Here are 10 of my favorites…no crap…just the good stuff! Justin, Beyonce, Daughtry, Gwen, Neyo, Fergie, Nickelback, Carrie, Chris, All-American Rejects, Maroon 5 and Shakira

Justin Timberlake “What Goes Around”

Beyonce And Shakira “Beautiful Liar”

Maroon Five “Makes Me Wonder”

Chris Daughtry “It’s Not Over”

Gwen Stefani with Akon “Sweet Escape”

Neyo “Addiction”

Fergie “Glamorous”

Nickelback “If Everyone Cared”

All-American Rejects “It Ends Tonight”

Carrie Underwood “Before He Cheats”

Special thanks to Sharon Link for her monkey friend.


Scientists have discovered A new planet that may be duplicate of Earth, able to sustain and nurture life as we know it! Until an official name is chosen, they’re calling it “Niptune”

After getting the boot on “Dancing With The Stars”, Heather Mills put the boot on and wore it home to a consolation prize of 60 million dollars from her divorce settlement with soon-to-be-ex Paul McCartney!

Former Beverly Hills madame Heidi Fleiss, has dropped out after failing to make the grade at the Socrates School of Philosophy, which only goes to prove “You can lead a whore to culture, but you can’t make her think!”

The real reason Rosie O’Donnell, is leaving “The View”, is that she discovered Barbara Walters has been secretly lacing her stash of Krispy Kreme donuts with Mescaline to keep her behavior erratic and the ratings high!

On a promotional tour in Jaipur, India, Richard Gere’s lips were taken into custody after he kissed Bollywood actress, Shilpa Shetty which is considered obscene if done in public!

Although Spiderman 3 isn’t in the theaters yet, the title is number one in bootleg sales! People who have bought it, however, have been disappointed to find that it’s only a clip of a Mexican midget eating 3 Tarantulas.

Phil Spector sat quietly, as the last juror in his murder trial was sworn in. Then he jumped up unexpectedly and led the court in a rousing version of, “Be My Baby”!


Millions of fans wept, as Sanjaya , from”America Idol ” shaved his head to play the brother of a bald Halle Berry, in the new film “Nappily Ever After”

Alanis Morrisette is back with one of the best video parodies on the internet. It’s a cover version of the Black Eyed Peas ‘Lady Lumps”!

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

Thanks to Stephen Craig Aristei, Dorothy Parker and Phil X. Milstein for their submissions and to the late Harvey Miller, who helps me every week with this column.

A special thanks to Tracy Morgan, from NBC TV’s “30 Rock”. When Tina Fey questioned him about some dubious information he found online, he proudly replied, ” If It’s On The Internet It, It Has To Be True!”


NEIL BOGART 2/3/43 – 5/8/82

Neil Bogart, was one of a few heads of a record company I’ve ever known whose own personal taste in Pop music dictated what he would buy, promote and eventually make a hit out of! I was always amazed at the diverse hits he had that reached the top of the charts. “96 Tears”, “Green Tambourine”, “Brand New Key”, “Midnight Train To Georgia”, “Yummy, Yummy, Yummy”, “Chewy, Chewy”, “Oh Happy Day”, “Love To Love You Baby”, “Last Dance”, “I Love Rock And Roll”, “Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me”, “The Worst That Could Happen” and “I Want To Rock And Roll All Night”, were just a few of them!

I first met Neil Bogart, when he was known as Neil Scott, dancing on Alan Freed’s afternoon show in New York. I always believed that it was his love of dance music combined with knowing a good song, that kept him ahead of his competitors, who were more interested in the bottom line.

The first time I did business with Neil, was in 1967 when he was running Cameo-Parkway records and had Question Mark and the Mysterians’ “96 Tears” at number one. He bought a master Mark Barkan ( “She’s A Fool”, “Pretty Flamingo”) and I made and released it under the name “The Third Rail”. Although it wasn’t a hit, it gave me a chance to hang out in his office, where I could witness the process of how his hits were made.

When Cameo started to implode through bad management and stock manipulation, Irving Green, the owner of Mercury and Smash records, as well as my silent partner in a publishing and administration firm, asked me do him a favor. He wanted me to introduce him to my friend Neil, who was running the label and Bob Reno, who was running the publishing company. He wanted to get them both to come over to Mercury, but Neil and Bob wound up going to Buddah Records instead.

