If It’s On The Internet, It’s Gotta’ Be True! Startling Discovery Made On Al Gore’s Lawn!
April 25, 2007
The morning after Al Gore’s, wild “Earth Day” party at his Nashville Mansion, dozens of panties found on the lawn, were explained away as being a new exhibit.
After vigorously and relentlessly promoting the use of, “One square of toilet tissue per sitting”, Sheryl Crow shouldn’t have been surprised when she put her hand on Karl Rove’s shoulder during the Washington Correspondents dinner and he screamed, “Don’t touch me!”
What comes with Prez hopeful, John Edward’s $400 haircut…a “Happy Ending?”
As a result of the recent fallout over the comment made by Don Imus, the officials of the Miss Black America Pageant have just released this decision: Beginning this year there will be only 49 contestants in the Miss Black America Contest because no one shall be required to wear a banner that says ” IDAHO.” (Think about it)
The recently eliminated “American Idol” contestant, Sanjaya, e-mailed Madonna, ” I’m flattered by your offer, but I already have parents.”
Paris Hilton, took a spill, after going down on an up escalator.
“Bono is performing at a U2 concert in Ireland, when he asks the audience for some quiet.Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands…Holding the audience in total silence, then he says into the mike, “Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.” At which point a little voice from the front of the audience cries out, “Then stop clapping your Fookin’ Hands!”
Everyone was asking why Martha Stewart’s boyfriend, Dr. Charles Simony, who paid 20 million dollars to go into space, landed his craft in remote Kazakhstan. Was it to seek political asylum from the abusive Ms. Stewart…who has been known to beat him like an egg?
Naomi Campbell has done it again! First, she had to perform community service for throwing a phone at her assistant. Now, after hitting a tugboat captain with an anchor, when he cut her off on Long Island Sound, an angry judge sentenced her to 3 months of anchor management!
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were outraged when the Berlin Zoo wouldn’t sell them Knut the baby polar bear for daughter Suri’s first birthday present. Tom immediately commissioned, “The greatest doll in the world to be made in Suri’s likeness!”. Tom’s been known to go to extremes, but I don’t think he expected this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBXr15K2uSc&mode=related&search
Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne
Thanks to Patti Dahlstrom, Sharon Link, Shel Talmy, and Phil X. Milstein, for their submissions and to the late Harvey Miller for helping me with this column every week.
17 year old charismatic, but vocally challenged, Sanjaya Malakar threatened the credibility of “American Idol”, by being one of the most popular contestants in the competition who was capable of winning. Was the voting rigged to make sure he would come in last and be booted off the show?
I’m not surprised that Sanjaya, famous for his hair, performed wearing a hat last week. It’s a favorite “Idol trick” to change the way a contestant looks drastically if they don’t want them to win. Look at how they “dorked up” Kellie Pickler, last year on the night she lost! Another favorite trick to discourage voters is to “advise” or “allow” a singer to perform a song that is a less than perfect match for them, not to mention making the vocal too loud to magnify bad notes!
“Shock Jock” Howard Stern asked his millions of listeners to vote for Sanjaya, in order to undermine “American Idol” and everything it stands for! I’m positive “Idols” creator, Simon Fuller, wouldn’t just stand by and let this happen!
I remember a few seasons ago a little girl in Hawaii, Jasmine Trias, inexplicably remained in the competition in spite of having minimal talent. It was later revealed that because of a 6 hour time difference and a fan base working a bank of power dialers, they were able to cast millions and millions of votes for their home girl!
Last week a record 38 million votes were cast on “Idol”…the week before 33 million! A suspicious increase, considering the total viewers
Are down 10% from last year!
I don’t believe Howard Stern would’ve paid a penny to employ “Power Dialers”, just to make a point. I don’t believe Sanjaya’s, “Tweenie” fan base could vote for their heartthrob any more than they did. I do believe, however, that someone who has an interest in keeping the billion dollar “American Idol” franchise intact did take some action.
