing movies. When production costs soared, record production budgets were cut and fewer records were released. I remember hanging out at Motown one day when I ran into producer and song writer, Michael Masser. He played me a song he had written with Ron Miller and produced on Diana Ross, that was being canned again! When he played me “Touch Me In The Morning”, my mouth dropped open! I couldn’t believe such a phenomonal record could be in the can for over a year, but Berry had his own plans for Diana. He and Paramount pictures had started production on “Lady Sings The Blues” and he was determined to make Diana a movie star!

For the first time, I heard complaints from usually loyal employees about all the money that was being wasted on Diana’s film. I heard that Berry had shot a scene for the film using an integrated chorus line at the Cotton Club, which had to be reshot with only Blacks to maintain historical accuracy. This mistake cost $50,000! Athough the record company was still on top, it couldn’t keep absorbing such costs without suffering in the process.

The only new artists who were given the “Motown Push” were the Jackson 5 and Michael Jackson who now was having hits as a single artist. I knew at this point that the only way I could have a chance for a hit with this company was to get a cover by the Jacksons or Michael. There was only one staff writer at Warner Brothers music who could write in a classic R+B style, George Clinton, Jr. ( not the lead singer of Parlement, but the one who later scored the three Austin Powers movies.) The two producers who loved Georges writing the most were Jerry Marcellino and Mel Larson, who just had big hits with 12 year old Michael on “Rockin’ Robin” and “Little Bitty Pretty One”. “Ben”, from the movie of the same name was racing up the charts and Berry Gordy asked each of his producers to start recording new sides with him.

I sat with Jerry and Mel and we talked about what kind of song they should record with Michael. I suggested A Christmas song…one so commercial that it could be the follow up to, “Ben”. When I saw their eyes light up, I told them that George Clinton, Jr. and I had started such a song! When they asked to hear it, I told them we were still working on it ( when in fact we hadn’t even started! ) I couldn’t tell them the title (’cause there wasn’t any!) I did tell them, however, that it was a true story of how my girlfriend left me out in the cold like the last tree in a lot which was left unsold on Christmas eve. They freaked out and said they had to have the finished song by Monday. I said, “No problem”

I called George, who knew nothing about any of this as soon as I got back to my office. He couldn’t believe I’d told them we’d have a finished song to them by monday, when it was friday and we hadn’t even started it! Saturday morning we met at my office, which was on Hollywood Boulevard across from Grauman’s Chinese Theater. It was the middle of summer, about 90 degrees, but we had to get in a Christmas Mood. As I told George my sad story, I started throwing Ivory Snowflakes around the room…and after a few hours we had the verse and chorus of, “Little Christmas Tree”

Little Christmas Tree

words and music by George Clinton, Jr. and Artie Wayne

I watch the snowflakes fall against my window pane

and wonder if you are watching snowflakes too?

I take a walk downtown to where you used to meet me

There’s joy everywhere but all that’s waiting there…is just a

Little Christmas Tree..Lookin’ sorta’ sad and lonely just like me

No one seems to care… They just went away and left him standing there

All alone on Christmas Eve!

Copyright 1972/ 2006 by Warner Brothers Music

On Monday morning George did a piano voice demo, and I got it to Jerry and Mel that afternoon. They loved it so much that they knocked one of their own songs off the date and cut ours on thursday! I was almost in tears when I heard the finished record the following week with the news that it was being considered for the follow-up to “Ben”, which had just hit number one! You can imagine how I felt a few weeks later when Berry decided not put out any follow up to Oscar nominated “Ben”, until the Academy Awards were given out…after Christmas! A few days later I came up with a plan and presented it to Motown. Put 2 albums worth of previously recorded Christmas songs by all of their hit artists along with a new song that Marvin Gaye recorded and of course, Michael Jackson’s, “Little Christmas Tree”. I’m proud to say that “A Motown Christmas” has sold many times platinum over the years…but there was a dark cloud  loomng on the horizon!

( To Be Continued)

Copyright 2006 by Artie Wayne

To hear a sample of Michael Jackson’s, “Little Christmas Tree” from “A Motown Christmas”, just click on to http://www.amazon.com/Motown-Christmas-Various-Artists/dp/B00000JPBZ/sr=1-1/qid=1165772884/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/105-5725259-3053219?ie=UTF8&s=music

You’re In A Coma With MTV!

November 29, 2006

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No, it’s not ex-Congressman Mark Foley about to turn a new Page.. it’s Howdy Doody and “Buffalo” Bob Smith!