The next time I worked with Neil, was when my partner Kelli Ross and I were running Joey Levine and Artie Resnick’s publishing companies. Their first million seller was “Yummy, Yummy, Yummy”, a demo sung by Joey by the Ohio Express in 1968. This was the idea of Jeff Kaznetz and Jerry Katz, who executive produced the dates to have Joey start singing lead on most of their records. They loved Joey’s commercial, young sounding voice with a Rock and Roll edge and those great tracks he and Artie produced, so they released single after single using different names of actual groups they had under contract. When a record became a hit, the real group went on the road to promote it. Neil Bogart, head of Buddah records, encouraged the concept and put out a string of hit singles “Yummy, Yummy, Yummy”, “Chewy, Chewy” by the Ohio Express, “Shake ” by the Shadows of Knight”, “Gimme, Gimme Good Lovin”, By Crazy Elephant”, Run , Joey Run” by the Kaznetz-Katz singing orchestral circus, and dozens of other singles for Buddah.

n 1969, Horizon was a group that was signed to Schwaid/Merenstein productions. My pal, Lou Merenstein, asked me if I like to produce the group, which I thought was as good as the Association. I didn’t like any of the songs they had. I told him that I’d keep the group in mind, if I had any ideas. A few weeks later, after hearing that Brian Jones, who I had hung out with on my first trip to the U.K. had drowned in his swimming pool, I put together a medley of Rolling Stone songs and told Lou that I had an idea for a concept record called “Tribute” that started with a chorus of monks slowly singing “Paint it Black” in Latin…while a Cello was playing the guitar riff from “Satisfaction” (which Brian Jones created)…which evolved into an uptempo “Ruby Tuesday”…with a mixed chorale and most of the N.Y. Philharmonic Orchestra!!

He loved the idea and gave me Carte Blanche in the studio, if I could finish it up fast and get it on the market!!!. I taught Horizon the parts that afternoon, that night I dictated the parts for the orchestra to an arranger and we were in the studio the next day…doing final mixes that night.

The next morning I took the master to Lou Merenstein’s office and played it for him. He started screaming, “I don’t believe it…I don’t believe it!!! It’s a masterpiece!!” With tears in his eyes he handed me the award he received from Rolling Stone for having produced the album of the year, Van Morrison’s “Astral Weeks” and said, “You deserve this !!!” (this was the exact moment I became a legend in my own mind.)

Lou called Neil Bogart, who was head of Buddah records , as he was rushing off to the airport. Lou played Neil the record over the phone, and when it was over Lou kept saying, “Hello….Hello…..”, to no one at the end of the line. We just shrugged our shoulders and kept playing “Tribute” over and over. 10 minutes later Buddah’s lawyer was in Lou’s office with a contract and a $10,000 check for the master!!! Neil couldn’t finish the conversation without missing his plane, but he had to have the record !!!

When they rush released it the following week, we were all positive that the record would go to number one! I was even bold enough to echo a statement of my hero, Phil Spector, “If this record isn’t a hit..I’ll NEVER produce again!!!” OK, it wasn’t a didn’t even make the charts…but I did have the decency to wait a few months before I produced again.”

(To Be Continued)

2011 by Artie Wayne






The morning after Al Gore’s, wild “Earth Day” party at his Nashville Mansion, dozens of panties found on the lawn, were explained away as being a new exhibit.

After vigorously and relentlessly promoting the use of, “One square of toilet tissue per sitting”, Sheryl Crow shouldn’t have been surprised when she put her hand on Karl Rove’s shoulder during the Washington Correspondents dinner and he screamed, “Don’t touch me!”

What comes with Prez hopeful, John Edward’s $400 haircut…a “Happy Ending?”

As a result of the recent fallout over the comment made by Don Imus, the officials of the Miss Black America Pageant have just released this decision: Beginning this year there will be only 49 contestants in the Miss Black America Contest because no one shall be required to wear a banner that says ” IDAHO.” (Think about it)

The recently eliminated “American Idol” contestant, Sanjaya, e-mailed Madonna, ” I’m flattered by your offer, but I already have parents.”

