If It’s On The Internet, It’s Gotta’ Be True! Exclusive!- Paternity Finally Is Confirmed!

DNA tests prove that KISS front man, Gene Simmons is the father of quadruplets!

Speaking of paternity battles, when Anna Nicole Smith’s boy friend, Larry Birkhead told Anna’s lawyer Howard K. Stern to put his DNA where his mouth is, Birkhead was promptly arrested and charged with making an indecent proposal!

In a recent survey, it was revealed that 4 out of 5 Americans are either taking prescription or illegal drugs. It is also noted, that the opening line of a conversation at a bar is no longer “Hey baby, what’s your sign?, but “Hey baby, what are you on?”

When Vice President Dick Cheney, was asked by a reporter if the US obtained the remarkable confessions from Kahlid Sheikh Mohammed by using torture? Cheney turned red and snarled, “If we had him for another day he also would’ve confessed to the Kennedy assassination!”

When Angelina Jolie, clutching her newly adopted 3 year old Vietnamese little boy, was asked by a reporter, “Isn’t he a little old to be breast feeding?”, the little boy turned around and winked!

Diana Ross is still embarrassed about the poor, out of tune performance she gave on “American Idol” last week. A conversation was posted on the internet by a fan who was there with a cell phone, and picked up Simon Cowell, whispering to Paula Abdul that “Diana’s performance was dreadful…sang the wrong song in the wrong key…was pitchey…and lacked originality” A miffed Paula replies, “Don’t you ever have anything positive to say?” at which point Simon says, “OK…her shoes were nice!”

On “Dancing With The Stars”, Heather Mills did a lively foxtrot and was given a score of 6 from each of the judges. When the the audience saw 666, the mark of the beast, half of them crossed themselves and ran out of the studio!

Jury selection has started in the Phil Spector trial and the prosecution has already rejected members of the Crystals and the Ronnettes.

After spending 2 years in prison, Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael, begged for his daughter’s forgiveness…and to be hooked up with her friend, Paris Hilton!

When his application for a visa was denied 3 times for advocating the violent overthrow of the US Government, the President of Iran Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, simply sneaked over the Mexican border and made his scheduled appearance at the UN!

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

Special thanks to Richard Yannotti and Chet Allan for their submissions.

Long Before The World Feared A North Korean Radioactive Bar-B-Q, The World Was “Twistin’ The Night Away”!

Last year I learned how to “Lean Back” from Fat Joe in his Hip-Hop Video. I tried to learn “The Krunk” from Lil John…but I guess I didn’t have enough “Junk in my Trunk” to execute it properly. Then I thought about another time and a simpler dance that everybody could do…The TWIST!! Capitalized not because it was such a great dance…but because it was such a great social equalizer! “The Twist” was written by Hank Ballard and Henry Glover, popularized by Chubby Checker, and made into an international phenomenon by “Jet-Setter”, Zsa Zsa Gabor! It was more than just a cultural phenomenon to me…it was a turning (or should I say, “twisting”) point in my life. Armed with my fake ID (which I made in High School print shop), I’d hit all the clubs in New York and do “The Twist” all night long in the early 60s’.

I was a singer/songwriter, starting to make a name for myself. I was dating Dee Dee Sharp, (“Mashed Potatoes”), which thrust me into the center of the dance universe. I remember going out to dinner with many of her well known friends, including Jerry Butler, Joey Dee, Ronnie and Nedra of the Ronettes, La La from the Crystals and various members of the Crests. Although I was the unknown and poorest of the group, in my shiny dark blue irridescent suit, I did look pretty affluent…and would be the one the waiter would always hand the check to. Fortunately, one of my well heeled dinner companions would grab the sweaty check away from me!

These associations lead me to be put on lists of the Peppermint Lounge, the Apollo theater, the Gold Bug and smaller venues all over the city, where I would bring artists and producers from all over the world. I remember taking Chas Chandler from the Animals, Billy J. Kramer and Gerry Marsden, from Gerry and the Pacemakers his brother Fred, to the Peppermint Lounge, where we saw the Ronettes perform one night. I felt like I was in a scene from the movie, “Don’t Knock The Twist’…The “High School Musical” of it’s day! At one point in the evening, the entire overcrowded room was on their feet. Even the fire marshall was “Twistin’ The Night Away”!

These days I keep looking in vain for a “Twist” night at the Disco. I guess I’ll just rewind my Betamax while I’m looking for my Hula Hoop!