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While Spiderman was standing at the box office counting the receipts for his latest blockbuster movie, Shrek 3 sneaked up behind him and knocked him out with a two by four, and ran away with the weekend!

At the annual Girl Scouts dinner, Alec Baldwin and David Hasselhoff, had a fistfight over who was more deserving of being “Father Of The Year”

When The Houston Museum Of Natural Science, said they would buy cockroaches for 25 cents apiece to fill a new exhibit, they never expected to shell out 2.2 million dollars. Nor did they expect the board of health to shut them down so quickly!

An international incident was narrowly averted, when Ex-President Bill Clinton was taken into custody before he could grope the Queen, at the Kentucky Derby.

When Chelsea Clinton, asked a returning US Soldier about fear.He said that there were only three things he was afraid of: “Osama, Obama, and Yo’ Mama.”

The Frito Bandito, was arrested yesterday by the authorities when he tried to sneak across the border into the US with 1000 lbs. of salted contraband.

While packing to go to jail, Paris Hilton and her mother were watching the Republican “Mass Debaters” on TV. When it was candidate Mitt Romney’s turn to speak, Paris exclaimed, “He doesn’t sound like a moron!” Her mother smiled and replied, ” I said he was a Mormon…not a moron, dear”

The 65 million dollar lawsuit against a dry cleaners by a Washington D.C. judge for losing a pair of pants, has been thrown out of court! The Supreme court ruled that the suit was ridiculous and no pair of pants is worth more than 60 million dollars!

If you want to see Brooke Shields go viral!
http://sjl.funnyordie.com/v1/view_video.php?viewkey=d552500a833ac828cd63

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

Thanks to Phil X. Milstein and Patti Dahlstrom for their submissions and to the late Harvey Miller who helps me with this column every week.

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The African baby races in Zambia this week, ended on a sour note. Angelina Jolie, beat the shit out of Madonna when she accused baby Brangelina of steroid use!

Pop Princess, Britney Spears, has agreed to star in the film of the long running “Vagina Monologues”, not only will her vagina finally speak for itself…it will actually sing!

African-American, Samuel L. Jackson, is the biggest movie star in history. He has often been second- or third-billed, or even farther down the credits, but if you just tally the money his films have earned, it adds up to over $3,000,000,000 — more than any other actor in history! Now, he’s set to produce, direct and star in a quirky comedy remake of “Gone With The Wind”. He will play Rhett Butler to Halle Berry’s Scarlett O’Hara. Hillary Duff, will recreate Butterfly McQueen’s, “Prissy”, while Hattie McDaniels’ Academy Award winning part of “Mammy”, will be played by Rosie O’Donnell, who’s said to be slimming down for the part.

Media tributes to the late James Brown continue, but I could’ve done without Robert Goulet singing, “Sex Machine” on the Today show!

The first project that Tom Cruise is expected to greenlight for his new production company is the sequel to “Late Great Planet Earth”, the $100,000,000 plus film that nobody saw! John Travolta, won’t be starring in this Sci-Fi thriller, by the late Scientology founder, L.Ron Hubbard, which is the story of the reincarnation of a great spiritual leader into the body of a little girl. That honor will go to Suri Cruise, precocious daughter of Tom and Katie Cruise, who was created to play the role!

As expected, Mel Gibson and Michael Richards have not only been forgiven by the public for their politically incorrect rants, but have actually been rewarded for their contrition. Mel’s film, “Apocalypto”, debuted at number one at the box office, while “Seinfeld”, the seventh season DVD, co-starring Richards sold 75% more in it’s first week than season 6! Rosie O’Donnel, wasn’t so lucky, however as all of the potential investors for her, “Ching Chow Chong, Chinese fast food restaurant”, suddenly pulled out!

It was revealed today that Osama Bin Laden was captured 3 months ago in Pakistan, and has been residing ever since in the basement of the White House. They’ve been waiting for the most politically advantageous time to announce his capture. President Bush, however, has had second thoughts about bringing Bin Laden to the “State Of The Union Address” on a Leash.

MTV, now being called by some “Empty-V”, from now on will only be playing 3 videos a day. The rest of the programing will consist of infinite variations of the “Real World”

Keefer Sutherland, has signed on for another season as Jack Bauer in Fox TV’s top show. Due to stipulations in his new contract, which call for a shorter work week, the name of the series will be changed from “24” to “19”.

Copyright 2006 by Artie Wayne