April 11, 2007
Congratulations to Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson for turning “American Idol”, contestant Sanjaya’s life around with their fantastic instructional DVDs!
Not everyone, however, is happy with the results!
If you’re wondering why Simon Cowell, has been so nice recently? “American Idol” producers, tricked him into thinking he was having his teeth cleaned, when actually he was being spayed and neutered!
Now that Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, has brought peace to the Middle East, she’s off to Zimbabwe, vowing to end hunger in Africa by Friday!
The Pope is outraged that Paris Hilton is being considered for the starring role in the “Mother Teresa Story”…the Pope exclaimed, “It’s Lindsay Lohan or nobody!”
Speaking of Paris, now that her new “Home Movie” has been officially released, Fox-TV movie critic Bart Simpson said, “It’s one of the few films I’ve ever seen that sucks and blows at the same time!”
Heather Mills, soon-to-be- ex-wife of Beatle, Paul McCartney, has become one of the top contenders on “Dancing With The Stars”, in spite of only having one leg! Now when called “Yoko Uno” by one of her detractors, she takes off her leg and beats their ass with it!
This morning on, “The View”, Tokyo Rosie O’Donnell proposed a way to deal with the immigration problem and world hunger at the same time! Round ’em up and eat ’em!
Racially insensitive “Shock Jock”Don Imus, has been ordered to join the newly formed “Fair Play”dodge ball team, which includes Anti-Semitic remark making, Mel Gibson and N-Word using comic, Michael Richards. Their first game will be played Saturday on the court of public opinion against the recently maligned Rutgers Women’s basketball team!
“Girls Gone Wild”, head honcho Joe Francis, convicted of photographing drunken, underage girls naked for his popular series, has finally turned himself in after eluding the police for the past week. He will serve time as the only male prisoner in the newly opened “Lorena Bobbit correctional facility for exploited women” Good luck, Joe!
Special thanks to Chet Allen, Richard Kimball and Stephen Craig Aristei for all sending me this video of Mark Volman and Howie Kaylen, of the Turtles explaining how they kept getting screwed in the music business…over and over again!
Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne
To hear Sanjaya sing, “You Really Got Me”! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKF6TGQjasE
Now hear him sing “Bathwater” with his now famous “Pony-Hawk”! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Z9tUs8kTgE
See Sanjaya crowned as Miss America! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GCRKExf_Ksk
March 20, 2007
DNA tests prove that KISS front man, Gene Simmons is the father of quadruplets!
Speaking of paternity battles, when Anna Nicole Smith’s boy friend, Larry Birkhead told Anna’s lawyer Howard K. Stern to put his DNA where his mouth is, Birkhead was promptly arrested and charged with making an indecent proposal!
In a recent survey, it was revealed that 4 out of 5 Americans are either taking prescription or illegal drugs. It is also noted, that the opening line of a conversation at a bar is no longer “Hey baby, what’s your sign?, but “Hey baby, what are you on?”
When Vice President Dick Cheney, was asked by a reporter if the US obtained the remarkable confessions from Kahlid Sheikh Mohammed by using torture? Cheney turned red and snarled, “If we had him for another day he also would’ve confessed to the Kennedy assassination!”
When Angelina Jolie, clutching her newly adopted 3 year old Vietnamese little boy, was asked by a reporter, “Isn’t he a little old to be breast feeding?”, the little boy turned around and winked!
Diana Ross is still embarrassed about the poor, out of tune performance she gave on “American Idol” last week. A conversation was posted on the internet by a fan who was there with a cell phone, and picked up Simon Cowell, whispering to Paula Abdul that “Diana’s performance was dreadful…sang the wrong song in the wrong key…was pitchey…and lacked originality” A miffed Paula replies, “Don’t you ever have anything positive to say?” at which point Simon says, “OK…her shoes were nice!”
On “Dancing With The Stars”, Heather Mills did a lively foxtrot and was given a score of 6 from each of the judges. When the the audience saw 666, the mark of the beast, half of them crossed themselves and ran out of the studio!
Jury selection has started in the Phil Spector trial and the prosecution has already rejected members of the Crystals and the Ronnettes.
After spending 2 years in prison, Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael, begged for his daughter’s forgiveness…and to be hooked up with her friend, Paris Hilton!
When his application for a visa was denied 3 times for advocating the violent overthrow of the US Government, the President of Iran Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, simply sneaked over the Mexican border and made his scheduled appearance at the UN!
Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne
Special thanks to Richard Yannotti and Chet Allan for their submissions.
January 17, 2007
Although it may be a head turner, the new Chevy “Half Astro”, didn’t get one advance order at the LA Auto Show last week!
In a study by the Institute of Television Standards and Practices, it was revealed that there was an average of 13 acts of violence every hour on Primetime network shows. This survey, of course, didn’t include the Fox network, which usually averages 13 acts of violence before the first commercial on every show…including the cartoons!
Although the 2 day, 4 hour premier of “24” was a ratings smash with 33 million viewers, the show has been abruptly cancelled! It seems that President Bush has issued an executive order to put Jack Bauer in charge of operations in Iraq…effective immediately!
After all the death threats made against acid-tounged “American Idol” judge Simon Cowell, the producers have provided a bodyguard to protect him from Paula Abdul!
The Paparazzi, have all chipped in to hire a Washington lobbyist to promote a law that will prohibit the use of amateurs using cell phone cameras to record Britney Spears, Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan exiting limosines without underwear!
A restraining order has been filed against “The Views”, Rosie O’Donnell by her boss Barbara Walters. Walters claims, that during commercial breaks, O’Donnell threatened to beat her ass…unless she defended her against Donald Trump’s tirades with a smile! It’s reported by an unamed member of her staff that Barbara threw her hands up, said, “Fuck this!” and called her lawyer.
Soccer Superstar, David Beckham, has finally signed a $250,000,000 contract to bring him to the US, after promoters agreed to let his wife Victoria stage a “Spice Girls Reunion” mini-concert before every home game.
After interviewing Golden Globe Winner Jeniffer Hudson, on the Red Carpet Joan Rivers lips exploded from one too many collagen injections and sent half the cast of “Grey’s Anatomy” to the emergency room!
After an intervention by Mo and Barney, Homer Simpson escaped from rehab and has vowed to remain off the wagon for the rest of his life.
The American Film Institute has announced their list of the 100 most inspiring movies. For the second year in a row, “Deep Throat” comes in at number one!
Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne