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Presidential hopeful Hilary Clinton admits she’s been possessed with the idea of becoming the President of the United States ever since she was a child. Concerned political rivals, Barack Obama, John McCain, and Rudy Giuliani have intervened and chipped in for an excorcism!

On the first stop of their European tour, when The Dixie Chicks performed at the Vatican, Natalie Maines was outraged when the Pope refused to kiss her ring!

Angelina Jolie and Madonna are cat fighting again! This time it’s over who will portray Mother Teresa in the forthcoming biopic. Jolie wants to take the issue to the UN, while Madonna prefers to take it to Madison Square Garden!

The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, changes name to politically correct, National Association for the Advancement of Colored Persons.

Michael Jackson has been getting $3,500 in Tokyo, for spending 30 seconds with each fan willing to pay the price. Unfortunately, one little boy bounced a check on the “King Of Pop”, and was forced to go back to the US to work off his debt at Jackson’s “Neverland Casino” in Las Vegas!

Jerry Springer, former “Dancing with the Stars” contestant and controversial talk show replaced Regis Philbin on “America’s Got Talent”, when Philbin was allegedly hit in the knees with a wrench by Tonya Harding, and put out of commission!

The verdict is in at the “Scooter” Libby trial. The former chief of staff to Vice President Dick Cheney was found guilty of lying and obstructing the investigation into the 2003 leak of CIA operative Valarie Plame’s identity to reporters. Libby is expected to be sentenced to 30 years in prison, which means he’ll probably do a hundred hours of community service and a stint in rehab…if he isn’t pardoned by President Bush!

NEWS FLASH! A fistfight broke out on the White House lawn between the President and Vice-President Cheney just after the Libby verdict was read! As the two men were being separated, Ann Coulter walks by and phones a story into People magazine about two more politicians coming out of the closet!

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After losing to Binky, on the UK ‘s wildly popular TV show, “Are You Smarter Than A Monkey?”, Prince Charles is still walking around with his hand stuck in a coconut shell! So far, no one has the nerve to tell him that if he lets go of the peanut inside, he’d be able to pull his hand out easily.

When former “American Idol” contestant, Kelly Pickler made an unexpected turn and nearly poked out Ryan Seacrest’s eye with her new breast implants…he took the opportunity to ask about her recent aquisitions. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1nMojmkszI

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

For more on Angelina Jolie and Madonna’s catfight in Africa https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2007/01/02/if-its-on-the-internet-its-gotta-be-true-angelina-and-madonna-cat-fight-in-africa/

For more on Binky https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2007/01/10/if-its-on-the-internet-its-gotta-be-true-2007-elvis-sighting-in-brazil/

For more on Prince Charles https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2007/01/30/if-its-on-the-internet-its-gotta-be-true-exclusive-k-feds-superbowl-ad/

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During their US trip, Prince Charles in a tizzy after losing his wife Camilla in Harlem, fortunately the global positioning chip implanted in her two front teeth, made her rather easy to find!

Tivo, the home recording system, has a new feature called S.O.S. short for Save Our Sanity! As deftly as it it removes commercials from recorded programs, for the next 22 months, Tivo will automatically remove any mention, picture, or campaign ad of any Presidential candidate running for office, until 24 hours before the actual voting begins.

Rapper, Snoop Dog, unveiled his new line of lingerie called, “Britches and Hose”

The Army demonstrated it’s new top secret laser gun designed to stop terrorists without harming them. One blast gives them a sudden case of explosive diarrhea making them fairly easy to find and to capture!

Forrest Whitiker, Golden Globe and SAG winner for Best Actor, as well as Eddie Murphy and Jeniffer Hudson who won for Best Supporting Actor and Actress, have signed on for the comic remake of “Gone With The Wind”. Samuel Jackson to play Rhett Butler, Halle Berry will be Scarlett O’Hara, with Rosie O’Donnell as the wise and lovable,”Mammy”. The $100,000,000 film will have the largest cast of African-Americans assembled since the “Million Man March”!

Les Moonves, President of CBS television, was warned not to give La Toya Jackson a gun and cast her in the reality series, “Armed And Famous”. When the show was cancelled this week, after only four episodes, an irate “armed” Jackson showed up with her often slighted brother Tito and took Moonves hostage until he agrees to put the show back on the air!

Paris Hilton’s box was opened today after not paying storage, and auctioned off. Among the “Booty” they found new naked pictures of Paris, several “explicit “diaries and a slightly used Backstreet Boy!

Rosie O’Donnell had to have Barbara Walters foot surgically removed from her ass, after O’Donnell’s failed attempt to take over “The View” earlier this week.

Although the Sundance Film festival was a rousing success, three of the best films entered in the competition didn’t receive a single vote! It seems that each of the films was rated Quadruple X, which means that under the new MPAA motion picture rating system, absolutely no one of any age is allowed to see it!

“You Deserve A Break Today!” Kevin Federline…You get shit when you don’t work and shit when you do. Here’s an Exclusive Artie Wayne On The Web sneak peek of K-Fed’s Conroversial Superbowl Commercial that will be airing for the first tme on Sunday! http://nationwide.com/nw/featured-ads/index.htm?hpAdClick=teaser

Thanks to Barry Oslander for this remarkable piece!  She will say anything you type. I sure don’t know how they do this! When you move the mouse around, her eyes follow the pointer. When you type something in the left space and then click on “Say it,” she says it!  You can also change persons doing the talking Technology!  Quite amazing!!!!!!! http://www.oddcast.com/home/demos/tts/frameset.php?frame1=talk

Copyright 2007 by Artie  Wayne

Special Thanks to the late Harvey Miller who helps me with this column every week!