lindsay_lohan-1-just_my_luck.jpg

Now that Britney and Paris, are temporarily out of action, Lindsay Lohan is the most searched name on the web. She also made it to the top of the Maxim Top 100 list and has been voted People’s first “Skank Of The Week!”

EXTRA! EXTRA! LINDSAY LOHAN AND PARIS HILTON ON TOP OF BRITNEY SPEARS! EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS! https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/04/exclusive-photos-lindsay-lohan-and-paris-hilton-on-top-of-britney-spears/

When “Dancing With The Stars” judges deducted one point from Helio and Julianne’s score for being, “Too Sexy”, they dressed and rushed off stage.

After scientists released findings last week that X-rays of of a skull fossil suggest that human ancestors had pea sized brains, it was discovered that they were mistakingly looking at Rosie O’Donnell’s MRI results!

An intern at Bethesda, Md. hospital was arrested yesterday after he tried to slip a “Do not resuscitate” bracelet on Vice-President Cheney, during a routine physical.

EXTRA! EXTRA! KRISTEN BELL BLOWS! EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS! https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/11/12/it-was-women-and-children-firstthe-day-the-bubblegum-bubble-burst/The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours as Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

At the Republican debate in Columbia, South Carolina last night, the 10 “Mass Debaters”, ended the evening by joining hands and singing “Nothing Could Be Finer Than To Be In Carolina”, which the press thought was “cute”. Things turned ugly, however, when Rudy Giuliani did the “Full Monte”!

When a reporter from the National Enquirer, asked Paris Hilton, how she would she define “enough sex”? She smiled and said, “More than anyone ever gets.”

Has anyone noticed the resemblance between “American Idol” finalist, Melinda Doolittle and Shrek 3 which happens to open on Friday? Is it a coincidence or possibly one of cleverest marketing ploys of all time?

melinda_doolittle2.jpgstand-shrek.jpg

Never underestimate the power of the Disney corporation. When Mickey Mouse, their most popular character, was used by Hamas to teach hatred of the West to Mid-Eastern children, Disney sent in their crack anti-copyright infringement SWAT team, to shut them down. In less than 24 hours, not only was the offensive show taken off the air, but the actor playing the mouse turned out to be Osama Bin Laden, and was taken into custody…officially ending the war on terrorism!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lv3dvYhFk_Y

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne


planet-tit.jpg

Scientists have discovered A new planet that may be duplicate of Earth, able to sustain and nurture life as we know it! Until an official name is chosen, they’re calling it “Niptune”

After getting the boot on “Dancing With The Stars”, Heather Mills put the boot on and wore it home to a consolation prize of 60 million dollars from her divorce settlement with soon-to-be-ex Paul McCartney!

Former Beverly Hills madame Heidi Fleiss, has dropped out after failing to make the grade at the Socrates School of Philosophy, which only goes to prove “You can lead a whore to culture, but you can’t make her think!”

The real reason Rosie O’Donnell, is leaving “The View”, is that she discovered Barbara Walters has been secretly lacing her stash of Krispy Kreme donuts with Mescaline to keep her behavior erratic and the ratings high!

On a promotional tour in Jaipur, India, Richard Gere’s lips were taken into custody after he kissed Bollywood actress, Shilpa Shetty which is considered obscene if done in public!

Although Spiderman 3 isn’t in the theaters yet, the title is number one in bootleg sales! People who have bought it, however, have been disappointed to find that it’s only a clip of a Mexican midget eating 3 Tarantulas.

Phil Spector sat quietly, as the last juror in his murder trial was sworn in. Then he jumped up unexpectedly and led the court in a rousing version of, “Be My Baby”!

sanjaya_bald1.jpg__halle-berry-01.jpg

Millions of fans wept, as Sanjaya , from”America Idol ” shaved his head to play the brother of a bald Halle Berry, in the new film “Nappily Ever After”

Alanis Morrisette is back with one of the best video parodies on the internet. It’s a cover version of the Black Eyed Peas ‘Lady Lumps”! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZw-8RSyvh8

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

Thanks to Stephen Craig Aristei, Dorothy Parker and Phil X. Milstein for their submissions and to the late Harvey Miller, who helps me every week with this column.

A special thanks to Tracy Morgan, from NBC TV’s “30 Rock”. When Tina Fey questioned him about some dubious information he found online, he proudly replied, ” If It’s On The Internet It, It Has To Be True!”

Warner-Cable has been sending many shows from ABC-TV to their cable subscribers  slightly out of sync for the past several weeks! The sound is slightly ahead of the picture which can drive you crazy after a while. The discrepancy doesn’t matter much when Rosie O’Donnell is ranting on “The View”, but it made a hell of a lot of difference last night when everyone on “Dancing With The Stars”, seemed to be off on their every move!