Someone who knew that each one of the millions of votes cast by “Power Dialers” in Hawaii would go through, because Hawaii starts voting hours after the rest of America has stopped! Someone who knew the results of the voting on the mainland could have appropriated votes to contestants who actually scored lower than Sanjaya…that would place him at the bottom and voted off!
Who would mastermind something like this?
Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne
If It’s On The Internet, It’s Gotta’ Be True! “Girls Gone Wild” CEO Breaks Out Of Jail!
April 18, 2007
When orphaned twin tigers and twin orangutans were raised together, zoo keepers knew they’d have to separate them before they grew up or face the possibility of one pair eating the other. Apparently, they didn’t separate them fast enough!
Native women in Malawi, Africa wisely hid their children when they heard Madonna was coming to their country for a “little visit”.
Last week, “The Invisible Man Group” made it’s debut at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas. Critics all agreed it was the best musical act they’ve never seen!
Hilary Clinton, is leading in the polls again after it was rumored that she’ll choose “American Idol” contestant, Sanjaya Malakar as her running mate. Sanjaya, however, has denied the rumor! He admits, when he was asked if he’d like to run with Hilary, he thought they were talking about going jogging with Hilary Duff.
Rapper Snoop Dogg, has decided to clean up his act, and sold his interest in the lingerie line, “Britches and Hose” He also eliminated, ‘Nigga”, and all other offensive words from his 3 hour stage show…which now runs at a tight 18 minutes!
Middle class African-American basher, Don Imus, anti-Semitic ranter Mel Gibson, Black-baiting comedian Michael Richards and Homophobic actor Isaiah Washington, had to be treated by a team of paramedics after they were pummeled by the Rutgers Women Basketball team during a charity dodge ball game!
“Girls Gone Wild”, CEO Joe Francis, in jail for photographing naked drunken underage girls escaped from the Lorena Bobbit correctional facility for abused and exploited women. A few hours later, he was found by the local police, claiming he ran away because he was a victim of “Cool and unusual punishment!”
Bristol-Myers’ star, “Speedy” Alka-Seltzer, is out of retirement to team up with Paris Hilton, bringing new meaning to the slogan, “Relief Is Just A Swallow Away!”
The Who…embark on their latest “Farewell” Tour!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqfFrCUrEbY
Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne
For more of Paris https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2006/12/18/it-looks-like-paris-blows-it-again/
Thanks to Paul Payton for his contribution of the Who tour video.
Thanks to the late Harvey Miller, who helps me with this column every week!
If It’s On The Internet, It’s Gotta’ Be True! Paula and Randy Secretly Helping Sanjaya!
April 11, 2007
Congratulations to Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson for turning “American Idol”, contestant Sanjaya’s life around with their fantastic instructional DVDs!
Not everyone, however, is happy with the results!
If you’re wondering why Simon Cowell, has been so nice recently? “American Idol” producers, tricked him into thinking he was having his teeth cleaned, when actually he was being spayed and neutered!
Now that Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, has brought peace to the Middle East, she’s off to Zimbabwe, vowing to end hunger in Africa by Friday!
The Pope is outraged that Paris Hilton is being considered for the starring role in the “Mother Teresa Story”…the Pope exclaimed, “It’s Lindsay Lohan or nobody!”
Speaking of Paris, now that her new “Home Movie” has been officially released, Fox-TV movie critic Bart Simpson said, “It’s one of the few films I’ve ever seen that sucks and blows at the same time!”
Heather Mills, soon-to-be- ex-wife of Beatle, Paul McCartney, has become one of the top contenders on “Dancing With The Stars”, in spite of only having one leg! Now when called “Yoko Uno” by one of her detractors, she takes off her leg and beats their ass with it!
This morning on, “The View”, Tokyo Rosie O’Donnell proposed a way to deal with the immigration problem and world hunger at the same time! Round ’em up and eat ’em!