I’ve known about the power of television since I was seven years old, and charged other kids five cents to watch “Howdy Doody” at my uncle’s, who had the only set in the neighborhood! I also remember performing in grade school every wednesday at “Show and Tell”, with jokes I learned the previous night from my other uncle, “Uncle Miltie”. In 1956, however, my whole world changed when I saw Elvis Presley on the Ed Sullivan show! Up until then I wanted to become either a nuclear physicist or a clown…now I wanted to ROCK!

Unfortunately, I was a “Rebel Without Applause”, until I performed Conway Twitty’s “It’s Only Make Believe”, at a High School talent show. Now the girls started paying attention to me. I don’t know if it was my Ed “Kookie” Byrnes cool way of talking or my red Elvis jacket, but even the neighborhood gangs started to respect me and would give me a head start before they’d chase me home from school! My role models were high school bon vivant, “Dobie Gillis” and “Love That Bob”Cummings, who portayed a photographer/ playboy. I even sucessfully used many of their characters outrageous “pick-up lines” that me got me close to some of the most beautiful girls in the world!

I was in for a big shock though when I got married and realized that real life wasn’t, “I Love Lucy”, and problems weren’t always solved in a half hour. Unfortunately, we wound up in “Divorce Court”…but fortunately for me, I lost the TV in the settlement! For the next 2 years, my creative abilities and productivity increased significantly. I no longer sat in the front of a tv set and watch negative stories on the news, or look at a sitcom, where the laugh track would tell me where to respond! I read, I bowled, I had actual conversations, and then I moved to Hollywood!

I was General Professional Manager at Viva music for two months before I learned how to drive. I guess I had too much time on my hands, and against my better judgement I bought my first color tv set. I was just like a recovering alcoholic, testing ing himself with just one drink…then craving a half dozen more! All I needed was one more game show, one more made for TV movie or one more talk show then, I’d be able to go to bed.

When it became no longer enough to watch TV…I had to Live TV! I started flirting with sitcom stars I’d run into at the Hollywood market, Anne ( “Honey West”) Francis, Denise ( “Room 222”) Nicholas, have dinner with Yvonne ( “Batgirl”) Craig, go dancing with Linda ( “Happy Days”) Purl or just hang out with Sissy ( “Love American Style”) Spacek. In case there would be trouble at some of the wild parties I went to, I made sure to be around TV tough guys like Michael ( “Streets Of San Francisco” ) Douglas, Bill ( “I Spy”) Cosby, Max ( “Beverly Hillbillies”) Baer and David ( “Kung Fu”) Carradine. It was during this time that I also became friendly with a couple of TV comedy writers who “appropriated” some of my real life stories and used them on “The Bobby Sherman Show”…the adventures of a songwriter! Instead of suing, I settled for a few of my songs to be used on the program.

Then I got bored with TV and all the bullshit that goes along with it, even relegated my set to a little used room in the house. That’s when my career started to flourish at Warner Brothers Music, which had recently bought Viva music. I didn’t pay much attention to television for the next ten years.

Then one day in 1982 I was invited to the launch of a new 24 hour cable music network, called MTV…and that’s when I saw the future! I’d been a fan of Scopitone, a european jukebox that played musical film clips, but I knew it could never succeed in the US because of the “stronghold” American jukebox operators had on the market. I looked at “this” MTV, not just as another place to promote music but as having the potential to become the primary means of delivering music to the masses!

In less than 25 years, MTV not only fufilled the prophecy, but actually helped to change the music itself. In the first few years the network played the ubiquitous videos of English artists, Duran Duran, David Bowie and Phil Collins, Austrailian artists Men At Work and whet the appetite of the American public for more of the same! In addition to music, fashion and slang started to travel around the world at a record pace, but it took Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” album and a near boycott by CBS Records to break the color barrier at the network! Soon Lionel Ritchie and Billy Ocean were being played as much as Blondie and became regular staples of MTV.

For years , the network thrived on it’s legitimate pop content, then something odd happened. There were fewer and fewer music shows aired in favor of reality shows. After the success of “The Real World” ten years ago, the “Reality” floodgates opened. Today when we watch MTV and it’s sister network VHI, we see endless episodes of “Laguna Beach”, where horny teens fuck with each others heads, and “Punk’ed”, where Ashton Kutcher plays practical jokes that would get him an ass kicking in real life! Then we have “Next”, “Breaking Bonaduce”, ” Road Rules”, “Made”, “The Fabulous life of…”, “Flava’ Flav”, “Best Week Ever”, and “Celebrity Deathmatch”. The most obnoxious, though, is “Sweet Sixteen”, which feature rich little bitches-in-training conning their parents out of expensive sweet sixteen parties and lavish presents. It’s a series that’s an argument for an official sanction of corporal punishment!