Paris Hilton, took a spill, after going down on an up escalator.

“Bono is performing at a U2 concert in Ireland, when he asks the audience for some quiet.Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands…Holding the audience in total silence, then he says into the mike, “Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.” At which point a little voice from the front of the audience cries out, “Then stop clapping your Fookin’ Hands!”

Everyone was asking why Martha Stewart’s boyfriend, Dr. Charles Simony, who paid 20 million dollars to go into space, landed his craft in remote Kazakhstan. Was it to seek political asylum from the abusive Ms. Stewart…who has been known to beat him like an egg?

Naomi Campbell has done it again! First, she had to perform community service for throwing a phone at her assistant. Now, after hitting a tugboat captain with an anchor, when he cut her off on Long Island Sound, an angry judge sentenced her to 3 months of anchor management!


Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were outraged when the Berlin Zoo wouldn’t sell them Knut the baby polar bear for daughter Suri’s first birthday present. Tom immediately commissioned, “The greatest doll in the world to be made in Suri’s likeness!”. Tom’s been known to go to extremes, but I don’t think he expected this.

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

Thanks to Patti Dahlstrom, Sharon Link, Shel Talmy, and Phil X. Milstein, for their submissions and to the late Harvey Miller for helping me with this column every week.


17 year old charismatic, but vocally challenged, Sanjaya Malakar threatened the credibility of “American Idol”, by being one of the most popular contestants in the competition who was capable of winning. Was the voting rigged to make sure he would come in last and be booted off the show?

I’m not surprised that Sanjaya, famous for his hair, performed wearing a hat last week. It’s a favorite “Idol trick” to change the way a contestant looks drastically if they don’t want them to win. Look at how they “dorked up” Kellie Pickler, last year on the night she lost! Another favorite trick to discourage voters is to “advise” or “allow” a singer to perform a song that is a less than perfect match for them, not to mention making the vocal too loud to magnify bad notes!

“Shock Jock” Howard Stern asked his millions of listeners to vote for Sanjaya, in order to undermine “American Idol” and everything it stands for! I’m positive “Idols” creator, Simon Fuller, wouldn’t just stand by and let this happen!

I remember a few seasons ago a little girl in Hawaii, Jasmine Trias, inexplicably remained in the competition in spite of having minimal talent. It was later revealed that because of a 6 hour time difference and a fan base working a bank of power dialers, they were able to cast millions and millions of votes for their home girl!

Last week a record 38 million votes were cast on “Idol”…the week before 33 million! A suspicious increase, considering the total viewers
Are down 10% from last year!

I don’t believe Howard Stern would’ve paid a penny to employ “Power Dialers”, just to make a point. I don’t believe Sanjaya’s, “Tweenie” fan base could vote for their heartthrob any more than they did. I do believe, however, that someone who has an interest in keeping the billion dollar “American Idol” franchise intact did take some action.

Someone who knew that each one of the millions of votes cast by “Power Dialers” in Hawaii would go through, because Hawaii starts voting hours after the rest of America has stopped! Someone who knew the results of the voting on the mainland could have appropriated votes to contestants who actually scored lower than Sanjaya…that would place him at the bottom and voted off!

Who would mastermind something like this?

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne


VAN MCCOY 1/6/40 – 7/6/79

Back in 1966, having been traumatized by my run in with the Rolling Stones in the U.K., I returned to the United States. My friend, Ed Silvers, who produced me as an artist for Liberty records, was now a vice-president of April-Blackwood music [Columbia Records publishing arm], and gave me my first job as a songplugger. Of all the staff writers who were signed to the company, Van McCoy, who was starting to make a name for himself, impressed me the most.

This was the first of many times in my career that I worked with him. I wasn’t at the company very long, but I managed to get Van a top 20 Billboard hit when I gave Chad and Jeremy, “Before And After”.

The next time I worked with him was when I went into business with David Kapralik, who was formerly the head of April-Blackwood. Van McCoy was producing for David and recorded a song from one of the writers I discovered and signed to an exclusive contract, Tony Romeo, who later went on to super-success writing for the Partridge family. Needless to say I was thrilled when Van put “I Will Watch Over You”, on the B-side of “Close Your Eyes”, the first hit by Peaches and Herb!

