First they marched in, “March Of The Penguins”…then they danced in, “Happy Feet”…now penguins are revolting against Al Gore, who has been blaming their flatulence for Global Warming!

Simon Cowell, said he’d quit “American Idol” if 17 year old Sanjaya Malaka wins the competition! Now millions of Sanjayas’ fans are sending Cowell homemade signs that say, “Will Judge For Food.”

When the new miss USA, Rachel Renee Smith cleared her throat at an LA press luncheon, a visibly excited pageant owner Donald Trump, ran up behind her and performed the Heimlich maneuver. He was promptly taken into custody and held on charges of attempted rape!

When Ashston Kutcher’s series “Punk’d” was canceled after eight seasons on MTV, 126 celebrity guests, who were the butt of his practical jokes, returned for the last taping to beat the shit out of him!

At the Nickelodeon awards, instead of being “slimed”, Barney the Dinosaur had a vat of sulphuric acid poured over him by mistake! So far, nobody has complained.

Paris Hilton, prepared to go to jail for 90 days for violating probation, by packing 12 suitcases of clothes, 36 pair of shoes and 2 cases of mouthwash! She was told by authorities that was ridiculous…she wouldn’t need the clothes or the shoes.

A moratorium on jokes about extreme left winger,”Tokyo” Rosie O’Donnell has been declared, until all the hostages she took this morning on the “The View”, have been safely released.

Last week on “Dancing with the Stars”, Heather Mills wowed the crowd and judges alike, in spite of having an artificial leg. This week she dazzled them again, when she strapped on a third leg and did a lively “Texas Three Step!”

Pet owners have been advised not to go to, “Clip, Dip and Clone Pet Groomers” until some minor problems have been worked out.


For years the Easter Bunny watched cute cuddly bunnies and fluffy little chicks, he gave children as presents for Easter, abandoned as they became adults. Now the cotton-tailed philanthropist is going around convincing the public, one person at a time, that isn’t the right thing to do!

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

Special thanks to Patti Dahlstrom and Sebastian Prooth

To reach Sebastian Prooth


This week, photos of the half-boy half-dog emerged on the underground news site currently all that is known about Little Caesar, is he was born in Venezuela and bears a striking resemblence to President Hugo Chavez!

Astronaut/obsessed lover, Lisa Nowak has just signed a million dollar endorsement deal with “Depends”, to promote their new “more absorbent” briefs and tout their new slogan, “Why Trust A Diaper…When You Can Count on Depends?”

In a surprise news conference, Donald Trump announced that he was ending his feud with Rosie O’Donnell. He said , “I want to say I’m sorry…I’m sorry, you’re such a bitch!”, then turned and walked away.

When she walked into Justin Timberlake’s after Grammy party, Paris Hilton looked so stunning, she sucked the air out of the room!

It’s been made official…If you’re half black and half Jewish you’re allowed to use “YO!” and “OY!” in the same sentence.

Former child star, Howdy Doody, has formed an exploritory committee, in a run for the White House. The former victim of abuse has vowed that no one will ever pull his strings again! Supporters seem to be mesmerized by his boyish charm and refreshing honesty, when he says, “I’m one politician who can’t be bought…only rented or leased!”


After a publicity stunt went wrong and caused multiple bomb scares in Boston last week,CEO Jim Samples, “split” from the Cartoon Network to run the Acme Novelty company. “Finally, I can promote anvils, giant hammers and sticks of dynamite, without the FCC breathing down my neck!”

Emboldened by 5 Grammy wins, The Dixie Chicks plan the, “I Told You So Tour!”

Tim Burton’s latest film for Disney, a musical based on the the Hillside Strangler, “Fuck ‘Em If They Can’t Take A Choke”, has been pulled from general release after receiving the dreaded Quadruple XXXX rating from the MPAA! This means that under the new motion picture rating system, absolutely no one of any age is allowed to see it!

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

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