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The morning after Al Gore’s, wild “Earth Day” party at his Nashville Mansion, dozens of panties found on the lawn, were explained away as being a new exhibit.

After vigorously and relentlessly promoting the use of, “One square of toilet tissue per sitting”, Sheryl Crow shouldn’t have been surprised when she put her hand on Karl Rove’s shoulder during the Washington Correspondents dinner and he screamed, “Don’t touch me!”

What comes with Prez hopeful, John Edward’s $400 haircut…a “Happy Ending?”

As a result of the recent fallout over the comment made by Don Imus, the officials of the Miss Black America Pageant have just released this decision: Beginning this year there will be only 49 contestants in the Miss Black America Contest because no one shall be required to wear a banner that says ” IDAHO.” (Think about it)

The recently eliminated “American Idol” contestant, Sanjaya, e-mailed Madonna, ” I’m flattered by your offer, but I already have parents.”

Paris Hilton, took a spill, after going down on an up escalator.

“Bono is performing at a U2 concert in Ireland, when he asks the audience for some quiet.Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands…Holding the audience in total silence, then he says into the mike, “Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.” At which point a little voice from the front of the audience cries out, “Then stop clapping your Fookin’ Hands!”

Everyone was asking why Martha Stewart’s boyfriend, Dr. Charles Simony, who paid 20 million dollars to go into space, landed his craft in remote Kazakhstan. Was it to seek political asylum from the abusive Ms. Stewart…who has been known to beat him like an egg?

Naomi Campbell has done it again! First, she had to perform community service for throwing a phone at her assistant. Now, after hitting a tugboat captain with an anchor, when he cut her off on Long Island Sound, an angry judge sentenced her to 3 months of anchor management!

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Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were outraged when the Berlin Zoo wouldn’t sell them Knut the baby polar bear for daughter Suri’s first birthday present. Tom immediately commissioned, “The greatest doll in the world to be made in Suri’s likeness!”. Tom’s been known to go to extremes, but I don’t think he expected this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBXr15K2uSc&mode=related&search

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

Thanks to Patti Dahlstrom, Sharon Link, Shel Talmy, and Phil X. Milstein, for their submissions and to the late Harvey Miller for helping me with this column every week.

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The African baby races in Zambia this week, ended on a sour note. Angelina Jolie, beat the shit out of Madonna when she accused baby Brangelina of steroid use!

Pop Princess, Britney Spears, has agreed to star in the film of the long running “Vagina Monologues”, not only will her vagina finally speak for itself…it will actually sing!

African-American, Samuel L. Jackson, is the biggest movie star in history. He has often been second- or third-billed, or even farther down the credits, but if you just tally the money his films have earned, it adds up to over $3,000,000,000 — more than any other actor in history! Now, he’s set to produce, direct and star in a quirky comedy remake of “Gone With The Wind”. He will play Rhett Butler to Halle Berry’s Scarlett O’Hara. Hillary Duff, will recreate Butterfly McQueen’s, “Prissy”, while Hattie McDaniels’ Academy Award winning part of “Mammy”, will be played by Rosie O’Donnell, who’s said to be slimming down for the part.

Media tributes to the late James Brown continue, but I could’ve done without Robert Goulet singing, “Sex Machine” on the Today show!

The first project that Tom Cruise is expected to greenlight for his new production company is the sequel to “Late Great Planet Earth”, the $100,000,000 plus film that nobody saw! John Travolta, won’t be starring in this Sci-Fi thriller, by the late Scientology founder, L.Ron Hubbard, which is the story of the reincarnation of a great spiritual leader into the body of a little girl. That honor will go to Suri Cruise, precocious daughter of Tom and Katie Cruise, who was created to play the role!

As expected, Mel Gibson and Michael Richards have not only been forgiven by the public for their politically incorrect rants, but have actually been rewarded for their contrition. Mel’s film, “Apocalypto”, debuted at number one at the box office, while “Seinfeld”, the seventh season DVD, co-starring Richards sold 75% more in it’s first week than season 6! Rosie O’Donnel, wasn’t so lucky, however as all of the potential investors for her, “Ching Chow Chong, Chinese fast food restaurant”, suddenly pulled out!

It was revealed today that Osama Bin Laden was captured 3 months ago in Pakistan, and has been residing ever since in the basement of the White House. They’ve been waiting for the most politically advantageous time to announce his capture. President Bush, however, has had second thoughts about bringing Bin Laden to the “State Of The Union Address” on a Leash.

MTV, now being called by some “Empty-V”, from now on will only be playing 3 videos a day. The rest of the programing will consist of infinite variations of the “Real World”

Keefer Sutherland, has signed on for another season as Jack Bauer in Fox TV’s top show. Due to stipulations in his new contract, which call for a shorter work week, the name of the series will be changed from “24” to “19”.