The last time I saw him was in the mid 70’s, just before his rise as the ‘King of Disco’, with “The Hustle”. He was in the Billboard top ten with “Walk Away From Love”, by David Ruffin, and Ed Silvers, head of Warner Brothers music sent me to New York to hang out with him and hear his new material. Van sat down at the piano and played me a half a dozen new songs that were sensational!! Then he invited me to the studio where he was putting down 16 tracks of live drums, a Linn drum machine and percussion for a 25 minute dance track.

It’s been almost 30 years since he passed away, but I still hear his vocal influence today in artists like Usher, Justin Timberlake and Ne-Yo, who may or may not know who their “Musical Grandfather” was. Van’s singing was largely unknown by the general public, but his unique phrasing became popularized by artists who heard his demos and recorded his songs.

My faves in Van’s catalog include, “Baby, I’m Yours” by Barbara Lewis, “Giving Up” by Gladys Knight and the Pips, and “When You’re Young and in Love” by Ruby and the Romantics.

I wish someone would put together a CD of Van’s incredible demos, so people outside of the industry would know what a great talent he really was.

VAN McCoy R.I.P.Rock In Perpetuity!

Your Friend, Artie Wayne

Copyright 2012 by Artie Wayne






Today is one of the saddest days I can remember. Not only is it a national day of mourning, for the 30 students murdered at Virginia Tech, but it’s the eighth anniversary of the massacre at Columbine.

All morning long, whenever these incidents are mentioned, portions of a video the VT killer sent NBC, is played over and over again, as well as the sick one the columbine killers made. Don’t they understand that these videos were created to continue to inflict pain after their suicides, and the media is doing exactly what the killers wanted them to?

Aren’t they aware of the psychological damage being done to everyone of us when we are forced to watch and listen to aberrant behavior immortalized at a rate too staggering to calculate? I don’t even want to think how many repressed psychotics out there have been inspired by these “Masshole Murderers” and are quietly lock and loading, to claim their 15 minutes of infamy?

I remember growing up in the Bronx and watching gang members who made the front page of the Daily News for killing someone be hailed as neighborhood heroes! Now with more information being made available faster, some guy in a small town can go on a killing spree and become a national figure overnight! In a society where being famous is more important than being smart or being rich…that’s quite a temptation!

My heart goes out to the families of friends of the victims of both tragedies…and pray to God that something like this can be prevented from happening again!

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne


When orphaned twin tigers and twin orangutans were raised together, zoo keepers knew they’d have to separate them before they grew up or face the possibility of one pair eating the other. Apparently, they didn’t separate them fast enough!

Native women in Malawi, Africa wisely hid their children when they heard Madonna was coming to their country for a “little visit”.

Last week, “The Invisible Man Group” made it’s debut at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas. Critics all agreed it was the best musical act they’ve never seen!

Hilary Clinton, is leading in the polls again after it was rumored that she’ll choose “American Idol” contestant, Sanjaya Malakar as her running mate. Sanjaya, however, has denied the rumor! He admits, when he was asked if he’d like to run with Hilary, he thought they were talking about going jogging with Hilary Duff.

Rapper Snoop Dogg, has decided to clean up his act, and sold his interest in the lingerie line, “Britches and Hose” He also eliminated, ‘Nigga”, and all other offensive words from his 3 hour stage show…which now runs at a tight 18 minutes!

Middle class African-American basher, Don Imus, anti-Semitic ranter Mel Gibson, Black-baiting comedian Michael Richards and Homophobic actor Isaiah Washington, had to be treated by a team of paramedics after they were pummeled by the Rutgers Women Basketball team during a charity dodge ball game!

“Girls Gone Wild”, CEO Joe Francis, in jail for photographing naked drunken underage girls escaped from the Lorena Bobbit correctional facility for abused and exploited women. A few hours later, he was found by the local police, claiming he ran away because he was a victim of “Cool and unusual punishment!”

Bristol-Myers’ star, “Speedy” Alka-Seltzer, is out of retirement to team up with Paris Hilton, bringing new meaning to the slogan, “Relief Is Just A Swallow Away!”