As far as the music goes, when you can find it, most of the groups have a sameness about them. if you don’t look at the lower left hand corner of the screen you might mistake Panic at the Disco for the Killers, or All American Rejects. It’s just about impossible to tell what rap video you’re watching, since Kanye West, “Diddy”, Lil’ Jon and “Snoop” Dogg appear in almost all of them, as either a guest or a featured artist!.

It seems like most of the artists today are conciously making music to please corporations and music directors who have narrow taste and program for an audience who prefers not to think too far outside their electronic boxes. I’ve read studies on how too much TV eventually overwhelms the viewer and diminishes productivity. I don’t want to be lulled into complacency, so I’ve decided never to watch MTV again…after I see the finale of “Laguna Beach!”

Copyright 2006 by Artie Wayne

If you want to hear a recording that Terry Mace and I wrote and perform called   “You’re in a coma with EMPTY -V” click onto http://artiewayne.com/music/coma.wma

Special thanks to Alan O’Day http://alanoday.com for helping with the re-mix

 

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Cheryl Burke and Emmitt Smith

There are a lot of rumors circulating on the internet…let’s see what’s out there this week!

This season’s winner of the “Dancing with the Stars”competition, Emmitt Smith, has signed to star in a new film, an “All Singing, All Dancing” version of his life. Clay Aiken and Michael Jackson have already signed on to play two of his pals from the Dallas Cowboys!

This season’s runner-up, on the popular dance show, Mario Lopez has been granted amnesty by Govenor Arnold Schwartzenegger for performing unauthorized moves on his partner Karina during the competition!

Jerry Springer, former controversial talk show host, instigator, referee, Mayor of Cincinnati, and dance show contestant, has been tapped to replace John J. Bolton as US Ambassador to the UN!

Today, Al Gore celebrates the anniversary of the Internet…which he invented 16 years ago!

The Paris home of Sascha Baron Cohen, the creator and star of “Borat”, is besieged by villagers from Kazakhstan, who are bearing torches! The impoverished group, from the country where the highly succesful film took place, cry out for some more “Bread” for the demeaning roles they were tricked into playing. Cohen’s insensitive girlfriend, is heard to say, “Let them cake”… just before the shit hits the fan!

Last night, George Michael, “Googled” himself and was promptly taken into custody!

Kevin Federline, recently retired rapper K-Fed, now known as Fed-Ex, is allegedly hawking the intimate video he made on his honeymoon with Britney Spears. Gentleman that he is, he claims he’s only using it as audition tape to get his next gig! Look at your watch Kevin, your 15 minues are up!

Is it really over between 60 Minutes’ Andy Rooney and Hollywood bad girl Lindsey Lohan?

Bush goes to Vietnam…as Hell freezes over!

And finally, why wasn’t Scientology founder, L. Ron Hubbard, invited to the Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ wedding?…Because he passed away in 1986 or so we’ve been led to believe!

Copyright 2006 by Artie Wayne

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“When I was plugging songs in back in New York City, I used to wear a jacket, tie and “good pants” ( not jeans). When I moved to Hollywood in the early ’70s, it was jeans and cowboy boots all the way! Although I do admit to having my jeans tailored and chemically “aged”, and wearing highly polished Fry boots with two inch stacked heels. It was like John Wayne meets “Superfly”

I remember one night I was standing outside the Troubadour bar getting my cool on, when Glenn Frey of the Eagles, walks over to me, looks down at my feet and says, “I don’t believe this shit!” At this point he and Randy Meisner wrestle me to the ground, remove my “sissified” boots and throw them in the middle of traffic on Santa Monica Boulevard! The last thing I remember, was all of us lying there in the street drunk with hysterics…or was it hysterically drunk?

I’d been trying to break the ice with some of David Geffen’s acts for months and this was a good sign. I was General Professional Manager for Warner Brothers Music and we administered the publishing companies of all of David’s artists including, Joni Mitchell, The Eagles, Jackson Browne, Crosby, Stills and Nash, John David Souther and Neil Young.

As any good manager must be, Geffen is relentless in getting the most for his clients, and is always on my case to get more recordings on his artists songs. After the Eagles first album comes out, one my “Warner Raiders”, Bob Stabile, gets B.W. Stevenson to cut “Peaceful Easy Feeling”. B.W. just had a number one hit with “My Maria” and his cover of “Peaceful” becomes formidable competition to the original! Of course I knew why Geffen was freaking out, it’s always more important to have an artist make a hit with their own song than have somebody else do it! It broke my heart, however, when we had to stop the Hollies from recording “Witchy Woman” after they had a number one record “Long Cool Woman ( In A Black Dress)”, but there are millions at stake…not to mention my job!

After I get Michael Jackson to cut Jackson Browne’s, “Doctor My Eyes”, which goes top ten in the UK, things begin to change dramatically. Jackson talks me up to his label mates while my friend, Lita Eliscu, who runs his publicity department, talks me up to Geffen. For about a year David and I have what I like to call an “uneasy truce.”

Then one day I walk down to his office, which is only a block or so east of Warner Bros. Music. I have five copies of the not-yet-released Van Morrison “Moondance” album under my arm and Everybody in David’s office wants a copy! Off the top of my head I offer to give a copy to whoever can name 3 Van Morrison songs. First David’s assistant, Leslie, names 3 songs, she wins an album…then the mail boy names 3, and he wins one too.

At this point, Joni Mitchell walks in and asks what’s going on? I tell her about the contest, she picks up her guitar and plays 3 of Van’s songs and yes…we have another winner!

I see it’s getting late, and as much as I hate to leave, I have to get back to my own office. On the way out of the building I run into Neil Young. He sees the remaining 2 albums under my arm, says he’s a friend of Van’s and asks me to give him one. Unfortunately he’s not able to name even One of Van’s songs, so I say, “Sorry Neil”, explain the rules of the contest and quickly leave!

When I get back to Warner Brothers music, I hear Geffen on the phone yelling at my boss, Ed Silvers. When I explain “A contest is a contest”, Ed smiles, and sends a copy of Van’s album over to Neil!”

 Copyright 2012 by Artie Wayne http://artiewayne.com 

From Wayne’s new book, “I DID IT FOR A SONG” now available at  AMAZON , Barnes & Noble or from Smashwords

TO READ SOME OF THE COMMENTS  CLICK  HERE

BACK TO ARTIE WAYNE ON THE WEB https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/


BACK TO ARTIE WAYNE ON THE WEB https://artiewayne.wordpress.com

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Michael Jackson

At the Tokyo Music Festival in 1974, I was complaining to my new pals, The Jackson 5, that being a song plugger and running a professional department at a major publishing company had me in the office at 7 am and left me little time for me to out dancing at night.

A 12 year old Michael Jackson said in that high voice of his,”Artie…Why don’t you just build a dance floor in your office?” When I got back to Hollywood, Warner Brothers music built me a five foot circular dance floor out of plywood to keep me happy….but it wasn’t long before I left there to run Irving/ Almo Music, where a seven foot mahogany dance floor awaited me!

MICHAEL JACKSON… R.I.P. ROCK IN PERPETUITY! click on to https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2009/06/25/michael-jackson-r-i-p-rock-in-perpetuity/

THE STORY BEHIND MICHAEL JACKSON”S “LITTLE CHRISTMAS TREE” https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2009/06/29/michael-jackson-and-the-story-behind-little-christmas-tree/

LISTEN TO MY LOST MICHAEL JACKSON TRACK FOUND ON YOUTUBE! ! https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2009/07/01/lost-michael-jackson-track-found-on-youtube-touch-the-one-you-love/

THE AMAZING SHIRT I MADE FOR MICHAEL JACKSON!https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2009/07/04/exclusive-the-amazing-shirt-i-made-for-michael-jackson/

EXCLUSIVE! MORE NEW MICHAEL JACKSON TRACKS FOUND! http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2172551/new_michael_jackson_recordings_to_be.html

Copyright 2009 by Artie Wayne

BACK TO ARTIE WAYNE ON THE WEB! https://artiewayne.wordpress.com

If you like video game violence…You’ll LOVE, “Album Cover Massacre”!  It’s a bloody tribute to Asia, Madonna, Depeche Mode, Pink Floyd, Weezer, Michael Jackson, Nirvana, Rush, Yes, Madness, Led Zeppelin, Beatles, Green Day, 50 Cents, David Lee Roth, Rolling Stones, Phil Collins, Jane’s Addiction, Roxy Music, Iron Maiden, Tom Petty, Beastie Boys, Dio, Billy Joel, Van Halen, Def Leppard, Rick James, Black flag, Quiet Riot, Lionel Ritchie, Shaun Cassidy, Ozzy Osborne, The Scorpions, B-52s, Night Ranger, Herman’s Hermits, Lou Reed and Metalica.

Thanks to Loni Spector for sending this fun clip by ugly pictures
http://motionographer.com/media/battle_adbands-w.mov