Copyright 2006 by Artie Wayne

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Like everybody else, I was curious about “those” infamous pictures of the most searched name on the web, Britney Spears. So I innocently “Googled” Britney Spears pussy. I was shocked to find this picture on the first page! Is this really Britney’s pussy or somebodys idea of a joke?

Designer Oscar De La Rente, allegedly sold the same red designer evening dress to four women, who wore it to the same Gala at the White House, including First Lady, Laura Bush! De La Rente, was found later that evening, wandering around aimlessly in the White House Rose garden. He was disheveled and mumbled something about four Ninjas, in high heels, who silently beat the shit out of him, while a little black dog in a hockey mask nipped repeatedly at his ankles!

Now you too can smell just like Paris Hilton, by wearing her new fragrance, “Vogue on the Outside…Vague on the Inside.”

Suri, the 7 month old “Scientolgy Wonder Baby”, of Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes not only has learned how to talk, walk and do simple algebra…she’s also learned how to fly!

Kevin Federline and Bobby Brown have taken starring roles in new Fox comedy series, “Assholes Never Take A Day Off”, about two proctolgists who moonlight as lawyers.

19 year old starlet Lindsay Lohan. has been seen around the Big Apple with 80 year old crooner, Tony Bennett. When reminded that having sex with an age difference like theirs could result in death, Tony smiled and said, “If she dies…she dies!”

I guess the human sacrifice worked, Mel Gibson’s film, “Apocalpypto” is number one at the box-office this week!

At least 3 of the people, who are being considered for the new head of the CIA, applied for the job after seeing the agency’s contoversial TV recruitment ads on,”Dancing with the Stars”.

Nicole Ritchie, the 85 pound, co-star of “The Simple Life”, remains at large after she greased herself up with butter and escaped through the bars of the L.A. County Jail, where she was taken after a DUI arrest.

After unexpectedly “outing” singer Clay Aiken and enraging Chinese people everywhere by performing an impromptu, stereotypical impersonation of them, “The View” co-host, and resident loose cannon, Rosie O’Donnell, has been given 3 bodyguards to watch her 24 hours a day. “The View”producers, are afraid she might attempt a hostile takeover of the show while Barbara Walters is away on vacation!

Copyright 2006 by Artie Wayne

To see the uncensored, unedited video of Justin Timberlake’s Dick In A Box https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/20/if-its-on-the-internetits-gotta-be-true-plus-justin-timberlakes-dick-in-a-box/

To see “More” of Britney Spears…click onto https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/01/theres-a-crack-in-a-star-on-hollywood-boulevard-quick-call-your-publicist/

To see the”Most” of Britney Spears…click onto https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/04/exclusive-photos-lindsay-lohan-and-paris-hilton-on-top-of-britney-spears/

Once upon a time a publicist would warn their female clients not to be photographed exiting a car if they weren’t wearing underwear…now they warn them not to be photographed like that unless they shave! We’re living in an era where publicists rule and manipulate our perceptions…usually without us ever knowing it.

Look what happened when Tom Cruise terminated his long time public relations Ace, Pat Kingsley and hired his sister. The wall that had carefully been created around him quickly started to erode, and we saw Tom for the first time in all of his Scientological glory!

Now I have to hand it to Michael Richards for hiring publicist Howard Rubenstein, who has deep ties in the black community, to get him off the hook for using the “N” word against hecklers. Now the ball has been picked up by Rev. Al Sharpton and Rev. Jesse Jackson, who have forgiven Richards and consider his actions just a symptom of a larger social sickness in America. Last week the three unlikely compadres and African- American Congresswoman Maxine Waters called for the word Nigger never to be used again by rappers, filmakers and comedians!

That’s obviously a great idea, pioneered in the 60s by comedian Lenny Bruce in a routine that trivialized the word. A similar concept was embraced and promoted in the 70s by Richard Pryor after a trip to Africa, where he experienced Black pride for the first time. Wait a second…Michael Richards, suddenly is no longer on the hot seat and has become somewhat of a hero! Has he repented enough, or should his skin be chemically darkened then made to live in a Harlem project for a year as penance for his rant? What about the publicist, Howard Rubenstein, who came up with this brilliant scheme? I think he should go to Washington and made chief of staff and paint pretty pictures for us, until we all figure out what’s going on!

IF YOU WANT TO HEAR THE SONG “CRACK IN A STAR ON HOLLYWOOD B’LVD.” CLICK ONTO http://artiewayne.com/crack.html

2011 by Artie Wayne https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/about-artie-wayne/

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