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Although it may be a head turner, the new Chevy “Half Astro”, didn’t get one advance order at the LA Auto Show last week!

In a study by the Institute of Television Standards and Practices, it was revealed that there was an average of 13 acts of violence every hour on Primetime network shows. This survey, of course, didn’t include the Fox network, which usually averages 13 acts of violence before the first commercial on every show…including the cartoons!

Although the 2 day, 4 hour premier of “24” was a ratings smash with 33 million viewers, the show has been abruptly cancelled! It seems that President Bush has issued an executive order to put Jack Bauer in charge of operations in Iraq…effective immediately!

After all the death threats made against acid-tounged “American Idol” judge Simon Cowell, the producers have provided a bodyguard to protect him from Paula Abdul!

The Paparazzi, have all chipped in to hire a Washington lobbyist to promote a law that will prohibit the use of amateurs using cell phone cameras to record Britney Spears, Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan exiting limosines without underwear!

A restraining order has been filed against “The Views”, Rosie O’Donnell by her boss Barbara Walters. Walters claims, that during commercial breaks, O’Donnell threatened to beat her ass…unless she defended her against Donald Trump’s tirades with a smile! It’s reported by an unamed member of her staff that Barbara threw her hands up, said, “Fuck this!” and called her lawyer.

Soccer Superstar, David Beckham, has finally signed a $250,000,000 contract to bring him to the US, after promoters agreed to let his wife Victoria stage a “Spice Girls Reunion” mini-concert before every home game.

After interviewing Golden Globe Winner Jeniffer Hudson, on the Red Carpet Joan Rivers lips exploded from one too many collagen injections and sent half the cast of “Grey’s Anatomy” to the emergency room!

After an intervention by Mo and Barney, Homer Simpson escaped from rehab and has vowed to remain off the wagon for the rest of his life.

The American Film Institute has announced their list of the 100 most inspiring movies. For the second year in a row, “Deep Throat” comes in at number one!

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

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Binky is horrified after discovering he’s only one pair of chromosomes away from being human!

The world is reeling after a cell phone video released on the internet shows a silver haired Elvis Presley, celebrating his birthday in Brazil with his balding pals, Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison. Can a “Return of the Kings” tour be far behind?

Role model Paris hilton, in an exclusive interview with Entertainment Tonight, admits she’s not promiscuous and only has sex when she’s in a relationship. Later, she confides in People magazine that she had 112 “relationships” in 2006!

At his long awaited press conference today, President Bush, was outraged that the entire press corp laughed when he proposed enlisting the aid of Jedi Warriors and Storm Troopers to help end the war in Iraq. When informed by veteran reporter Helen Thomas that they all were ficticious characters from “Star Wars”, Bush smirked and said, ” Next thing you’ll try to tell me is that Spiderman isn’t real! ”

Shock Jock, Howard Stern just received an 83 million dollar bonus from his bosses at Sirius radio. It’s reported that he gets $100 every time he curses or tells an off color joke.

Several technicians at NASA were fired today after it was revealed that they were using the extreme close-up lens on the Hubble telescope, which circles 380 miles above the earth, to photograph Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan exiting cars in Hollywood!

A team of Iraqi sharpshooters, rifles loaded with silver bullets as well as local villagers armed with wooden stakes, are said to be watching Saddam Hussein’s unmarked grave 24 hours a day…just in case the execution didn’t “take”.

The noxious fumes that hung over New York earlier this week was deemed to be only the fallout from the raging feud between Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell.

Congress has unanimously approved the use of convicted Taliban as human missles. The terrorists, ironically, will have bombs strapped to them and dropped without parachutes over Somalia, to help wipe out their Al Qaeda comrades!

The video of the week submitted by Patti Dahlstrom should give you a smile! http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1734043

Copyright 2006 by Artie Wayne

 

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The Food and Drug Administration has issued a warning for consumers to watch out for fake male contraceptive pills that are flooding the market. The real pills don’t have a colorful candy shell with an “M” stamped on the outside!

Paris Hilton was smart to bow out of hosting the Billboard Award show. It wasn’t the first time an award show sucked…but it was the first time anyone ever accused Paris Hilton of being smart.

As predicted weeks ago by Artie Wayne on the Web, U.S. Ambassador to the UN, John Bolton has resigned. His replacement is rumored to be former talk show host and “Dancing with the Stars” contestant, Jerry Springer!

