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The African baby races in Zambia this week, ended on a sour note. Angelina Jolie, beat the shit out of Madonna when she accused baby Brangelina of steroid use!

Pop Princess, Britney Spears, has agreed to star in the film of the long running “Vagina Monologues”, not only will her vagina finally speak for itself…it will actually sing!

African-American, Samuel L. Jackson, is the biggest movie star in history. He has often been second- or third-billed, or even farther down the credits, but if you just tally the money his films have earned, it adds up to over $3,000,000,000 — more than any other actor in history! Now, he’s set to produce, direct and star in a quirky comedy remake of “Gone With The Wind”. He will play Rhett Butler to Halle Berry’s Scarlett O’Hara. Hillary Duff, will recreate Butterfly McQueen’s, “Prissy”, while Hattie McDaniels’ Academy Award winning part of “Mammy”, will be played by Rosie O’Donnell, who’s said to be slimming down for the part.

Media tributes to the late James Brown continue, but I could’ve done without Robert Goulet singing, “Sex Machine” on the Today show!

The first project that Tom Cruise is expected to greenlight for his new production company is the sequel to “Late Great Planet Earth”, the $100,000,000 plus film that nobody saw! John Travolta, won’t be starring in this Sci-Fi thriller, by the late Scientology founder, L.Ron Hubbard, which is the story of the reincarnation of a great spiritual leader into the body of a little girl. That honor will go to Suri Cruise, precocious daughter of Tom and Katie Cruise, who was created to play the role!

As expected, Mel Gibson and Michael Richards have not only been forgiven by the public for their politically incorrect rants, but have actually been rewarded for their contrition. Mel’s film, “Apocalypto”, debuted at number one at the box office, while “Seinfeld”, the seventh season DVD, co-starring Richards sold 75% more in it’s first week than season 6! Rosie O’Donnel, wasn’t so lucky, however as all of the potential investors for her, “Ching Chow Chong, Chinese fast food restaurant”, suddenly pulled out!

It was revealed today that Osama Bin Laden was captured 3 months ago in Pakistan, and has been residing ever since in the basement of the White House. They’ve been waiting for the most politically advantageous time to announce his capture. President Bush, however, has had second thoughts about bringing Bin Laden to the “State Of The Union Address” on a Leash.

MTV, now being called by some “Empty-V”, from now on will only be playing 3 videos a day. The rest of the programing will consist of infinite variations of the “Real World”

Keefer Sutherland, has signed on for another season as Jack Bauer in Fox TV’s top show. Due to stipulations in his new contract, which call for a shorter work week, the name of the series will be changed from “24” to “19”.

Copyright 2006 by Artie Wayne

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The Food and Drug Administration has issued a warning for consumers to watch out for fake male contraceptive pills that are flooding the market. The real pills don’t have a colorful candy shell with an “M” stamped on the outside!

Paris Hilton was smart to bow out of hosting the Billboard Award show. It wasn’t the first time an award show sucked…but it was the first time anyone ever accused Paris Hilton of being smart.

As predicted weeks ago by Artie Wayne on the Web, U.S. Ambassador to the UN, John Bolton has resigned. His replacement is rumored to be former talk show host and “Dancing with the Stars” contestant, Jerry Springer!

An embarassed Sylvester Stallone, was released from jail this morning after falling asleep, and being accidently locked inside the Smithsonian institute, where other artifacts from the “Rocky” movies are now on exhibit.

Charlie Sheen saved his ex-wife, Denise Richards life today. She ran in to him at the market and he didn’t try to kill her!

The Reverends, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson have teamed up with racist turned civil rights activist, Michael Richards, in a national effort to ban the “N” word. Philanthropists, Bill and Melinda Gates, surprised everyone by buying the copyright to the offensive word and promising to sue anyone who uses it without their written permission!

Comedian (?) Andy Dick, has issued two apologies. The first is for using the “N” word in his act, the second for failing to turn it into a career move like Michael Richards.

The Iraq study group concludes the fastest way to end the war is to call for a “do-over”, and free Sadaam Hussain from custody. President Bush says he’ll consider it…but only if Sadaam promises to be good!

Last night Britney Spears showed up on the Red Carpet, “slightly” dressed in a tiny halter on the top and a Band-aid on the bottom, showing once and for all why she tops the Yahoo most popular seach terms for 2006!

To see Britney- “Crack In A Star On Hollywood Boulevard” Just click
https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/01/theres-a-crack-in-a-star-on-hollywood-boulevard-quick-call-your-publicist/

Copyright 2006 by Artie Wayne

Remember you only have until December 15 th to enter our caption contest and a chance to win a piece of Hand Painted wearable art worth up to $1000! Just click https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/03/win-a-piece-of-wearable-art-worth-1000/

Once upon a time a publicist would warn their female clients not to be photographed exiting a car if they weren’t wearing underwear…now they warn them not to be photographed like that unless they shave! We’re living in an era where publicists rule and manipulate our perceptions…usually without us ever knowing it.

Look what happened when Tom Cruise terminated his long time public relations Ace, Pat Kingsley and hired his sister. The wall that had carefully been created around him quickly started to erode, and we saw Tom for the first time in all of his Scientological glory!

Now I have to hand it to Michael Richards for hiring publicist Howard Rubenstein, who has deep ties in the black community, to get him off the hook for using the “N” word against hecklers. Now the ball has been picked up by Rev. Al Sharpton and Rev. Jesse Jackson, who have forgiven Richards and consider his actions just a symptom of a larger social sickness in America. Last week the three unlikely compadres and African- American Congresswoman Maxine Waters called for the word Nigger never to be used again by rappers, filmakers and comedians!

That’s obviously a great idea, pioneered in the 60s by comedian Lenny Bruce in a routine that trivialized the word. A similar concept was embraced and promoted in the 70s by Richard Pryor after a trip to Africa, where he experienced Black pride for the first time. Wait a second…Michael Richards, suddenly is no longer on the hot seat and has become somewhat of a hero! Has he repented enough, or should his skin be chemically darkened then made to live in a Harlem project for a year as penance for his rant? What about the publicist, Howard Rubenstein, who came up with this brilliant scheme? I think he should go to Washington and made chief of staff and paint pretty pictures for us, until we all figure out what’s going on!

IF YOU WANT TO HEAR THE SONG “CRACK IN A STAR ON HOLLYWOOD B’LVD.” CLICK ONTO http://artiewayne.com/crack.html

2011 by Artie Wayne https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/about-artie-wayne/

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