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I like to have my sound and my picture at the same time. Ever since Time-Warner bought Adelphia, I’ve been having problems…and not just technical difficulties…which I refuse to stand by for! They dropped several of my favorite music channels, CMT and MTV2 from basic cable and made them available only in a premium package. Since the company hasn’t made a deal with the CW, I’m forced to miss “Smallville”, “Everybody Hates Chris” and “Veronica Mars”.

When I called Time-Warner customer service rep and got an unsympathetic response, I said, “Maybe it’s time to get a satellite dish.” He said arrogantly, “Maybe it is.”

Well, MAYBE IT IS!!! Am I the only one having problems like this?

halfcar2tj01.gif

Although it may be a head turner, the new Chevy “Half Astro”, didn’t get one advance order at the LA Auto Show last week!

In a study by the Institute of Television Standards and Practices, it was revealed that there was an average of 13 acts of violence every hour on Primetime network shows. This survey, of course, didn’t include the Fox network, which usually averages 13 acts of violence before the first commercial on every show…including the cartoons!

Although the 2 day, 4 hour premier of “24” was a ratings smash with 33 million viewers, the show has been abruptly cancelled! It seems that President Bush has issued an executive order to put Jack Bauer in charge of operations in Iraq…effective immediately!

After all the death threats made against acid-tounged “American Idol” judge Simon Cowell, the producers have provided a bodyguard to protect him from Paula Abdul!

The Paparazzi, have all chipped in to hire a Washington lobbyist to promote a law that will prohibit the use of amateurs using cell phone cameras to record Britney Spears, Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan exiting limosines without underwear!

A restraining order has been filed against “The Views”, Rosie O’Donnell by her boss Barbara Walters. Walters claims, that during commercial breaks, O’Donnell threatened to beat her ass…unless she defended her against Donald Trump’s tirades with a smile! It’s reported by an unamed member of her staff that Barbara threw her hands up, said, “Fuck this!” and called her lawyer.

Soccer Superstar, David Beckham, has finally signed a $250,000,000 contract to bring him to the US, after promoters agreed to let his wife Victoria stage a “Spice Girls Reunion” mini-concert before every home game.

After interviewing Golden Globe Winner Jeniffer Hudson, on the Red Carpet Joan Rivers lips exploded from one too many collagen injections and sent half the cast of “Grey’s Anatomy” to the emergency room!

After an intervention by Mo and Barney, Homer Simpson escaped from rehab and has vowed to remain off the wagon for the rest of his life.

The American Film Institute has announced their list of the 100 most inspiring movies. For the second year in a row, “Deep Throat” comes in at number one!

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

russ21.jpg

Binky is horrified after discovering he’s only one pair of chromosomes away from being human!

The world is reeling after a cell phone video released on the internet shows a silver haired Elvis Presley, celebrating his birthday in Brazil with his balding pals, Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison. Can a “Return of the Kings” tour be far behind?

Role model Paris hilton, in an exclusive interview with Entertainment Tonight, admits she’s not promiscuous and only has sex when she’s in a relationship. Later, she confides in People magazine that she had 112 “relationships” in 2006!

At his long awaited press conference today, President Bush, was outraged that the entire press corp laughed when he proposed enlisting the aid of Jedi Warriors and Storm Troopers to help end the war in Iraq. When informed by veteran reporter Helen Thomas that they all were ficticious characters from “Star Wars”, Bush smirked and said, ” Next thing you’ll try to tell me is that Spiderman isn’t real! ”

Shock Jock, Howard Stern just received an 83 million dollar bonus from his bosses at Sirius radio. It’s reported that he gets $100 every time he curses or tells an off color joke.

Several technicians at NASA were fired today after it was revealed that they were using the extreme close-up lens on the Hubble telescope, which circles 380 miles above the earth, to photograph Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan exiting cars in Hollywood!

A team of Iraqi sharpshooters, rifles loaded with silver bullets as well as local villagers armed with wooden stakes, are said to be watching Saddam Hussein’s unmarked grave 24 hours a day…just in case the execution didn’t “take”.

The noxious fumes that hung over New York earlier this week was deemed to be only the fallout from the raging feud between Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell.

Congress has unanimously approved the use of convicted Taliban as human missles. The terrorists, ironically, will have bombs strapped to them and dropped without parachutes over Somalia, to help wipe out their Al Qaeda comrades!

The video of the week submitted by Patti Dahlstrom should give you a smile! http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1734043

Copyright 2006 by Artie Wayne

 

angelina-jolie-pics1.jpgmadonn_1.jpg

The African baby races in Zambia this week, ended on a sour note. Angelina Jolie, beat the shit out of Madonna when she accused baby Brangelina of steroid use!