Racially insensitive “Shock Jock”Don Imus, has been ordered to join the newly formed “Fair Play”dodge ball team, which includes Anti-Semitic remark making, Mel Gibson and N-Word using comic, Michael Richards. Their first game will be played Saturday on the court of public opinion against the recently maligned Rutgers Women’s basketball team!
“Girls Gone Wild”, head honcho Joe Francis, convicted of photographing drunken, underage girls naked for his popular series, has finally turned himself in after eluding the police for the past week. He will serve time as the only male prisoner in the newly opened “Lorena Bobbit correctional facility for exploited women” Good luck, Joe!
Special thanks to Chet Allen, Richard Kimball and Stephen Craig Aristei for all sending me this video of Mark Volman and Howie Kaylen, of the Turtles explaining how they kept getting screwed in the music business…over and over again!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JHN5HaUg28
Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne
To hear Sanjaya sing, “You Really Got Me”! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKF6TGQjasE
Now hear him sing “Bathwater” with his now famous “Pony-Hawk”! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Z9tUs8kTgE
See Sanjaya crowned as Miss America! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GCRKExf_Ksk
If It’s On The Internet, It’s Gotta’ Be True! Exclusive!- Hilary Admits She’s Possessed!
March 7, 2007
Presidential hopeful Hilary Clinton admits she’s been possessed with the idea of becoming the President of the United States ever since she was a child. Concerned political rivals, Barack Obama, John McCain, and Rudy Giuliani have intervened and chipped in for an excorcism!
On the first stop of their European tour, when The Dixie Chicks performed at the Vatican, Natalie Maines was outraged when the Pope refused to kiss her ring!
Angelina Jolie and Madonna are cat fighting again! This time it’s over who will portray Mother Teresa in the forthcoming biopic. Jolie wants to take the issue to the UN, while Madonna prefers to take it to Madison Square Garden!
The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, changes name to politically correct, National Association for the Advancement of Colored Persons.
Michael Jackson has been getting $3,500 in Tokyo, for spending 30 seconds with each fan willing to pay the price. Unfortunately, one little boy bounced a check on the “King Of Pop”, and was forced to go back to the US to work off his debt at Jackson’s “Neverland Casino” in Las Vegas!
Jerry Springer, former “Dancing with the Stars” contestant and controversial talk show replaced Regis Philbin on “America’s Got Talent”, when Philbin was allegedly hit in the knees with a wrench by Tonya Harding, and put out of commission!
The verdict is in at the “Scooter” Libby trial. The former chief of staff to Vice President Dick Cheney was found guilty of lying and obstructing the investigation into the 2003 leak of CIA operative Valarie Plame’s identity to reporters. Libby is expected to be sentenced to 30 years in prison, which means he’ll probably do a hundred hours of community service and a stint in rehab…if he isn’t pardoned by President Bush!
NEWS FLASH! A fistfight broke out on the White House lawn between the President and Vice-President Cheney just after the Libby verdict was read! As the two men were being separated, Ann Coulter walks by and phones a story into People magazine about two more politicians coming out of the closet!
After losing to Binky, on the UK ‘s wildly popular TV show, “Are You Smarter Than A Monkey?”, Prince Charles is still walking around with his hand stuck in a coconut shell! So far, no one has the nerve to tell him that if he lets go of the peanut inside, he’d be able to pull his hand out easily.
When former “American Idol” contestant, Kelly Pickler made an unexpected turn and nearly poked out Ryan Seacrest’s eye with her new breast implants…he took the opportunity to ask about her recent aquisitions. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1nMojmkszI
Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne
For more on Angelina Jolie and Madonna’s catfight in Africa https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2007/01/02/if-its-on-the-internet-its-gotta-be-true-angelina-and-madonna-cat-fight-in-africa/
For more on Binky https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2007/01/10/if-its-on-the-internet-its-gotta-be-true-2007-elvis-sighting-in-brazil/
For more on Prince Charles https://artiewayne.wordpress.com/2007/01/30/if-its-on-the-internet-its-gotta-be-true-exclusive-k-feds-superbowl-ad/
If It’s On The Internet, It’s Gotta’ Be True! Chevy “Half Astro” Tanks At Auto Show!
