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When animal activists said, ” Knut the abandoned baby polar bear, would be better dead than be raised by humans”…animal lovers came to his rescue! At the Berlin Zoo, fans line up by the thousands to see him give the now famous “Knut Salute” to all of those foolish animal activists!

Last night when people tuned in to “Dancing with the Stars” to see if “the leg would fall off”, they weren’t disappointed! They were surprised , however, that it was host’s Tom Bergeron’s leg that fell off, not Heather Mills’ as expected.

Yesterday, Al Gore’s “Endangered Species” Luncheon, raised one million dollars to fight global warming! It was also noted that the Whooping Crane soup and American Buffalo steak was especially delicious!

The government of Zimbabwe has warned foreign journalists, “If they continue to report on the alleged brutality in their country, they will have the shit beaten out of them and fed to the hyenas!”

Hugh Hefner’s, “Girls Next Door”, Holly, Bridget and Kendra were arrested at LAX for bringing pornography into the United States! They were released immediately when it was discovered it was only their passport photos.

Additional funding for the Iraq War has become such a battle, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi now shows up for work in camouflage designer suits by Valentino.

There was so much pork added to the bill Congress presented to President Bush, last week, just reading it could give you Trichinosis!

Octogenarian and senior correspondent for “60 Minutes”, Mike Wallace, finally retired after his face cracked and crumbled into dust on last weeks show!

CBS, disappointed with diminishing returns on its Katie Couric investment, is considering cutting its losses, canning her ass and replacing her on the Evening News with veteran newsman, Ryan Seacrest!

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If you’re wondering how “American Idol” contestant Sanjaya got his start click onto this exclusive video of him dancing as a child! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ew1q-qSMZ5A

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

Special thanks to Phil X. Milstein

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Officials of the Fox Network have threatened to end “The Simpsons”, the longest running series on television, unless 27 year old Bart agrees to a vasectomy and 25 year old Lisa cancels her Playboy shoot!

Paris Hilton , not the brightest star in the Galaxy, bought a franchise to open a Fridays restaurant. She quickly closed it, however, when she discovered that she couldn’t make a profit being open only one day a week!

Alan Jackson’s latest #1 single is about a man who leaves his wife because she’s surpressing his religious beliefs, it’s called “You Can’t Sit On My Faith Anymore.”

Not to be outdone by the late Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin’s 8 year old daughter, Bindi, who has her own series, Suri Cruise, Tom and Katie’s baby daughter has agreed to play the title role in “Wonder Woman- The beginning”.

When Mischa Barton’s character, “Marissa”, was killed off on “The O.C.”, ratings plummeted! When they brought Barton back this week as “Larissa”, supposedly a clone, the critics all laughed! Taking the unexpected reaction to heart, Fox has started to promote the show as the new comedy hit of the season!

The set of “Happy Feet Two” isn’t too happy these days , after 1000 dancing penguins stopped dancing and went on a march against Equinix studios, when they weren’t permitted to form a union!

Sir Edmond Hillary, 87 year explorer who discovered the South Pole, made a return trip, where he had a tearful reunion with a Polar Bear he raised as a cub on his first visit. When asked how his friend was after all these years, Hillary said, “Delicious!”

A little pussy can only go so far…but sometimes it can go a long way! You might have heard about a cat in the mid-west who hitchhiked 60 miles, but did you hear that Britney Spears, who fell from grace when she lost the Superbowl ad due to her “overexposure”, has landed on her feet and has become the new spokesperson for Purina cat chow?

A secret e-mail from Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, has emerged on the Internet with a “Wish List” for her cabinet after she wins the Presidential election in 2008! When asked, if she really thought she could be a better president than either Hillary Clinton or Condoleeza Rice, Pelosi replied,” Those bitches don’t have a chance…not with the same old song they’ve been singin’!” http://i.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_content/13180/HillaryCondi_HoDown.swf

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

Special thanks to Richard Yannotti for the Pfizer scoop

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Although I have no political preferences and consider myself an original thinker…I did breathe a sigh of relief when I heard about Donald Rumsfeld this morning! I’m not sorry I voted for Bush, however, can you imagine where we’d all be if the other asshole had gotten in?

Why couldn’t John Kerry be content with Kazakhstan, the little country, his wife bought him as a consolation prize for losing the election? Why did he shatter our illusions of him with a comeback so lame even David Hasselhoff, on “America’s Got Talent”, would have trouble giving him a thumbs up! You know I’m kinda’ glad there’s been a shake up in Washington. There should be a change of administration every now and then…like a diaper!

As far as Nancy, Condi and Hilary go…I say throw ’em in a large cardboard box and may the best man win! Talk about nasty campaigns…Shit, you don’t have to wait ’til 2008. just click on now to “You Ain’t Woman Enough To Run This Land” http://i.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_content/13180/HillaryCondi_HoDown.swf

Copyright 2006 by Artie Wayne