An embarassed Sylvester Stallone, was released from jail this morning after falling asleep, and being accidently locked inside the Smithsonian institute, where other artifacts from the “Rocky” movies are now on exhibit.

Charlie Sheen saved his ex-wife, Denise Richards life today. She ran in to him at the market and he didn’t try to kill her!

The Reverends, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson have teamed up with racist turned civil rights activist, Michael Richards, in a national effort to ban the “N” word. Philanthropists, Bill and Melinda Gates, surprised everyone by buying the copyright to the offensive word and promising to sue anyone who uses it without their written permission!

Comedian (?) Andy Dick, has issued two apologies. The first is for using the “N” word in his act, the second for failing to turn it into a career move like Michael Richards.

The Iraq study group concludes the fastest way to end the war is to call for a “do-over”, and free Sadaam Hussain from custody. President Bush says he’ll consider it…but only if Sadaam promises to be good!

Last night Britney Spears showed up on the Red Carpet, “slightly” dressed in a tiny halter on the top and a Band-aid on the bottom, showing once and for all why she tops the Yahoo most popular seach terms for 2006!

To see Britney- “Crack In A Star On Hollywood Boulevard” Just click
https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/01/theres-a-crack-in-a-star-on-hollywood-boulevard-quick-call-your-publicist/

Copyright 2006 by Artie Wayne

Remember you only have until December 15 th to enter our caption contest and a chance to win a piece of Hand Painted wearable art worth up to $1000! Just click https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/03/win-a-piece-of-wearable-art-worth-1000/

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The Dixie Chicks

When I raved to a couple of friends on how much I liked the recent number one single, “I’m Not Ready To Make Nice” by The Dixie Chicks I didn’t expect to wind up in a political debate! I’m neither a Democrat nor a Republican, but I consider myself an original thinker. I will listen with an open mind…up to a point.

I’m feel blessed to live in America and be able to enjoy freedom of expression as an artist and a writer. I lived through many political witchunts and saw many writers and entertainers careers ruined by accusations that were exaggerated or sometimes even fabricated. When I heard, for myself, Natalie Maines (lead singer of the Chicks) make the comment that the band is “ashamed that the president of the United States is from Texas”, my first reaction was one of horror! How could she say such a thing about our president, in a foreign country at a time of War? I would imagine that such a statement at other times in our country’s history, during time of war, would be tantamount to treason!

When I saw their Radio play, CD sales and sale of concert tickets suffer, I thought it was a shame that the public still couldn’t seperate the Artist and the Art! I actually thought they had suffered enough, but just as I was about to forgive them and put on another cut from their landmark album, one of my friends showed me an article that ran in the Hollywood reporter on Thursday…

 

LOS ANGELES (Hollywood Reporter) – The company distributing a new documentary about the Dixie Chicks has blasted the NBC and CW networks for allegedly refusing to accept a commercial spot for the film, which opens in four theatere on friday.

The film, playing initially in Los Angeles and New York, revolves around the political firestorm stirred up in 2003 when the Dixie Chicks criticized Bush during a concert in London.

The Weinstein Co. distributed documents that appeared to be from NBC’s advertising standards division rejecting the spots and with the handwritten remarks about President Bush.

According to a source, the spot has been cleared for broadcast on CBS, MTV and on local NBC, CW, ABC and Fox affiliates in New York and Los Angeles, as well as on local cable systems, including local spots on Fox News and CNN. The commercial, posted at features footage of Dixie Chicks singer Natalie Maines.

“It’s a sad commentary about the level of fear in our society that a movie about a group of courageous entertainers who were blacklisted for exercising their right of free speech is now itself being blacklisted by corporate America,” said Harvey Weinstein, co-chairman of the Weinstein Co.

After I read this, I shook my head and said to my friends , ” Haven’t we heard enough about this already?” One of my friends chimes in, “Yeah…Let Sleeping Bitches Lie”, while the other friend responds, ” Hold on a second…You ignorent slut!” While the shit is hitting the fan, here at Artie Wayne On The Web, I’d like to hear what all of you think about all of this. You can make your comment at the end of this article…

Everybody’s talking about the word, President Bush, uttered yesterday, to Prime Minister Tony Blair, in an unguarded moment before an open mike. He was asked by a reporter, later in the day, if his off the cuff remark deserved such attention? Bush smiled and said, “What the Fuck?”