January 17, 2007
Although it may be a head turner, the new Chevy “Half Astro”, didn’t get one advance order at the LA Auto Show last week!
In a study by the Institute of Television Standards and Practices, it was revealed that there was an average of 13 acts of violence every hour on Primetime network shows. This survey, of course, didn’t include the Fox network, which usually averages 13 acts of violence before the first commercial on every show…including the cartoons!
Although the 2 day, 4 hour premier of “24” was a ratings smash with 33 million viewers, the show has been abruptly cancelled! It seems that President Bush has issued an executive order to put Jack Bauer in charge of operations in Iraq…effective immediately!
After all the death threats made against acid-tounged “American Idol” judge Simon Cowell, the producers have provided a bodyguard to protect him from Paula Abdul!
The Paparazzi, have all chipped in to hire a Washington lobbyist to promote a law that will prohibit the use of amateurs using cell phone cameras to record Britney Spears, Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan exiting limosines without underwear!
A restraining order has been filed against “The Views”, Rosie O’Donnell by her boss Barbara Walters. Walters claims, that during commercial breaks, O’Donnell threatened to beat her ass…unless she defended her against Donald Trump’s tirades with a smile! It’s reported by an unamed member of her staff that Barbara threw her hands up, said, “Fuck this!” and called her lawyer.
Soccer Superstar, David Beckham, has finally signed a $250,000,000 contract to bring him to the US, after promoters agreed to let his wife Victoria stage a “Spice Girls Reunion” mini-concert before every home game.
After interviewing Golden Globe Winner Jeniffer Hudson, on the Red Carpet Joan Rivers lips exploded from one too many collagen injections and sent half the cast of “Grey’s Anatomy” to the emergency room!
After an intervention by Mo and Barney, Homer Simpson escaped from rehab and has vowed to remain off the wagon for the rest of his life.
The American Film Institute has announced their list of the 100 most inspiring movies. For the second year in a row, “Deep Throat” comes in at number one!
Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne
Sebastian Prooth And The Bloggin’ Truth!
October 14, 2006
About five months ago I met Sebastian Prooth, an American living in the U.K. Although we’ve never met face to face, as we got to know each other online, I gained more respect for his knowledge, ideas, talent and relentless ambition. When I listened to a couple of his podcasts and read a few of his blog entries I knew he was on the cutting edge of the new media and communications frontier!
In the course of Sebastian building a blog for me I discovered he was also a video producer and director. When he heard a demo of a song I was promoting, Alan O’Day’s brilliant updated version of his number one hit by the Righteous Brothers, “Rock and Roll Heaven”( O’Day/ Stevenson )
Sebastian urged me to let him produce a music video of it. Although doing a video of a “demo” is unheard of, after seeing one of his student films on the environment, Alan O’Day and I gave him our blessing!
Since the video was released on the internet about a month ago it’s been getting about 2000 views a week. The video, however, is not without controversy. In addition to images of Rock and Roll Icons who have passed away, he includes footage of American Idol winner Kelly Clarkson who have left some of her fans wondering if she is still with us!
SP- (laughs) I’m happy to say that , the reports of miss Clarkson’s demise has been greatly exaggerated!
AW- I assumed she was in your video because she represented the birth of a new Rock and Roll spirit!
SP- No…she was in there because at that point in the song the lyric is: there’s a spotlight waiting no matter who you are, and I knew when I was designing and pitching the video that I was going to use symbols of American Idol at that point.
AW- Are you surprised at the response the video is getting!