The Who…embark on their latest “Farewell” Tour!

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

For more of Paris

Thanks to Paul Payton for his contribution of the Who tour video.

Thanks to the late Harvey Miller, who helps me with this column every week!


A few years ago I was in the USC medical center for some tests. I was put in a ward next to a young man who was handcuffed to his bed. He looked over at me and said, “Yo’ Pops, can I have some of your water?”

I said, “First, don’t call me Pops, I may not as young as you, but I can still beat your ass!”. He smiled weakly, whille bandaged over much of his upper body, and asked politely, “Can I please have some of your water, sir?” Just as I was about to give it to him, a large male nurse took the glass out of my hand, glared at him and said, “You know you’re not allowed to have any water…because of your gunshot wounds!”

I asked him what happened? He said he was a gangbanger and he was in a shootout with a rival gang. I asked him if he thought this kind of life style was cool or romantic?

“I did…until I got shot!”

“How do you feel about it now?”

“It hurts…It really hurts! I didn’t expect getting shot would feel like this!”

I told him I was a songwriter and I shared a few lines with him that I had written a few days earlier.

You Can’t Push A Bullet Back Into A Gun

You can say that you’re sorry, but the damage is done

you may as well try to blow out the sun

You Can’t Push A Bullet Back Into A Gun

He asked me to repeat it, then asked me to write it down. As I gave it to him I said, “I hope you remember those words if you’re ever in a situation like that again.” He just nodded. At lights out, I could hear him quietly moaning, his medication wasn’t working well enough. I called for the night nurse and let him use my Walkman. I told him that whenever the pain became too much to bear just turn the music up.

The next morning, he was taken to a private room to recover. He told me that turning up the music on my Walkman really helped him dampen the pain. I told him that he was welcome to borrow it while he was recovering.

I honestly never expected to see him or or my walkman ever again, but a week later he dropped by my bed to see me before he was about to be discharged. Handcuffed to his wheelchair, being pushed by an L.A. police officer, he handed me my Walkman and recited by memory…

You Can’t Push A Bullet Back Into A Gun

You say that you’re sorry but the damage is done

You may as well try to blow out the sun

You Can’t Push a Bullet Back Into A Gun

He shook my hand and smiled. Although I never saw or heard from him again, I knew he would never forget his experience and neither will I. A few weeks later I finished the song.

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne



You Can’t Push A Bullet Back Into A Gun

By Artie Wayne

You Can’t Push A Bullet Back Into A Gun

You say that you’re sorry, but the damage is done

You may as well try to blow out the sun

You Can’t Push A Bullet Back Into A Gun

Little Jenny skippin’ rope in front of school

Starts to cry when a gang drives by, shootin’ at some fool

But they miss their mark, escape through the park

While Jenny’s on the ground, watchin’ the world get dark

You Can’t Push A Bullet Back Into A Gun

You say that you’re sorry but the damage is done

You may as well try to blow out the sun

You Can’t Push A Bullet Back into A Gun

A truck cuts crazy Bobby off out on highway four

Reaches into his pocket, gotta’ even the score

Meanwhile, at the mall, back against the wall

Some guy with a grudge says, ” I’m gonna’ show ‘em all

Make ‘em fall, watch “em crawl.

You Can’t Push A Bullet Back Into A Gun

You say that you’re sorry but the damage is done

You may as well try to blow out the sun

You Can’t Push A Bullet Back into A Gun


Is it the stranger we should fear the most?

Or family and friends, the ones who are close?

It’s brother kills brother makin’ the news

A murdering wife, tired of being abused

It’s a frustrated lover who just can’t go on

It’s a careless grandfather cleaning his gun

it’s a molested daughter who couldn’t escape

It’s a six year old son who finds dad’s ‘38


It’s a tale of envy or a tale of lust

It’s the monster hiding in everyone of us

Now everyday, we all have to pray

That some little country won’t blow the whole world away

You Can’t Push A Bullet Back Into A Gun

You say that you’re sorry but the damage is done

You may as well try to blow out the sun

You Can’t Push A Bullet Back Into A Gun


Copyright-2003 Wayne Art music