Pop Princess, Britney Spears, has agreed to star in the film of the long running “Vagina Monologues”, not only will her vagina finally speak for itself…it will actually sing!

African-American, Samuel L. Jackson, is the biggest movie star in history. He has often been second- or third-billed, or even farther down the credits, but if you just tally the money his films have earned, it adds up to over $3,000,000,000 — more than any other actor in history! Now, he’s set to produce, direct and star in a quirky comedy remake of “Gone With The Wind”. He will play Rhett Butler to Halle Berry’s Scarlett O’Hara. Hillary Duff, will recreate Butterfly McQueen’s, “Prissy”, while Hattie McDaniels’ Academy Award winning part of “Mammy”, will be played by Rosie O’Donnell, who’s said to be slimming down for the part.

Media tributes to the late James Brown continue, but I could’ve done without Robert Goulet singing, “Sex Machine” on the Today show!

The first project that Tom Cruise is expected to greenlight for his new production company is the sequel to “Late Great Planet Earth”, the $100,000,000 plus film that nobody saw! John Travolta, won’t be starring in this Sci-Fi thriller, by the late Scientology founder, L.Ron Hubbard, which is the story of the reincarnation of a great spiritual leader into the body of a little girl. That honor will go to Suri Cruise, precocious daughter of Tom and Katie Cruise, who was created to play the role!

As expected, Mel Gibson and Michael Richards have not only been forgiven by the public for their politically incorrect rants, but have actually been rewarded for their contrition. Mel’s film, “Apocalypto”, debuted at number one at the box office, while “Seinfeld”, the seventh season DVD, co-starring Richards sold 75% more in it’s first week than season 6! Rosie O’Donnel, wasn’t so lucky, however as all of the potential investors for her, “Ching Chow Chong, Chinese fast food restaurant”, suddenly pulled out!

It was revealed today that Osama Bin Laden was captured 3 months ago in Pakistan, and has been residing ever since in the basement of the White House. They’ve been waiting for the most politically advantageous time to announce his capture. President Bush, however, has had second thoughts about bringing Bin Laden to the “State Of The Union Address” on a Leash.

MTV, now being called by some “Empty-V”, from now on will only be playing 3 videos a day. The rest of the programing will consist of infinite variations of the “Real World”

Keefer Sutherland, has signed on for another season as Jack Bauer in Fox TV’s top show. Due to stipulations in his new contract, which call for a shorter work week, the name of the series will be changed from “24” to “19”.

Copyright 2006 by Artie Wayne

3bjpg.jpeg

Lara Banks, of Atlanta Georgia was eliminated early in the Miss America contest, not because she wasn’t pretty or smart enough, but because she was considered to have one up on everyone else in the the competition!

Darrell Hammond, of Saturday Night Live, is no longer allowed to do impersonations on the show. It seems his statute of imitations has run out!

PHOTOS! FISTFIGHTS BREAK OUT IN CONGRESS!  https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2008/09/27/exclusive-photos-fistfights-erupt-at-washington-economics-meeting-biden-steps-down-hillary-steps-in/Will the old feud between Madonna and Angelina Jolie rear it’s ugly head when the African Baby races begin next week in Zambia?

Ousted Miss Nevada USA, Katie Rees, lost her case in the court of public opinion when Heidi Fleiss, Anna Nicole Smith, and Tonya Harding testified on her behalf!

In a recent survey, 95% of women since the 1950’s admitted to having had pre-marital sex…the other 5% lied!

“Governator” Arnold Schwartzenegger, always eager for a “Photo Op”, gladly broke his leg again as soon as the Paparazzi arrived at the scene of his skiing accident.

Next month CBS debuts the new reality show, “Armed and Famous”, in which celebrities join a real police department in Indiana and are issued badges and guns. Eric Estrada, Trish Stratus, Jack Osborne (Ozzie’s son) and LaToya Jackson’s first assignment is to hunt down Danny Bonaduce.

Bono seems to be taking his recent Knighthood seriously, and plans appear in a full suit of armor at U2’s upcoming New Years Eve concert in Dublin!

What did Justin Timberlake give Cameron Diaz for Christmas? Click in the box http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dmVU08zVpA

Copyright by Artie Wayne

For more “If It’s On The Internet…It’s Gotta’ Be True!” https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/11/05/if-you-saw-it-on-the-internetthen-you-know-its-gotta-be-true/

Even More “If You Saw It On the Internet…yada, yada, yada” https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/13/if-its-on-the-internetits-gotta-be-true-is-this-really-britney-spears-pussy/

To see “More” of Britney Spears…click onto https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/01/theres-a-crack-in-a-star-on-hollywood-boulevard-quick-call-your-publicist/

To see the”Most” of Britney Spears…click onto https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/04/exclusive-photos-lindsay-lohan-and-paris-hilton-on-top-of-britney-spears/