SP- I’m very pleased it affects so many people on such an emotional level. We all remember at least one of the people featured in Alan O’Day’s song. This video serves to remind us of not only the artists remembered in pictures, but also the ones that we remember personally. I hope it will be enjoyed and appreciated for years to come.
AW- I know you’re still going to school…How do you manage to keep focused on so many things at the same time?
SP- I only try to work on things that I am passionate about. Generally when I blog I write something that I know is going to impact my readers. Sometimes I write articles to inform them about a new hot website or review. For example I wrote an article which pitted Open Source Word Processing Application, Open Office Writer, against the heavily used Microsoft Word.
AW- I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about…but I do know that you’re working on something new as we speak!
SP- Yes I have been working with the evaluation version of Windows Vista (for those who don’t know, the next version of Microsoft Windows.) I will be writing about some of its features in a blog entry soon.
AW- As a new blogger myself you’ve given me the courage to bring to light things that have caught my attention like the C.I.A. TV recruitment ad I saw on “Dancing With The Stars”!
SP- And see…no one’s tried to shoot you…yet (laughs)
AW- Is there a profile of what a blogger does or should do?
SP- I think the general consensus is a blogger is what a blogger does. I can qualify that a little by saying that whatever somebody is interested in, if they blog about it in an interesting and informative way they will build an audience for their site! Personally, I write about tech and life, and interview those who help make it happen. I was having a conversation with a really good friend of mine VIA Skype.. Joe Klein of PodcastVoiceGuys and I were having a normal skype-phone call when he received another call. When he came back he told me that it was a telemarketer, speaking spanish! I was shocked, having not heard about telemarking on Skype at that point, realized that it was something of headline blogger’s news. We wrote something for my blog up together and it became big news overnight. Digg among other sites were carrying the story on their front page!
AW- To continue in English please press one.
SP- (laughs)
AW- Okay enough frivolity… Is there a book on being a blogger and certain things that are expected of bloggers?
SP–It’s funny that you should mention that Artie because there is a blog I read a short while ago. A guy called Seth Godin, he is in the top 100 on Technorai and a very popular and well-read blogger and technology writer. He talked about the top one hundred ways he could think of to increase traffic and or readership of your blog.
AW-I know that you are doing quite a bit of interviewing for your site.
SP- Yes. Bloggers, Podcasters, Editors, whoever has something to say really. My first blog interview was with a gentleman by the name of Dennis Madalone. He is a singer and writer and what compelled me to contact him was that he was the stunt co-coordinator on Star Trek. He was also the patriot behind the great song America We Stand as One.
AW- I remember when you turned me onto that video, it was one of the most inspiring things I had ever seen. Then you took that and added stuff to it – a visual remix that I remember running on my website.
I know you were interviewed recently by Liz Strauss, can you tell me a little about that?
SP–I’d noticed that Liz Strauss was doing some interviews with people who had been named SOB (Successful Outstanding Bloggers) – I did an interview with her and she was kind enough to give me a two-parter. She really made me feel like an influential part of the blogosphere by naming me a SOB but then going as far as to actually interview me that was just tremendous.
AW- You’ve also been in touch with Robert Scoble, one of the internets foremost bloggers / vloggers in the world.
SP – Yeah, Robert and I have been talking about doing some things together.
AW- Wow, well that sounds great. Before you go, I want to wish you a Happy Birthday thank you Sebastian, for spending your last few hours as a teenager with Artie Wayne on the web!
SP-Thank you, Mr. Web , It’s been a pleasure.
