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Officials of the Fox Network have threatened to end “The Simpsons”, the longest running series on television, unless 27 year old Bart agrees to a vasectomy and 25 year old Lisa cancels her Playboy shoot!

Paris Hilton , not the brightest star in the Galaxy, bought a franchise to open a Fridays restaurant. She quickly closed it, however, when she discovered that she couldn’t make a profit being open only one day a week!

Alan Jackson’s latest #1 single is about a man who leaves his wife because she’s surpressing his religious beliefs, it’s called “You Can’t Sit On My Faith Anymore.”

Not to be outdone by the late Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin’s 8 year old daughter, Bindi, who has her own series, Suri Cruise, Tom and Katie’s baby daughter has agreed to play the title role in “Wonder Woman- The beginning”.

When Mischa Barton’s character, “Marissa”, was killed off on “The O.C.”, ratings plummeted! When they brought Barton back this week as “Larissa”, supposedly a clone, the critics all laughed! Taking the unexpected reaction to heart, Fox has started to promote the show as the new comedy hit of the season!

The set of “Happy Feet Two” isn’t too happy these days , after 1000 dancing penguins stopped dancing and went on a march against Equinix studios, when they weren’t permitted to form a union!

Sir Edmond Hillary, 87 year explorer who discovered the South Pole, made a return trip, where he had a tearful reunion with a Polar Bear he raised as a cub on his first visit. When asked how his friend was after all these years, Hillary said, “Delicious!”

A little pussy can only go so far…but sometimes it can go a long way! You might have heard about a cat in the mid-west who hitchhiked 60 miles, but did you hear that Britney Spears, who fell from grace when she lost the Superbowl ad due to her “overexposure”, has landed on her feet and has become the new spokesperson for Purina cat chow?

A secret e-mail from Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, has emerged on the Internet with a “Wish List” for her cabinet after she wins the Presidential election in 2008! When asked, if she really thought she could be a better president than either Hillary Clinton or Condoleeza Rice, Pelosi replied,” Those bitches don’t have a chance…not with the same old song they’ve been singin’!” http://i.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_content/13180/HillaryCondi_HoDown.swf

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

Special thanks to Richard Yannotti for the Pfizer scoop

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Angelina Jolie is Lara Croft

I found out that I can’t join the CIA, because I’m past retirement age, partially disabled and don’t have a college degree. Shit!! So I decided to do the next best thing. I unselfishly submitted my observations to Geraldo Rivera, the Fox TV investigative reporter, who’s got the power to get the facts behind the story of the Central Intellegence Agency using TV commercials to find new agents on TV shows. For the last ten days I’ve seen the CIA recruitment ads on “Dancing With The Stars” (this week and last week) , “The Simpsons”, and “Mad TV”…and no one in the media has said anything…at least not loud enough for me to hear!

If American Idol can find a Taylor Hicks through their TV recruiting methods, I guess the CIA is allowed find another Jack Ryan through theirs! In fact, the more I think about it the less I think of it as a government conspiracy and more of a pretty clever way to find and attract geeks, Bloggers, Podcasters, video gamers, and those other rebels who think outside the box. This campaign reaches people who otherwise might not seek a career in the CIA, but whose skills might be exactly what the agency is looking for and desperately needs!

Only one question remains, if the CIA was planning this kind of media blitz since January, what was with the Karl Rove scandal and why was the White House leak of a CIA agents name such a big deal?