To visit Sebastian’s Blog http://sebrt.com
To watch Rock and Roll Heaven http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2cijNKu9qc
For Artie Wayne http://artiewayne.com
For the PodcastVoiceGuys http://podcastvoiceguys.com
For Alan O’Day’s Website http://alanoday.com
For Seth Godins’s Blog http://sethgodin.typepad.com
For Robert Scoble’s Blog http://scobleizer.wordpress.com/
For the Interview with Liz Strauss and Sucessful Bloggers: http://www.successful-blog.com/1/interview-101-sebastian-prooth-blogger-podcaster-film-maker/
Kym Johnson and Jerry Springer
Up until last week, Jerry Springer the controversial talk show host, had a leg upon the competition…then he finished in the bottom two. Who knows what’ll happen tonight?
Although I enjoy watching them dance on”Dancing With The Stars”, I tune in just as much to hear the songs they use for the dance numbers that range from the ’50s up to the present! If you haven’t noticed there aren’t many songs on the radio and TV that you can actually sing along with these days and Harold Wheeler (The Musical director) of Dancing with the Stars is a master of matching the right song…to the right dance! Who knew that Britney Spears’, “Toxic” was a tango? Hip Hop is OK, but how many times can we, “Throw our hands in the air…and wave ’em like we just don’t care?”
It’s been years since I went out dancing at a club or singing in a Karaoke bar but now there have been quite a few places on TV like “Duets”, “Americas Got Talent”, “Supernova”, that keep me singing and dancing in my dreams. I can’t wait to see Simon Cowells new show “THE X-FACTOR”…I hope it’s enough to hold me over ’til “American Idol” returns in January!
Giving “Props” to Spectropop!
August 5, 2006
One of the main reasons I joined Spectropop http://spectropop.com was the appreciation, by its members, of the well-crafted Pop song, the kind that dominated
the Top 40 charts in the 1960s. I’m formerly a “Colored”, “Black”,
“Negro”, and currently a “Bi-Racial”, African-American songwriter/
producer/publisher, who started in that era, who is still interested
and active in all kinds of music today. Every weekend I religiously
listen to the Top Ten on MTV, VH1, Country Music Television, and the
Black Entertainment Network, to stay aware of the market. I’ll admit,
the last few years have been very discouraging.
The only genre in which the Pop song, as we knew it, has consistently
evolved is country music. The song is still well-crafted, cleverly
written, and heartfelt. It is also universally considered the most
important ingredient in the recording process. The field is currently
dominated by some of the best singer/songwiters, coming from all
around the world, including Gretchen Wilson (USA), Keith Urban
(Australia), and Shania Twain (Canada).
As far as music that might have evolved from ’60s bubblegum hits
Levine/ Resnick produced, Fountains of Wayne and Bowling for Soup
are really satisfying. Over the last year or so, I’ve watched bands
like Coldplay emerge who might be considered the grandsons of The
Left Banke. As I’m writing this I can hear Coldplay singing “Walk
Away Renee” in my head.
As far as the current state of rap goes, Its glorification of
inappropriate behavior and pursuit of things I care little about
overshadows everything else. How many times can you, “Raise your
hands in the air and wave ’em like you just don’t care”? Then, about
a year ago, I heard what Kanye West was doing and I knew from that
point on the genre had been elevated!
As far as R&B goes, the listening and viewing public is starting to
demand more from today’s artists. Check out by R. Kelly’s brilliant
“Trapped In A Closet”, which rivals anything Marvin Gaye ever
released. I can’t wait to hear what Usher, the Michael Jackson of his
generation, is going to come up with next.
Personally, I’d like to hear some more ’60s and ’70s songs covered by
today’s artists. Can you imagine “Happy Together” being done by Tim
McGraw and Faith Hill? or “Rock And Roll Heaven” being revived by The
Foo Fighters or American Idol Taylor Hicks? Alan Gordon, Alan O’Day …
are you listening?
One thing that I’m certain of for the rest of my life I will love songs — past, present and future. That’s why I want to thank Mick Patrick for helping to create and maintain one of the best music sites on the web… Spectropop!
Regards,
Artie Wayne http://artiewayne.com
special thanks to Whoppy (pictured) for helping to make this announcement.
Artie Wayne On The Web 